


For Fear of Trying

by replaydebut



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Romance, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Smut, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-23 20:23:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 64,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/replaydebut/pseuds/replaydebut
Summary: In the summer of their first year of high school, Jonghyun learned how to play the bass guitar, and Jinki learned that he liked looking at him when he did.





	1. Jonghyun

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #37: Jinki hadn't seen his best friend Jonghyun in years since he moved overseas. He's surprised to see that his feelings haven't changed one bit when Jonghyun comes back home one summer.
> 
> First of all, thank you so much to my fellow mods Sirius and Aqua for supporting me through the journey of this fic, providing me with countless feedback and the encouragement I needed to see it through to the end. Growing closer as friends while organizing this fest has been so incredibly rewarding and enjoyable. <3
> 
> I also want to say thank you to the prompter, without whom this fic wouldn't exist. I'm so happy I got to bring it to life, and I really hope you like it. <3
> 
> This fic has truly been a labor of love, and my most fulfilling writing experience. This prompt stole my heart, and I set out to write the kind of story that I love to read, and I hope you all will enjoy it and love it as much as I do. It's my pride.
> 
> This fic has a playlist, and you can listen to it [here.](https://8tracks.com/replaydebut/for-fear-of-trying)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small note: i made Jinki born the same year as Jonghyun in this fic, just so I could put them in the same class at school <3

  
Jonghyun’s arm glowed blue in the darkness of the bedroom. Jinki was laying behind him, their bodies barely touching as his heart thumped and fluttered like a bird’s wings. The line of Jonghyun’s spine was outlined in deep shadow, ridges of each of his bones highlighting the places where Jinki most wanted to press his fingers, his lips, his nose. 

The thin comforter pooled at Jonghyun’s hips, and Jinki listened to the pattern of his breathing. It was late, but Jinki had vowed to keep his eyes open for as long as possible, if only to memorize every tiny detail and imagine every tiny scene where his hands would reach out to touch and Jonghyun would melt into him like cool ice touching hot fire.

A soft sound. A hushed, vulnerable noise that only appeared in the languid cycle of deep sleep. Jonghyun shuffled, unconsciously rearranging himself so that he was facing Jinki instead, so that his face was shrouded in deep blue rather than the wide expanse of his back. Jinki reached out. He touched the tip of Jonghyun’s nose, bathed in light from the full moon. 

Jinki’s heart raced. His hands trembled. The noises of nighttime droned on outside the window, and Jinki and Jonghyun laid together, their bodies barely touching.

  


  


_For Fear of Trying_

  


  
“Hey, wanna see a cool trick?”

It was the first day of middle school, and Jonghyun was tugging at the collar of his stiff dress shirt, still trying to get used to the idea of having to wear it everyday. Class started in ten minutes and most of the students were nervously looking down at their desks, eyes flicking around the room in some mixture of fear and curiosity. Jonghyun’s seatmate had just spoken.

Jonghyun turned to face him. The boy was slightly pudgy, with baby fat in his cheeks still leftover from elementary school. His hair was freshly buzzed short, but somehow Jonghyun thought it suited him, unlike the way Jonghyun thought his own mandatory cut made his dark eyebrows look too severe and his big nose even more noticable. The boy sitting on the other side of Jonghyun’s seatmate was looking at the two of them with an amused expression.

Jonghyun sighed. Being singled out by a classmate on the first day probably wasn’t a good sign. “Sure what is it?” he indulged the boy anyway.

His seatmate grinned and pulled a pencil from his yellow case. He held it carefully between his forefinger and his thumb, and moved his hand up in down while the pencil bounced in front of Jonghyun’s eyes, appearing to be made of rubber rather than wood.

“See, it’s pretty great, right?” the kid asked. His small eyes were bright with innocence and a naive lack of self-awareness. Jonghyun gave him a critical look.

“I know that trick. Of course it isn’t really rubber, it’s just how you move it,” he explained, crossing his arms in front of his chest. A couple of their classmates had turned to look at them, and Jonghyun was trying to ignore it. “Anyone could do that.”

He was waiting for the inevitable contest between the two of them that his statement had invited, but it never came. His seatmate shrugged. “Just because anybody can do it doesn’t mean it doesn’t look cool.” 

With the hope of a magic trick showdown lost, the rest of their classmates began diverting their attention back to their desks.

Jonghyun sat in stunned silence for a moment as his seatmate started using the pencil to doodle lines on a piece of notebook paper. The boy’s dress shirt looked slightly wrinkled, and seemed to fit too snugly around his forearms. He reached back to scratch an itch at the base of his neck. Jonghyun sighed.

“I’m Kim Jonghyun,” he offered, leaning in closer to the boy to see if the lines he was drawing were going to develop into anything. The kid jumped in surprise when he heard Jonghyun’s voice, as if he had completely forgotten where he was in the short couple of minutes between their encounters. Jonghyun resisted the urge to snort.

“Lee Jinki,” he said with a sheepish grin. He tapped his pencil on the paper a couple times, then met Jonghyun’s eyes. “I know a lot more magic tricks, by the way. Better ones,” he said, and his eyes became serious. “I just can’t show them in school. I need special materials to do them.”

Jonghyun nodded, and he couldn’t help the smile that started stretching on his face. “That makes sense.”

“If you want to come over after school I can show you,” Jinki said, and then bit his bottom lip as he tried to hold back a big grin. “My mom will be so excited that I met someone on the first day.”

Jinki’s smile made his whole face light up incredibly bright. All the rows of his teeth showed, and his eyes crinkled at the edges, as if his smile needed even more space to bloom. Jonghyun couldn’t help but grin back. 

“I’d love to,” he said with sincerity.  


  
\---

  
The ritual of going to Jinki’s house after the school day ended quickly became customary. The first few days involved a direct bus ride there, but about a week into the school term, the tteokbokki stand opposite the schoolyard became an important pitstop along the way. There was a metal bench nearby where the two of them sat and poked toothpicks into their paper cups.

“How do you always make such a mess,” Jonghyun groaned as he looked over and saw Jinki’s mouth covered in orange-red sauce, as if he had licked his cup clean and foregone the toothpicks completely. 

“It’s not my fault they taste so good,” Jinki said, and wiped one of his sticky hands on the tail of his clean white shirt. “I need to ask my mom for 5,000 won next time instead of just 2,000.”

Jonghyun shook his head, but he was smiling as he did. Jinki’s mom was likely going to grumble at him for his dirty shirt before she gave him any money. Jonghyun handed over his cup. “Here you can have the rest of mine.”

“Really?” Jinki asked, and his hopeful smile burst across his messy face. He quickly grabbed the cup and stabbed his toothpick in. “Thank you,” he said once his mouth was full of tteokbokki pieces.

Jonghyun laughed, and a beat of silence followed as Jinki chewed and Jonghyun watched a group of elementary school kids make a sloppy line in front of the stand. 

“By the way,” he started. “Why are you so formal with me? Aren’t we friends by now,” Jonghyun said, looking down at his hands and self-consciously picking at one of his nails. Jinki hadn’t dropped his polite speech in the whole two weeks they’d been hanging out everyday outside of school.

Jinki’s eyes went wide, and he looked a little uncomfortable as he shifted around on the bench. He swallowed the rice cakes quickly and cleared his throat. “I mean, I thought you were older than me…” he said, looking at his feet with a slight frown. “I was just waiting for you to say it was okay.” 

Jonghyun felt that incredulous feeling he had been experiencing when Jinki said things, and he smiled once again at it. Every day seemed to reveal something new and peculiar about him, and Jonghyun was growing fascinated.

“I was born in 1990,” Jonghyun said with a shrug. Most of the students in their class were as far as he knew. Jinki’s eyes suddenly became saucers. 

“Wait, me too!” Jinki said. “Wow, and I thought you seemed like such a cool hyung. I don’t have any real siblings so…” He trailed off a little as he came to the realization, getting lost in his snack again. Jonghyun scowled in annoyance and embarrassment, and he scuffed his sneaker against the pavement. 

There was a palpable youthfulness to Jinki, and it radiated from every fiber of his being and in everything he did. He felt himself blush deeper as he remembered the times he had tried to impart his wisdom onto him or tugged at his shirt sleeve to pull him along when he lumbered on the sidewalk, acting all the part of an older brother without even meaning to. 

He chanced a look over at him, but Jinki was thoroughly devoted to the paper cup in his hand. He had seemed to marvel at their lack of age difference for only a moment before it slipped off of him just as easy as water. Jonghyun felt a smile twitch at his lips again.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Jonghyun said as he stood up. “I think the bus will be here soon.”

At that, Jinki dutifully stood and tossed his cup into the trashcan before following Jonghyun to the bench in front of the bus stop where they sat and waited everyday, swinging their legs and talking amicably about nothing at all.  


  
\---

  


Jinki’s house was not unlike Jonghyun’s own, the same compact two-story frame tucked in between others similar to it that lined the streets of their small neighborhood. The only real difference was that Jinki’s dad was in the picture, and he didn’t have an older sister to boss him around. Jonghyun thought that it must be nice.

Jinki had been working on a handful of special magic tricks for a few weeks, always ready to show Jonghyun his improvement on each one. He owned a book full of ideas for them, complete with colorful illustrations and tips on what materials to buy. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Jinki started as he laid out his trusty deck of cards on the floor

Jonghyun sat in Jinki’s desk chair, twirling it around in circles and getting dizzy from it. “That’s dangerous,” he commented with a smirk. Jinki narrowed his eyes, but gave a small chuckle. 

“Anyway, I think I should become a magician full-time. What do you think?”

Jonghyun stopped spinning the chair, head lolling to the side before he lifted it to face Jinki head on. Fuzzy stars blinked at the edges of his vision. “I think you should let me be your assistant.”

Jinki laughed, and it was the laughter that always crinkled his eyes up at the corners. Jonghyun had noticed that lately. He shuffled his card deck again, giving Jonghyun’s comment some thought. “Well, okay. But, we need to practice first before we make it official.”

Jonghyun shrugged in agreement. He’d been watching Jinki do his tricks for weeks, and they didn’t look that hard. Usually, Jonghyun could tell the secret to the magic if he paid enough attention. “Sure, let me try the pencil trick.”

Jinki snorted, but dug around in his pencil bag dutifully. “I thought you didn’t like that one.”

“Well, we should start with the basics, right?” Jonghyun tossed his head, sitting up straighter in the chair and putting his palm out. Jinki took out two pencils, placing one in between his fingers to give a demonstration.

“Okay, so it’s like this—”

“Just let me try.”

Jinki gave Jonghyun a wary look, but he handed the other pencil over. Their fingers brushed gingerly, and Jonghyun noticed that Jinki’s nails were more square-shaped than his own. He gripped the eraser end of the pencil in-between his thumb and pointer finger, and shook. 

It fell to the floor instantly. Jinki smiled. 

“See, there’s a certain technique.”

Jonghyun scowled, reaching down to snatch the pencil back up and try again. He carefully situated his fingers, took a deep breath, and wiggled again. The pencil waved mechanically, still looking just as wooden as it actually was. Jonghyun threw it down with a huff and drew his knees up in the desk chair.

“Damn this thing.”

Jinki picked the pencil up off the floor and laid it on the edge of the chair by Jonghyun’s foot. “You just need to have a looser grip, don’t think so hard about it.”

Jonghyun pouted, looking down at the pencil in disgust. Its stubbornness was keeping him from being Jinki’s magic assistant—a career he desperately wanted so he could hopefully just avoid high school and college altogether in favor of traveling the country putting on shows for the unassuming public. 

“Just try again,” Jinki suggested. 

His smile was sweet and encouraging, so Jonghyun grabbed the pencil again. He narrowed his eyes at it, willing it to work. He couldn’t afford to embarrass himself in front of Jinki again. He was already humiliated. 

Slowly, he placed his fingers on the end of the pencil, lightly gripping it. He glanced at Jinki, who gave him a thumbs up. He flicked his wrist, and the pencil moved fluidly like rubber, just as it had when Jinki had first shown it to him. Jonghyun couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on his face. 

“See! I knew you could do it,” Jinki said, eyes lighting up. 

“Now can I be your assistant?” Jonghyun prodded, tossing the pencil up in the air cooly as if to demonstrate that he’d mastered it completely. 

“I think you’ve earned it,” Jinki acknowledged. “You can shuffle this deck of cards next.”

Jonghyun graciously accepted the pile of neatly stacked cards, and tossed them back and forth between his hands. They sat in silence as Jinki planned out a list of new tricks he wanted to do that he read about in the book open next to him. Jonghyun sighed.

School that week had been a drag for him, and he had been missing the easy flow of his elementary school days. He didn’t like having so much new responsibility, of having to think about his future in such careful detail. 

Afternoons with Jinki were the most peaceful, getting him out of his head where worries had been stewing since their last big test that he hadn’t studied for. He had been afraid of being alone, of not finding any friends at this awkward and confusing stage of his life. Jinki was silly, kind of childish, and not always the most talkative, but the two of them got along so naturally, like they didn’t even have to try. 

“Hey, let’s go get something to eat,” Jonghyun said, indicating the convenience store across the street that they went to at least three times a week. 

Jinki’s cheeks looked even rounder than usual when he smiled, and Jonghyun thought it was pleasant to look at. His face was kind and innocent, and sometimes he was even cuter than Jonghyun’s baby cousin he saw every year at Chuseok. 

“Sounds good, I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving,” Jonghyun commented as they left the room, running down the stairs like young boys do, chasing each other out the door and through the gate—prompted by the unsaid assumption that anywhere a race or competition could happen, it had to.

The late spring weather had been slowly turning into the familiar heat of summer, and as they crossed the street with exhilarated faces shining, Jonghyun felt sticky sweat already forming under his shirt.

He wiped his face with the tail of it, and Jinki grinned. “I think I won.”

Jonghyun scoffed, never willing to take hits to his ego. “Fine, but that just means you have to pay for my food.”

“Hey!” Jinki yelled as Jonghyun jogged through the door. Jinki shoved his shoulder playfully, and Jonghyun noticed that as they sat at the little white table in the corner, he kept remembering the exact pressure of each finger pressing into his skin.  


  
\---

  


The first winter of their middle school career blew sharp, cold wind through Jonghyun and Jinki’s neighborhood, keeping them bundled up in thick coats while they waited for the bus every morning and locking them inside the house on most weekends. On the off chance that the weather was milder, they huddled together on warm heated floors watching TV.

Jinki’s birthday was in the second week of December, during the exams that marked the end of their first year of middle school, and started their much-needed winter break. Jonghyun had been planning for it since Jinki’s mom had let slip the date one day in November. Jinki had blushed in embarrassment, but Jonghyun had filed away the information in the back of his brain. 

He convinced Sodam to go with him downtown a few days before the fourteenth. She tried to get him to give her some clue as to where they were going, but Jonghyun grumbled something vague and nervously checked the subway map until their stop arrived. 

Jonghyun had done his research, searching for the best store to find the perfect item for Jinki. He led Sodam through the busy streets of Apgujeong, until they reached a high-end clothing store with clean, open windows that advertised dress wear for sophisticated men and women. Jonghyun tugged on his sister’s arm.

“What are you doing? We can’t go in there,” she said sternly, resisting his stubborn tug. 

Jonghyun scowled and flopped his arm until Sodam completely let go. “Of course we can. This is a free country, we can do whatever we want.”

“Jonghyun…” Sodam began, looking at him with a puzzled, sad expression. “What’s this all about anyway? Are kids making fun of you at school?”

“What? No!” Jonghyun’s face scrunched up in annoyance. “I don’t care about them. I’m fine, noona.” He crossed his arms and turned his back to her, looking at the tall black doorway that led into the store. An employee was folding dress pants in neat rows by the window. 

“Look, if you want some nicer clothes I can probably afford to buy you something, but not from here, okay?” Sodam worried at her bottom lip, casting glances at the passersby who were walking past them with swift steps, briefcases and designer bags on their arms. 

Jonghyun went quiet. He stared at the employee in the window; a young woman with neatly styled hair and smart-looking pointed glasses. Their eyes met when she looked up from folding clothes, and a small frown passed across her face. 

“I don’t need anything,” he finally said. “It’s Jinki, his birthday is on Sunday.”

Sodam’s face softened, and she tugged Jonghyun’s shoulder over to the edge of the sidewalk, out of the way of the rushing crowds. “I know he’s your friend, but he’ll love anything you buy for him. It doesn’t have to be expensive to be nice.”

Jonghyun rolled his eyes and huffed, frustrated at everything. “No, it’s—” He pulled his hand-me-down coat around himself tighter. “I want to get him a top hat, you know, like magicians wear?”

Sodam smiled, adjusting his shirt collar and tugging him close so she could smooth out a patch of his hair that had been sticking up all day. “You’re so sweet.”

“Shut it,” Jonghyun glowered, shaking his head to keep her from touching him anymore. She dropped her hands, but Jonghyun’s angry expression turned less severe. He sighed, looking at the ground. 

“Hey, I have an idea,” Sodam said, nudging Jonghyun’s arm. “What if we just made him one?”

Jonghyun perked up a little, raising his head. “We could do that?”

“Sure,” Sodam smiled. “And it will be even more special that way.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Come on, I know just the place to go.”

On the ride back to their house, Jonghyun was his usual bubbly self, swinging his short legs in the seat of the subway car and discussing all his ideas for how they were going to make the hat, how it was going to be better than any of the rip-offs they were selling in the fancy clothing store anyway. He kept thinking of the look on Jinki’s face when he opened his gift, and how happy it would make Jonghyun to see. 

At home, Sodam spread out their purchases on the floor of the living room: sheets of thick black paper, and a roll of red satin ribbon. The freezing winter weather came down outside their window, but the inside of the house was warm and comforting as they talked and laughed, cutting and taping until they had a perfect rounded top hat sitting in front of them.

Jonghyun grinned as he cut the ribbon and pinned it in place around the hat’s brim. They cheered once it was complete, and Jonghyun couldn’t stop smiling. He wanted to give it to Jinki immediately, but he knew it would be even better if he waited until his actual birthday.

Sodam took a picture of Jonghyun holding it. “I’ll have to get one of you both on Sunday.”

Jonghyun nodded, but his smile started to drop. A line of worry crossed his forehead. “What if he doesn’t like it?”

Sodam scooted closer to him and patted his hand. “Don’t even think about that. He’s gonna love it.”

Jonghyun glanced up at her and smiled. She pulled him into a reassuring side hug, and didn’t miss the opportunity to ruffle his hair as she did. 

“You’re a menace,” Jonghyun complained, trying to squirm out of her grasp, but he was still smiling. 

“Don’t talk to me like that!” she scolded playfully, managing to lightly tap his arm as he grabbed the hat and made a dash for his bedroom. Jonghyun stuck out his tongue at the top of the stairs, and Sodam just laughed.  


  
\---

  


Sunday arrived, and Jonghyun rushed to Jinki’s house early in the morning. He hadn’t slept at all the night before; had been having trouble sleeping since the start of middle school. His excitement and nerves about Jinki’s present hadn’t helped matters either, so he diligently wrapped the gift in the brightest color paper he could find and imagined each of the possible scenarios of how Jinki would respond.

He bowed respectfully to Jinki’s mom as she opened the front gate for him with a warm smile, leading him inside where Jinki was eating his freshly prepared seaweed soup, hair mused and eyes puffy with sleep. Jonghyun hid the present behind his back. 

“Happy birthday, Lee Jinki,” he said as he approached the table. He felt self-conscious in the presence of an adult, disappointed at having to refrain from bursting into the room singing at the top of his lungs. 

Jinki didn’t look awake yet, but his warm smile made his eyes scrunch up like always. “Hi, Jonghyun.”

“We can go to the convenience store later for lunch. I’ll buy!” Jonghyun suggested excitedly. “And you can pick out whatever dessert you want.”

Jinki swallowed a spoonful of his soup, and nodded quickly. He rubbed one of his eyes and craned his head around Jonghyun’s back. “What are you holding?” 

Jonghyun blushed and looked down, eyes flitting nervously to Jinki’s mom washing dishes by the sink. “Oh, nothing. Just a stupid gift.” He raised his head, trying to gauge Jinki’s reaction.

Jinki’s whole face lit up, and Jonghyun smiled back when he saw how round Jinki’s cheeks became, how waking up from dazed sleep had made them pinker. They were soft like sweet rice cakes. Jinki’s mom smiled over at them with a knowing sparkle in her eye, and quietly exited the room after placing a kiss on the crown of Jinki’s head. 

Jonghyun could barely contain himself, about to jump out of his skin as he placed the gift on the kitchen table. Jinki looked at it timidly, like he was unsure what he was supposed to do, but slowly he tore off the wrapping paper—revealing the old shoebox that Jonghyun had put the hat in. 

“Shoes…?” Jinki asked, still not quite awake. Jonghyun laughed at him fondly. 

“No, you’re so silly. Open it up!” 

Jinki gave another apprehensive smile, but he pulled the lid off quickly, tossing it on the floor. Inside, the hat had been placed carefully on top of a pile of tissue paper that Jonghyun had meticulously arranged the night before, making sure it filled the box enough that the hat would be protected from any harm. Jinki carefully took it out, holding it in front of him like it was too precious and delicate to touch. 

“It’s a magician’s hat, you—”

“It’s perfect,” Jinki interrupted, voice quiet as he stared at his gift in awe.

Jonghyun looked down, trying to hide his smile. He bumped shoulders with Jinki. “Try it on.”

Jinki grinned and gingerly lifted it atop his head, hesitant to sit it down like he was afraid he’d break it. Jonghyun held his breath as the black rim touched Jinki’s frazzled bed-head. He turned towards Jonghyun with the widest smile on his face, eyes less puffy with sleep and bright like the sun instead. 

“You made this?” Jinki asked, running a finger across the shiny surface of the red band. Jonghyun shrugged, trying to play it off. 

“Of course I did. How else was I supposed to get one…”

Jinki let out an understanding laugh, reaching up to keep touching the hat on all of its sides. “Wow, I have a very talented assistant.”

Jonghyun waved it off, blush refusing to escape his cheeks. “Duh. It’s never the boss who actually operates the company, it’s always his employees.”

Jinki got up from the table and walked to the hallway where a small mirror hung on the wall, and Jonghyun followed. He adjusted the hat in his reflection, smile still beaming on his face. 

“You aren’t my employee, though. You’re like the second-in-command,” Jinki explained, tilting the hat up and down until it sat snugly on his head the way he liked it. Jonghyun caught his own stare in the reflection, and instinctively messed with his hair. It laid too flat and made his face look too big. He fluffed it up and made an angry face, pointing his eyebrows and showing his teeth. Jinki laughed, bewildered. 

“You’re weird,” he commented, poking Jonghyun’s ear. Jonghyun swat at it, pretending to be annoyed. 

“You’re weird, Lee Jinki,” he frowned at the mirror and fluffed up his hair even more. Jinki grinned, finger sneaking close to the side of Jonghyun’s face again. He waited until the very last second, and quickly turned his head, opening his mouth wide and pretending to bite Jinki’s finger off. He smiled triumphantly as Jinki wrinkled his nose.

“Ew!”

At Jonghyun’s house later that day, after filling up on snacks and sweets for lunch, Sodam and his mom gushed over how cute Jinki looked and made the two of them take a picture with their arms around each other’s shoulders. Jonghyun acted like he was embarrassed, but at night when Jinki went back home, he bugged Sodam to show him. He held the camera delicately in his hands and stared at Jinki’s smile.  


  
\---

  


In the summer of their last year of middle school, Jinki and Jonghyun decided to put on a magic show.

Jinki wrote out a showbill with careful, practiced handwriting, and Jonghyun decorated his own handmade hat. They spent the first week of summer break practicing every trick they had planned, spending entire days in Jinki’s bedroom with their materials strewn all over the floor, mixed together with various candy wrappers and potato chip bags. 

When Jonghyun went to bed every night, he laid awake conjuring up imaginary situations where the show would inevitably go wrong and they’d have to retire from magic for good. Other nights, he imagined the show going absolutely perfect, and he saw their whole career ahead of them in bright shiny colors. 

The day before the show, Jinki and Jonghyun handed out invitations to their parents and Sodam. Each card was hand-drawn by Jinki, and included a smiley face with a tongue sticking out that was wearing a rendition of his own top hat. Jonghyun rummaged around in his closet until he found his most formal clothes; a white button up shirt with sleeves too long for summer, and black pants that were too tight for him. 

It took place in Jinki’s living room, with lunch prepared by his mother. Jonghyun sweat through his shirt and felt much too nervous to eat. Jinki’s dad complimented their hats and Sodam’s eyes twinkled knowingly.

Fifteen minutes before the show began, Jinki and Jonghyun carried out the little table with all their props on it. They’d draped a blue cloth over it—a gift from Sodam, who had encouraged them in every way she could during the grueling process of preparing the show. Jinki took a deep breath, shooting Jonghyun an anxious look. Jonghyun steeled himself and gave a firm nod of his chin. 

Jinki had prepared a set of his best card tricks, and his mom smiled with pride when he guessed each of her cards correctly. Second was Jonghyun’s favorite; making money appear out of thin air. They stood facing one another, and Jonghyun grinned. 

“Now, be amazed as I make a 5,000 won note appear from behind my assistant’s ear!” 

Jonghyun snorted at Jinki’s announcement. He was just like a little kid, so funny and easily-amused by the simplest things. He reached behind Jonghyun’s left ear, and Jonghyun’s skin prickled at the contact. In an instant, the money seemed to appear in Jinki’s hand, and everyone clapped, amazed. Jinki grinned and took a huge bow.

Jinki used a rubber band to make a ring look like it was rising up the length of a normal string, he pretended to make a styrofoam cup float in mid-air, and put a pencil through a plastic bag of water without spilling a drop. Jonghyun handed him each prop, and introduced each trick. Jinki was all sweaty by the end of the show, but he enthusiastically prepared the final trick; Jonghyun making a pencil appear to be made of rubber.

At the end of the show, Jinki pulled Jonghyun into a hug and their parents took more pictures than necessary. Jonghyun let them have their fun, leaning into his mom’s embrace when she pulled him close. As they cleaned up for the night, Jinki never once took his hat off. His room was an absolute disaster, but they set their props down and collapsed on the floor, giggling loudly. 

“I don’t want middle school to end,” Jonghyun grumbled as they listened to the radio and stared at Jinki’s ceiling. “We’ll have to work our asses off in high school.”

Jinki nodded solemnly, hands behind his head and elbow touching Jonghyun’s. “Unless we become famous magicians first.” 

Jonghyun smirked, turning his head to the side to look at Jinki. His forehead was sweaty, hair sticking to it in little clumps, and the t-shirt he’d changed into had a stain in one corner. He always said the right thing at the right time, and Jonghyun didn’t know how he did it. 

“At least I can grow my hair out,” Jonghyun replied, tugging on it with an annoyed pout. “I look like a five year old.”

Jinki laughed and smoothed a hand down his own head. “Well I must look like a three year old, then.”

Jonghyun snorted, eyes trailing around the perimeter of Jinki’s room. The radio was faint in the background, but Jonghyun’s ears perked up at a familiar melody. “Oh! I love this song.”

He jumped up and fiddled with the volume knob until the music played louder. He’d been listening to the radio a lot lately, and this song played every few days. It was a simple guitar melody, but the singer’s voice was so emotional that it elevated the song to something more. He settled down next to Jinki again, humming along to the chorus.

“I told my mom I want to learn how to play an instrument,” he announced. 

Jinki’s eyes widened and his mouth parted in surprise. “Wow...you would be so cool…” he mused. 

Jonghyun smirked, taking it as the perfect opportunity to tease Jinki like he loved to do. “What? Am I not cool now?” he shoved his shoulder, and Jinki giggled, nudging him back with just as much force.

“Not as cool as the guy singing this song,” Jinki decided, head swaying along to the beat. Jonghyun shook his head, but closed his eyes to get lost in the story of the lyrics and the warmth of the vocalist’s tone.

“I’ll be cool like him one day,” Jonghyun promised. “Just you wait.”

Jinki didn’t say anything, but he had his perfect smile on his face. Jonghyun didn’t know why he liked it so much, but every time Jinki smiled like that it felt like the whole room became calmer. It made everything slow down, it made everything feel safe and happy. 

Jonghyun decided that Jinki was the most interesting person he had ever met. He wasn’t like any of his elementary school friends, or his sister, or his mom. He made Jonghyun laugh more than anyone else, was quiet when he needed to be and loud with Jonghyun needed that too. 

Looking at Jinki there, with his chubby cheeks and innocent eyes, halfway falling asleep on the floor with a line of drool falling out of the side of his mouth, Jonghyun decided that Jinki was cool too.  


  



	2. Jinki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 해녀, haenyeo: women divers of Jeju Island. Jonghyun's irl grandma is [actually one!](https://fyjjong.tumblr.com/post/155902158643/blue-night-radio-170116-translation)
> 
> 요, yo: Korean bed mat that sits low on the floor. Housing in Korea largely has 온돌 (ondol) or floor heating, so the floor is warm enough to sleep directly on :)
> 
> [here](https://replaydebut.tumblr.com/post/186957582423/jonghyuns-long-hair-comes-up-quite-often-in-a) is a reference post of what jjong's hair looks like in this chapter ^^

  
In the summer of their first year of high school, Jonghyun learned how to play the bass guitar, and Jinki learned that he liked looking at him when he did. 

They sat in Jonghyun’s bedroom with the window open to the dewy morning, letting sunlight trickle in while Jonghyun hunched over the guitar in his lap and plucked out the bassline to a Buzz song. Jinki watched him from Jonghyun’s bed with a book open in his lap. He had been distractedly trying to read it, but Jonghyun had been growing his hair out since the beginning of the semester and he was only wearing a white tank top and Jinki caught himself staring.

Since the end of middle school, Jinki had given up on his pursuit of magic as a career and had taken to reading a lot of novels. He wondered if he might become an author. Jonghyun had received a bass guitar from Sodam for his birthday, and quickly their summer break routine became hours of Jonghyun quietly learning his favorite songs while Jinki watched.

The silence was far from uncomfortable, and Jinki almost welcomed it. In middle school, it seemed the way to get to know someone was to always ask each other questions, to ask adults questions, to ask anyone questions about the world around them which was slowly growing in scope. High school was the time when those questions became more internal, when the two of them could share their silence while contemplating each other and themselves. 

Jinki was contemplating the way that Jonghyun’s tank top was clinging to the newly formed lean muscles in his shoulders and arms. Those hadn’t been there in middle school, and under the wraps of their high school uniforms Jinki hadn’t really seen them throughout the semester.

Summer break had given him this; this confusing yet thrilling jolt of something in his gut when he watched Jonghyun’s body thrumming alongside the guitar in his lap. 

“Let’s go buy something to drink,” Jonghyun’s voice brought Jinki out of his daze, brought his eyes snapping back up to Jonghyun’s face rather than the ribbed lines of his tank top stretching across his chest. Jinki closed his book and looked away with an embarrassed flush coloring his cheeks, but he nodded and followed Jonghyun outside and down the street to the convenience store. 

It was eleven AM and the sun was starting to become heavy and hot on their backs in the July heat. Jonghyun walked with a certain swagger that Jinki couldn’t categorize. His arms were loose at his sides but muscles firm under his tanned summer skin and his hips moved with a confident fluidity. Jinki felt more vulnerable in his too-small shorts from the last year of middle school. He still needed to ask his mom to take him shopping for new clothes.

“I’ve been learning how to play ‘Thorn,’” Jonghyun said as they approached the store. “It was easier than I thought it would be. I think I’ll be able to play it fully by the end of the day.”

Jinki nodded along and opened the door of the store for Jonghyun as they walked in. He’d been trying to learn one song per day. When he couldn’t complete his goal, he often became moody and sulked in his chair without talking to Jinki, or he turned to his computer to immerse himself in video games until Jinki fell asleep in his bed. 

Jonghyun picked up a couple bowls of ramyun from the shelf, and Jinki dug around in the fridge for Jonghyun’s favorite tea. The air conditioner blasting its freezing air was a relief on their sweaty skin as they microwaved their noodles and settled themselves at the small plastic table by the appliances. Jonghyun stirred up the ingredients in his ramyun aggressively. 

“I’ve been thinking,” he began as he twisted the noodles around his chopsticks, twirling them together until they formed a suitable mouthful. “I should start a band.” 

Jinki almost choked on his tea, eyes going wide. “You think you could?” It seemed like the kind of thing only students at fine arts high schools were able to achieve.

Jonghyun shrugged, but some color came to his cheeks, embarrassed to have boasted about the possibility after Jinki reacted with such surprise. “I mean, I’m already doing pretty good. I bet by next year I’ll be able to start writing my own songs.”

Jinki’s heart thrummed at the possibility, the image of Jonghyun decked out in punk clothes on stage with his bass—bobbing his head cooly along to the beat while a crowd of fans roared in front of him. 

“You would be in it, of course,” Jonghyun continued, looking down into his bowl. Jinki laughed and stirred his own noodles up.

“What would I do?” he asked, self-conscious. Jonghyun had taken so well to the bass, seemed to fit with it seamlessly. When he tried to imagine himself on stage next to Jonghyun, his mental image fell apart. 

“You can be the lead singer!” Jonghyun suggested, face lighting up. “It can’t be that hard, right?”

Jinki laughed again. So many of the things that Jonghyun thought couldn’t be hard, were actually incredibly hard for Jinki. The first semester of high school had taught him that.

Something about Jonghyun’s hands molded perfectly to the shape of nearly every instrument in their music class on the first try, whereas Jinki’s had to take their diligent time working out the placements. When Jinki had to spend the entirety of self-study on his ethics homework, Jonghyun passed the exam with barely two hours under his belt. 

“When I close my eyes, all I can see is Min Kyunghoon,” Jinki mumbled in response. 

Jonghyun barked out one of his loud, warm laughs.

“What the hell does that mean?”

Jinki grinned and gulped down the leftover hot broth from his noodles. “I just can’t see myself on stage singing,” he explained. 

Jonghyun shrugged. “Well, if you don’t want to, I bet I can have auditions.”

Jinki froze at that. He didn’t feel comfortable being the lead singer of Jonghyun’s band, but imagining him hanging out with other boys made his stomach swoop in an unfamiliar way. He stood up. 

“I should probably head back,” he said. “My mom wanted me home after lunch.”

Jonghyun nodded and tossed his empty bowl into the trash. He took a huge swig of his tea and Jinki watched the line of his throat as the muscles worked the liquid down. Jonghyun’s collarbone was slightly damp with sweat, and Jinki felt more and more like being alone. 

“Let me know if you change your mind about the band,” Jonghyun said once they walked back out into the humid summer air. “You’re my first choice.” 

He squeezed Jinki’s shoulder and smiled a close-lipped smile. Jonghyun’s eyes always curved when he smiled like that, and his cheeks dimpled a little. Jinki didn’t know why he was suddenly realizing that. 

“Good luck learning ‘Thorn,’” Jinki replied, and walked away in what he hoped wasn’t too obvious of a hurry.  


  
\---

  


The next day Jinki went to the public library to check out a new book, and as he walked in he saw the flyer attached to a bulletin board near the front door. In choppy, blocky handwriting it read:

_Looking for band members!!! I need a singer, drummer, and lead guitar player~ ^^ Please contact Kim Jonghyun at the following number if you want to join!! ㅎㅅㅎ_

Strips of paper with Jonghyun’s house phone written on them were arranged in a row along the bottom of the page. Two had already been torn off. Jinki sighed and headed for the science fiction section. 

He had told Jonghyun he felt sick this morning, and decided to hide out at the library until he got hungry enough to go home. He felt weird the night before, having had a strange dream that made him wake up sweaty and dehydrated. He wondered if he actually was getting sick.

As he ran his finger along the spines of all the books, he tried to forget the way Jonghyun’s long hair curled behind his ears. He didn’t want to hang out with Jonghyun today, but his mind was stubbornly fixated on him. He pulled a thick paperback book from the shelf that he hadn’t read yet, and settled himself at a nearby table—determined to concentrate on the words and let his brain seep into the story. 

The library was a peaceful place for Jinki. He liked to pick out a stack of books on days when he had the time and place them in a neat pile at a table, imagining that he would read them all in one day. More often than not, he finished the smallest one and took the rest home. Lately, he enjoyed science fiction and mystery novels, and the way they got into his head and stuck there for hours after. 

During the school semester, he went to the library every Sunday to study, watching the way the light from the windows illuminated dust particles in the air when the rays hit the wooden tables. He liked looking at the uniform shapes of the windows, at the slope of the ceiling in the biggest room, at the patterns and colors on the exterior of the building, how they contrasted each other and worked together.

A few hours after he started reading his new book, he felt his stomach growl and distract him from finishing the third chapter. He checked the book out and headed up the road to the bus stop. As he approached the stop, he saw Jonghyun with a piece of tape in between his teeth and an armful of his flyers, attaching one to the back of the bench near the bus stop sign. 

Jinki huddled behind the convenience store on the corner of the street, just enough that he could hide while still watching Jonghyun. There was a mild breeze, and it ruffled Jonghyun’s hair. Jinki tried to quiet his breathing, afraid of giving away his position. 

Just when he thought Jonghyun was about to turn and leave, another boy approached him and pointed to the flyer. Jonghyun’s eyes lit up as they started talking. The boy was tall and lanky, with a mop of shaggy dark hair. It struck Jinki how animated Jonghyun was when he talked, and how he seemed to make conversation with anyone even when it was unexpected. Jinki frowned.

The boy left with one of Jonghyun’s phone numbers torn from the bottom of the flyer, and Jonghyun continued down the street in the opposite direction to tape more up. His pant legs pooled around his ankles, and he had to keep pulling them up by the waistband as he walked. Jinki had noticed a mild growth spurt in himself after the last year of middle school, but Jonghyun’s height wasn’t seeming to follow suit.

When the coast was clear, Jinki abandoned his position behind the convenience store and sat on the bus stop bench reading his book until the bus arrived. On the bus ride home, he tried and failed to ignore the burst of anger he felt when he replayed the scene of Jonghyun talking with the other boy.  


  
\---

  


After two more days of avoiding Jonghyun in favor of holing himself up in his room devouring books, Jinki showed up to Jonghyun’s house carrying a cold bottle of his favorite tea. He was greeted first by Jonghyun’s sister, and next by the metallic twang of electric guitar strings vibrating off the walls of Jonghyun’s bedroom.

When he inched his way inside the cramped space, he felt everyone’s eyes turn his direction except for Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun was wearing a new t-shirt, black and red with the sleeves cut off to showcase his arms. He sat in his chair with his eyes firmly concentrated on his bass, twisting the knobs to tune up his strings. 

“What’s up, are you Jonghyun’s little brother or something?” a guitar player with spiked hair said to Jinki. Jonghyun laughed quietly and Jinki felt his throat getting dry. 

“He’s just my friend,” Jonghyun replied before Jinki could form a sentence. “It’s fine, Hyunwoo,” His voice sounded distracted, and he still didn’t look up, just kept tightening and loosening the knobs. 

Jinki shuffled into the room awkwardly, thinking off-handedly about how he’d been in Jonghyun’s bedroom before all these guys, how since middle school he had known its shape and the way it always got too hot in the afternoons unless someone opened a window. He knew it was stupid, but a weird possessiveness clogged up his throat when he saw the other guitar player perched on the edge of Jonghyun’s bed. 

“First practice?” Jinki asked, trying to lean casually against Jonghyun’s closet door. “Where’d you get all the equipment?” 

He stared at Jonghyun as he said it, but he was addressing the messy tangle of microphone wires and the beat up amps strewn about the tiny floorspace. Jonghyun flicked his eyes up for a small second, but Jinki caught it and tried to smile at him. Jonghyun’s lips twitched in defiance when he looked away. 

“My dad’s a musician, so he let me borrow it,” the guitar player sitting on the bed said. He had unruly hair and thick-rimmed glasses that kept sliding down his broad nose. His guitar strap was faded with the name “Youngbae” scrawled in black permanent marker. 

“And we’re gonna practice everyday,” Jonghyun chimed in. He finally stopped tuning his bass and stood up from his chair. His eyes flicked to Jinki again, a measure of tension seeming to lessen between them as he did. 

“We’re gonna practice after school too once the semester starts,” Jonghyun continued. He shifted the strap of his bass on his shoulders, adjusting it so it sat flat. Jinki’s eyes were once again drawn to the curve of Jonghyun’s collarbone and the way the arm holes of his shirt were big enough that Jinki could see the edge of his chest peeking through. 

Jinki nodded and tossed the tea he was still holding between his hands. “Maybe I can be your manager,” he joked, hoping his smirk caught Jonghyun’s attention. 

“We probably need one of those actually,” the tall, lanky kid who Jinki had seen Jonghyun talking to at the bus stop piped up from behind the drum set. “I’m Minho, by the way.” 

Jonghyun smiled then, and whether it was at the eager introduction from the clearly younger boy or it was purposely aimed at Jinki, his teeth still shone and his nose scrunched up. It was an approving smile, one that seemed to invite Jinki back into Jonghyun’s little world. Jinki handed him the bottle of tea and Jonghyun took a big gulp. 

“Well then, manager-nim,” Jonghyun addressed him. “if you don’t mind, we’ll be playing Thorn by Buzz today,” Jonghyun giggled as he said it, and Jinki realized he was seeing Jonghyun’s nerves bubbling up. He shook his hands rapidly, as if trying to release the anxious energy through his fingertips. Jinki had seen him do it before during a math exam. 

The boy named Youngbae stood at the microphone in the center, and Hyunwoo began the opening guitar riff. Youngbae’s voice was deeper than Jinki had expected, with a steadiness that didn’t waver even as he began the rhythm guitar parts. Jonghyun kept his head down, concentrating on hitting every note correctly. As Youngbae kept singing, Jonghyun seemed to settle into his part easier, and he looked up at Jinki with a beaming smile. 

For some reason, Jinki’s heart flipped at the sight.

The pulsing thud of the drums grew louder as the song progressed, and during the second chorus Jonghyun approached his own microphone timidly. His fingers started to slip a few seconds behind when he began to sing the backing vocals, but his voice was sweet and warm and Jinki felt his heart flipping to the speed of the guitars. He felt claustrophobic in the little room surrounded by the barrage of noise drowning out his increasing heartbeat.

Jonghyun finished his back-up part and furrowed his eyebrows instantly, pressing his fingers down hard on the strings of his bass and picking furiously. By the end of the song, his shoulders had slumped and his mouth was curved in a pouty frown. He avoided everyone’s eyes as he took another sip of tea. 

Jinki recognized the look on his face, and the deflated posture of his body as he sunk into his chair. The other band members were talking amongst themselves with breathless smiles, exhilarated with the feeling of success after the first run, but Jonghyun was quiet and small. Jinki sat down on the floor next to Jonghyun’s chair, his knees knocking together as he pulled them up to his chest.

Youngbae looked over at Jonghyun with a questioning frown, and Jinki made an easy, quick decision.

“Everyone...uh,” he said, voice quiet to match Jonghyun’s vulnerability. “Just practice your parts on your own. Manager’s orders.”

Jonghyun looked down at Jinki through his bangs with a shy smile. He kept twisting his fingers together in his lap. Jinki reached over and touched his shoulder. He immediately worried that his hands would feel too clammy and sweaty on Jonghyun’s skin, but he laid his palm down anyway.

“You did great,” Jinki assured him quietly. Jonghyun plucked at his bass strings. Hyunwoo was watching them out of the corner of his eye.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun muttered. His smile had slipped from his face, but he began plucking the strings in a rhythm instead of a disinterested staccato. Jinki dropped his hand from Jonghyun’s shoulder and let him grumpily and obsessively practice his part over and over again.

Jinki shifted in his seat on the floor. He was self-conscious, feeling like an outsider in a room where he had previously felt the most welcome. Jonghyun’s bandmates seemed somewhat lost as they milled about, plucking at their instruments and talking amongst themselves. Jonghyun had clearly assumed a measure of authority by creating the band and hosting practice at his house, and his usual routine of fuming and pouting probably seemed as out of place to them as Jinki felt. 

Jinki thought about how he always let Jonghyun have his time and his moments of introspection when he got frustrated. He thought about how his head always made an indention in Jonghyun’s pillow that hadn’t yet come out. 

“Come on,” Jonghyun suddenly said, eyebrows drawn in a firm line. “Let’s do it again, and then we have to pick a band name.” 

Jinki kept his eyes down, studying Jonghyun’s floor as they restarted the song. Youngbae was singing most of it, but Jinki’s ears continued to find the wavelength of Jonghyun’s shaky yet determined voice as it travelled through the air.

  


  
\---

  


The beginning of the second semester arrived with as much dignified grace as Jinki’s clumsy feet did when they squeezed into his old shoes, stiff and uncertain after weeks laying dormant. His mother trimmed his hair over the kitchen sink while the August sun burned hot through the window and a trot song drifted out of their CD player. 

Even in the few short weeks of summer, Jinki felt like he had grown in time with the weeds in the garden behind their house. His uniform tightened at the arms when he reached forward to grab his water at the breakfast table, and he felt confined within it when the heat bore down as his mother waved him goodbye at the door.

Jonghyun met up with him outside his house, with his hair still curled down his neck and falling shaggy in front of his eyes. His uniform was slung over his arm, revealing the graphic tee he was wearing instead. Jinki snorted.

“That’s not gonna go over well,” he pointed out as they stepped into stride towards the bus stop. 

Jonghyun shrugged. “I’ll change into it before homeroom starts. I’m not ready for summer to be over yet.” 

Jinki grinned at that. Jonghyun had been practicing with his band nearly everyday, late hours into the night that made Sodam grumble, only half-complaining. Jonghyun had an old messenger bag slung across his body that Jinki hadn’t seen before. A bunch of notebook paper stuck out of the edge like it had been haphazardly shoved in. 

“You would’ve fooled me,” Jinki said, teasing. “Looks like you’ve been studying more than anyone.” He pointed to the bulging bag.

Jonghyun flushed and shoved the papers in deeper. “It’s lyrics,” he explained. “They aren’t done yet, though. They’re premature.” 

“‘Premature.’ Wow, you really have been studying,” Jinki said, but he respected Jonghyun’s privacy and let him jostle the bag until the papers were hidden inside. Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but there was the hint of a smile on his face as they boarded the bus.

Leaning against the bus window with his backpack shielding his legs from the sun, Jinki led into something he had been thinking about for a while. “I have an idea.”

Jonghyun’s face perked up at that, and he stopped toying with the headphones draped around his neck to look at Jinki. “Out with it then.” 

Jinki grinned, only somewhat embarrassed to say it. He had been mulling it over for the last week, and it felt like something that needed to be said at the start of the new semester, at another turning point in their lives. 

“You guys should put on a concert,” Jinki said, eyes lighting up just thinking about it. “I could organize it, since I’m your manager and everything.” 

Jonghyun raised an eyebrow, but his mouth was open in thought and his eyes were wide. His lashes looked longer than they used to, or at least that’s what Jinki thought. It struck Jinki suddenly that he was nervous; nervous for Jonghyun’s approval. 

“I don’t know where we would have it,” Jonghyun said, eyebrows furrowing together in concentration. 

“Don’t worry, I thought about that too,” Jinki assured him, turning in his seat to face Jonghyun head on. “I can ask the homeroom teacher if you can perform at the school festival. I’m on good terms with him because of my last exam grades.”

Jonghyun smiled and his eyes caught that sparkle that they always seemed to have when bright ideas formed in his mind, when the gears began turning quicker than Jinki or the rest of the world could keep up.

“Lee Jinki, you’re a genius,” Jonghyun said, drumming his fingers on empty seat in front of them as excitement started to work its way into his system. Jinki blushed and turned his head back to the window. His stomach was tied in an unfamiliar knot and he didn’t like how hot his face felt. The bus passed over a rough section of road and Jonghyun’s messenger bag fell halfway into Jinki’s lap, followed by the warm press of Jonghyun’s thigh against his own. 

“We have to tell the guys at practice today. I was thinking of skipping self-study anyway,” Jonghyun rambled on, oblivious to the way the closeness of his body was making Jinki feel even hotter than the sun beating down on both of their necks. He nodded silently, afraid of any words besides Jonghyun’s own. 

As they walked into the school building, Jinki’s eyes fixated on the curve of Jonghyun’s back underneath the thin material of his t-shirt. A thought came into Jinki’s mind then that felt like a heavy rock bludgeoning the side of his head.

He thought that he wouldn’t mind if the in-between period before homeroom never ended, because then he would be able to watch that curve all day from his seat behind Jonghyun instead of watching the stark white of his uniform shirt billowing in the breeze from the open window. 

  


  
\---

  


The day of the school festival arrived before anyone expected it, and Jonghyun’s hands were visibly shaking around his bass as he and the rest of the band stood on the gymnasium stage that had been decked out in a flurry of balloons and streamers and signs displaying school pride.

Jinki had overseen them for the past couple of months as they’d practiced the same Buzz songs every night, as well as overseen the painstaking application of the band name onto Minho’s drum set in black and red spray paint. 

“Odd Eye,” Jinki had sounded out while trying to read Jonghyun’s messy handwriting. “What’s that mean anyway?”

“Something somewhat strange yet still alluring,” Jonghyun had said, and Jinki had nodded along like he knew exactly what Jonghyun meant. 

Other students were chatting in their seats with excitement, their voices bubbling up and echoing throughout the cavernous room. Sodam and Jonghyun’s mom were in the crowd, and Sodam waved at them as she held up the video camera she’d brought. 

“Ah, she’s embarrassing,” Jonghyun grumbled, but Jinki noticed the small smile at the corner of his mouth when he said it.

Jinki had read in a business manual from the library that the key to success in any workplace depended on the ability of the manager to properly motivate and instruct their employees. He felt that pressure now as he watched Minho drop a drumstick on the ground and cause Hyunwoo to almost trip over it and fall into his amp. 

More than anything, Jinki realized he was worried about Jonghyun.

In the weeks leading up to the performance, Jonghyun had spent every moment outside of class and group band practice rehearsing the songs on his own. More often than not he left self-study early and went home to practice without telling Jinki. Even during group practice when Jinki was able to talk to Jonghyun, he seemed distracted and stressed—acting like they needed to work harder even after they played good runs. 

With about ten minutes to warm up before the show officially started, Jonghyun was obsessively playing through the songs and mumbling the words under his breath. Jinki noticed the calluses on the pads of his thumb and fingers, and the way his nails were chewed off short. 

“Hey,” Jinki said, trying to keep his voice down so that Jonghyun knew his words were for him only. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Jonghyun’s eyes were wide with nerves when he looked up, but there was something in them that looked like relief at what Jinki said.

“Manager knows best,” he continued, wanting to make Jonghyun laugh by saying something stupid and silly. Jonghyun’s shoulders shook on an amused snort. 

“I saw you reading that book, Growth in Business and Management,” Jonghyun said. “What do you think this is, Hyundai?”

Jinki grinned. Jonghyun seemed less of a bundle of nerves than he was just a moment before, and Jinki would take any teasing if it helped contribute to his lighter mood.

“I have to get experience before I rise through the ranks, you know,” Jinki replied. “This is just the first step, soon I’ll be the youngest CEO in Korean history.”

Jonghyun laughed. “Yeah, keep talking,” he said as he straightened out the cord of his bass and got into position behind his microphone. His laugh turned into an easy smile and Jinki decided that his management abilities really weren’t so bad.

The sky had been cloudy for most of the day, but before the festival performances had started it let the sun peek through as if deciding that this moment was special enough to warrant its arrival. Jinki felt something surging inside him, a swelling in his chest and a tingle of anxiety from anticipation. He wanted this to go well so badly. He hadn’t done anything besides bring Jonghyun his tea and snacks everyday at practice, but still something in him felt warm like pride.

Youngbae took on the role of MC and introduced the band while Jinki stood off to the side and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. As the first note of ‘Thorn’ reverberated from Hyunwoo’s amp, Jinki felt his shoulders relax. 

His eyes couldn’t seem to look away from Jonghyun, even when he was just standing and waiting for his part. When he started to play, Jinki felt like he was sitting on the edge of his seat during an action movie, but it was less about waiting for disaster to strike and more about being entranced by the excitement.

When Jonghyun’s back up vocal part came, he seamlessly played and sang at the same time. It was smooth and effortless, like he’d been able to do it from the beginning. Jinki had been watching him do it like that for weeks during practice, but somehow it looked even cooler on a stage. 

Jonghyun was flushed with energy by the end of the first song, even waving at Sodam as she filmed. He flashed Jinki a bright smile and a wiggle of his eyebrows that said, “It was good, right?” Jinki smiled back as the second song began.

After they played You Don’t Know Men by Buzz, Jinki prepared for them to say their thanks and bow off stage, but suddenly Jonghyun scooted his mic closer to Youngbae, and Youngbae gave him a small nod. They hadn’t researched this section of the show. 

“For the encore, our Jonghyun will be showcasing his first self-written song, so please show him support,” Youngbae said. Jinki felt his emotions swirl in his stomach as Jonghyun approached the center mic and Youngbae stepped back.

Jonghyun gave a small nod, and Jinki saw his nerves make another appearance. He worried that this would cause the other students to start teasing Jonghyun for being boastful, and he felt upset that Jonghyun hadn’t let him in on this little secret, even though he’d clearly organized it with the band members. 

As Youngbae played a slow, simple guitar melody, Jonghyun’s voice steadily grew. His hands shook on the mic, and his posture looked stiff, but his voice flowed gradually like a stream of calm water.

Jinki hadn’t heard him before without the overlay of Youngbae’s loud vocals, but Jonghyun sounded strong like he’d been singing for years. His voice seemed to know what it was doing on its own, as if it was guiding Jonghyun down a path and all he had to do was follow. 

The lyrics were poetic and might’ve been cheesy if Jinki had heard them in a drama or a movie, but with Jonghyun singing them they sounded natural, like they fit the mood perfectly. As the stage lights shone down on his closed eyes, face leaning into the mic and sweat straining on the edge of his brow, Jinki’s chest felt tight.

He wasn’t upset that Jonghyun hadn’t told him about the song anymore, but his heart ached for a different reason that he didn’t understand.

When the song ended, Jonghyun bowed deeply and mumbled a quiet thank you while cheers from their peers erupted from the seats below. Jinki rushed towards him as he began to pack up his equipment. 

“You wrote that?” Jinki asked. He felt like he wanted to say something more, something less obvious, but he couldn’t find the words.

“It’s what I’ve been doing instead of going to self-study,” Jonghyun replied, and he looked embarrassed. “I know it isn’t good, but I wanted it to be a surprise...or whatever.”

Jinki flinched, shocked at Jonghyun’s criticism. “Of course it’s good, what do you mean?”

Jonghyun shook his head, and tried to move out of sight as his mom and sister came rushing over. “I’ll keep working hard though, and next time you’ll see an improved version.” 

Jinki laughed and watched as Jonghyun’s mom started cooing over him and interrupting his instrument packing process. “It’s perfect the way it is,” Jinki said. Jonghyun wasn’t listening anymore though, too busy trying to scowl as his mom fretted over him and his wrinkled uniform. 

At Jonghyun’s house afterward, they sat around the TV eating dinner and watching the VHS tape of the performance. Jonghyun complained that he sounded bad, and his mom told him to hush. Jinki ate a second helping of fried rice, and listened to the replay of Jonghyun’s song in his head until he fell asleep on the living room floor.

  


  
\---

  


“Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun’s head popped up from the desk in front of Jinki’s during the second hour of self-study. “You still want to become an author?” 

Jinki laid down his pencil on his half-finished math worksheet. “I don’t know, maybe. Why?”

Jonghyun held up a flimsy magazine with a bright cover. “You gotta move to Hongdae, you know. It’s where the art and literature scene is these days, says so in this magazine I got from noona.” He flipped to a two-page spread filled with graffitied buildings and pictures of stylish university students. 

Jinki laughed and looked back down at his worksheet, suddenly self-conscious. “I might not be an author after all. The homeroom teacher advised me against it. He said it’s hard to find a job.” 

Jonghyun’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “That guy...what does he know anyway.” 

Jinki shook his head, but smiled. “I mean, he is the teacher.” 

Jonghyun tapped the magazine again. “He doesn’t know the real world.” 

Jinki ignored that and inclined his head towards Jonghyun’s desk, empty besides an open notebook and his pencil bag. “Are you even doing any homework?” 

Jonghyun blew air out of his nose with an annoyed frown. “Don’t worry about what I’m doing. I’m trying to help you with your career, ungrateful punk.” 

He turned back around and Jinki heard the scrape his chair against the linoleum floor followed by the tinny noise of music from Jonghyun’s headphones and the faint scratch of pencil on paper. 

  


  
\---

  


In the summer of their second year of high school, Jonghyun’s family planned a trip to Jeju Island. Jinki was invited along by way of Jonghyun’s nonchalant persuasion while the two of them sat on the steps overlooking the school field on the last day of exams. 

“You’re my best friend, so it’s only right that you come,” he said in between bites of ice cream. Jinki thought Jonghyun’s cheeks looked the slightest bit pink. “Besides, I’ll be bored on my own. My cousins will be there too and noona will want to hang out with them more than me.” 

Jinki barely caught the last part of Jonghyun’s sentence, because his brain kept rewinding the first. 

“Best friend, huh?” was the only thing Jinki could think to say. His ice cream started to melt in his hand.

It was the first time Jonghyun had ever really said it. Since the day they met in middle school they had fallen into step with each other so naturally that the title hadn’t needed application.

“What? Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” Jonghyun replied. 

He had discarded his uniform shirt for a black tank top that slowly began collecting sweat where his underarm touched the fabric. Sparse dark hairs peeked out at random intervals, in time with the movement of Jonghyun’s arm when he lifted his ice cream to his mouth. Jinki rubbed one of his eyes. The heat made his brain fuzzy like a thick winter blanket.

“I’ve never been on a plane before,” he said, thinking about the heights they reached. He’d read all about in a nonfiction book one lazy day at the library. 

“It’s fun, don’t worry. They give you snacks and stuff,” Jonghyun assured him, as if Jinki had been worried about hunger and not the proximity of his and Jonghyun’s bodies when seated next to each other in the tight rows of the plane cabin. 

Jinki watched as Jonghyun licked a stripe up his palm, catching the drops of ice cream that had slipped down his cone and onto his hand. Jinki felt a shiver run down his back even in the hot July heat.

While time had been on Jinki’s side in terms of vertical height, it had instead given Jonghyun’s muscles their roundness, given his chin and brow bone their sharpness. His hair was longer than it had ever been, trailing delicately down the base of his neck.

“You kind of look like a rockstar right now,” Jinki commented. His mouth was running off on its own path today. 

Jonghyun laughed though, and his bright teeth seemed to reflect the sun the same way the white side of the school building did. 

“Did exams squeeze all the juice out of your brain?” Jonghyun said, cocking his head and squinting when he looked over at Jinki. Jinki shrugged and kept his eyes on his own ice cream. 

Exams had been hard, and Jinki knew the path forward wouldn’t be any easier, but their strenuous studying wasn’t the reason for anything he had just said.

Sometimes studying seemed to clear Jinki’s head more than anything else, especially after an afternoon watching Jonghyun’s band practice, or after gym class when the smell of Jonghyun’s sweat followed Jinki all the way to their next period, even after he showered. 

“I need a new pair of swim trunks if I’m gonna go,” Jinki said, as if it was any kind of logical response. Jonghyun laughed and shook his head. 

“You’re making such a mess with your ice cream,” he replied, and then Jonghyun’s thumb was centimeters from Jinki’s bottom lip and Jinki could hear the slow release of his own breath as Jonghyun swiped a smear of chocolate from the corner of his mouth. 

Jinki blinked rapidly, and the fog surrounding his brain thickened. Jonghyun just wiped his thumb across his pants, and it seemed the most simple and innocuous gesture possible. 

“We can go to the mall tomorrow,” Jonghyun offered, then stood up from the steps. “Let’s get something to eat now though. I need some real food.”

  


  
\---

  


The color of Jinki’s new swim trunks was blue. Blue like the glittering swell of the sea as it rushed by them in the rental car on the way to Jonghyun’s grandmother’s house. 

With his head leaning out of the open window, Jinki could smell the saltiness of the water, the way it mingled with the crisp wind that whipped at his hair and swirled around him like it was alive.

From the other side of the car, Jonghyun stuck his head and upper arms out, with his mouth open. He laughed at the sun as his tongue flopped out like a joyful puppy, overwhelmed with the beauty of the world. 

Jonghyun’s grandmother’s house was surrounded by a sturdy stone wall with a heavy wooden gate at the entryway, and tall trees shaded the entrance so that Jinki couldn’t see what was beyond the gate until he was walking through it. It felt secretive somehow, like he was in a fantasy land from one of his books, unknowingly entering an enchanted house full of mystery. 

Jonghyun’s grandma was a short woman with muscular arms and the weathered, determined skin of an old haenyeo. For lunch they ate fresh abalone and mackerel that she had caught early in the morning, and Jinki let himself be led on a tour by Jonghyun’s energetic arm pulling on his own.

When it came time for them to change before heading to the beach, Jonghyun almost led Jinki into the bathroom with him, chattering away so much about how he was afraid of getting a sunburn that it distracted him from where he was going.

Jinki’s footsteps hesitated before the bathroom door and he swore he saw Jonghyun’s cheeks tinged pink when he realized why.

“Ah, sorry,” he mumbled, looking at the place where his fingers gripped Jinki’s wrist. “Of course you don’t need to come in with me.”

Jinki’s felt something in his throat constrict when Jonghyun let go of him and turned sheepishly to walk into the bathroom. He noticed that he was holding his swimsuit so tightly in his fist that his knuckles were white.

“I-it’s okay,” Jinki stumbled over his words as he tried to reassure him and end the awkwardness before Jonghyun shut the door. 

Jonghyun frowned as he looked at his feet and Jinki wondered if he’d managed to say the wrong thing. They heard someone laugh from the kitchen and it seemed awkward in their sudden silence.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes,” Jonghyun replied, still not meeting Jinki’s eyes.

He shut the door with a soft click and Jinki was left staring at the light blue color of the indoor slippers on his feet that he suddenly realized matched his new swim trunks; the same trunks that matched the sea and that Jonghyun told him suited him the best.

  


  
\---

  


Jonghyun’s old bedroom was tucked away at the back of the house. It had huge windows that opened up to a view of the rolling water and the jagged black rocks lining its edge. The wind blew back one of the sheer white curtains as Jinki walked in. A faded world map was peeling off the wall opposite Jonghyun’s bed, the sun having bleached its color years ago. 

“I haven’t been there since before elementary school,” Jonghyun had explained of Jeju when they were at the mall back in Seoul. He snorted when he caught his reflection in the store mirror. “I wonder what grandma will think of the hair.” 

When they’d pulled up to her house that morning she had hugged Jonghyun so tightly it had made Jinki miss his own grandmother with a soft ache.

She’d looked over Jonghyun with a wry smile, and her eyes twinkled with a deep wisdom—an approval and understanding that needed no explanation. 

The old bedroom was a space once lively with unbothered youth that had gone soft at its edges and lonely with time. It had none of the color of Jonghyun’s personality like his teenage one that Jinki knew so well.

Instead it held the faint memories of Jonghyun’s short stay with his grandparents as a child, when his identity was shaped by little of his own choosing.

Thinking of Jonghyun at that age seemed silly to Jinki. Even from the moment they met in middle school Jonghyun had seemed fully formed, already self aware and sure of himself. 

The little _yo_ was barely big enough for the two of them, and Jonghyun’s grandmother had already rolled it out and laid down some clean sheets. Jinki heard the faucet in the bathroom down the hall turn off as Jonghyun finished brushing his teeth. 

The night air was beginning to cool the island down, even if the heat on Jinki’s skin didn’t seem to dissipate. 

Jonghyun had gone shirtless while swimming earlier, and Jinki had watched the way the sunlight loved his skin as he splashed in the clear water. Jinki’s own swim trunks had felt uncomfortably tight. He’d tried to casually place his hands in his lap while he sat on a nearby rock and pretended not to panic. 

He wasn’t unfamiliar with the feeling but as the ocean sprayed around him and the clear blue of the sky opened up above like the waves’ reflection, Jinki was forced to accept that it wasn’t because of Sodam in her peach colored swimsuit, or the presence of Jonghyun’s pretty older cousins, but because of Jonghyun himself. 

A wave of nausea came over him, and he blamed it on seasickness. 

In the cocoon of the bedroom, Jonghyun wore only a tank top and shorts as he laid on top of the sheets and looked out the window. 

“The stars are so clear here,” he said, quiet and thoughtful. “So different from Seoul. It’s like we’re in another country.” 

Jinki caught Jonghyun’s gaze when he looked back, and sweat prickled along his forehead. “Like another world,” Jinki agreed. 

Jonghyun seemed closer than he needed to be, but Jinki knew the yo was too small and his brain was too clouded with twirling feelings that were confusing and scary and hard to name. 

“Sometimes I just want to move here and become a farmer,” Jonghyun blurted out, and Jinki laughed, the smallest measure of tension releasing from his shoulders.

“I can’t imagine dropping out of high school,” Jinki said, picking at some loose fabric on the bed sheet. The setting sun cast shadows on Jonghyun’s skin. 

“I mean after high school, anyway.” Jonghyun muttered, flopping back on the pillows and looking at the ceiling. “Damn this competitive society.” 

Jinki frowned, picturing Jonghyun in a straw hat and traditional white farming clothes, suntanned skin contrasting the bright white as he tended to his tangerine trees. It suited him in a peculiar way. 

“Maybe you could become a haenyeo,” Jinki teased. “Something tells me your grandmother would let you.”

Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of warmth. “Stuck with those gossiping old ladies all day long,” he said, recalling earlier in the day when his grandma’s friends had cooed over the two of them, asking about college plans and girlfriends until Jonghyun had blushed bright red and failed to hide his scowl. 

The sun dipped low below the horizon, and Jonghyun’s eyes became a twinkling light in the dark as the two of them settled more into the bedding, tugging only a thin sheet over their bodies as the tropical night set in.

The world seemed different in such darkness. Jinki’s hands felt more free, his mind looser. Jonghyun’s hair curled around his head like a crown. 

Their feet touched under the sheet as they adjusted, and Jinki felt his pulse quicken. He had an urge to reach out, like it wouldn’t be off limits to touch their palms together, to shift closer until the space between them ceased to exist. Jinki drew in a breath and turned around to face the other way. His back burned as if he could feel Jonghyun’s eyes on him.

“I hate when adults ask about dating,” Jonghyun suddenly said, following up his point from just moments ago, though it seemed like forever in the inky darkness. “I barely have time for band practice, let alone to take some girl out to the movies or whatever.”

Jinki nodded in agreement, feeling tension knotting his spine. “They should try to go back to high school and see what it’s like,” he offered.

Jonghyun snorted out a laugh. “Yeah, no kidding,” he said, but his voice sounded off, like he wanted to say more.

Another beat of silence stretched on, and Jinki could feel the point of Jonghyun’s eyes on him like a needle. The stickiness of the island’s humidity lay heavy on his tongue as he wondered if he should tell Jonghyun goodnight.

“Goodnight, Jinki,” Jonghyun said it instead, cutting into the awkwardness and making Jinki squeeze his eyes shut at how nice it sounded. 

“Goodnight, Jonghyun,” he replied, and felt his own voice lacked something that Jonghyun’s didn’t.

He closed his eyes and willed his dreams to go somewhere safe and far from the memory of bare skin dripping with salty sea water. 

  


  
\---

  


Sunlight blinded Jinki as it poured in through the open window, cascading planes of light across his body and Jonghyun’s. Dazed by the light of the early morning, Jinki rubbed his eyes, vision blurring at first and making the outline of Jonghyun’s face pressed close to his look fuzzy and out of focus. 

The night had brought their bodies together, so close that Jinki could feel a small puff of Jonghyun’s breath on his nose as he lay asleep. He realized that their legs were intertwined, with both of Jinki’s wrapped around one of Jonghyun’s, like two snakes coiled. Their hips pressed firmly together, and Jinki knew that just before he’d woken up his arms must have been draped around Jonghyun’s shoulders and neck. 

Jinki gasped as quietly as he could. Jonghyun’s eyebrow twitched but he stayed asleep. He smelled like sweat and hot night air, and Jinki guessed his own raging hormones were mingled up in the mixture too. The room suddenly felt like a tight box, consumed with the heat of their teenage boy smells; sharp and strong and naive. 

Jinki unwound his legs from Jonghyun, and pulled away until he was about to fall off the other side of the bed. It was just as he feared, his shorts were tented at the crotch and a wet stain had colored one spot a deep maroon rather than the usual tomato red. He instinctively covered his eyes in shame. 

Jonghyun mumbled something in his sleep and shifted, body tilting closer to Jinki. His shorts were rumpled and tight at the front too, and Jinki felt a wave of guilt overcome him alongside the zing of heat in his belly. 

He slipped off the bed quietly and padded down the hall to the bathroom. In the mirror he evaluated himself. His eyes looked wild and his cheeks were too red. He was feeling the opposite of everything he had known to be true.

All the clumsy hormones and burgeoning sex drive of his teen years was right where it should be and roaring loud, but it was fixated on the wrong object of affection, like Jinki had the flu and his fever was jumbling his brain up and making it impossible to think clearly.

He got dressed quietly in the corner of Jonghyun’s room, trying to stop stealing glances at his peaceful sleeping face. 

For breakfast, Jonghyun’s grandmother served abalone rice porridge, and Jonghyun’s eyes were soft as he scooped spoonfuls into his mouth.

“Jonghyun-ah,” his grandmother’s warm, low voice came from across the table. “You remember how I used to make this for you every morning?”

Jonghyun’s face was drowsy from sleep, with his unruly hair tangled in a flurry of knots. To his grandma he must’ve looked like a stranger she had only once knew, sitting there reenacting a scene from his childhood. 

“Jonghyun was such a sickly child. He fell ill easily,” she remarked, tilting her head towards him as she did with a smile spreading across her face. “You’re so grown up now.” 

Jonghyun blushed furiously and looked down at his bowl. Jinki stirred his spoon around in thought, imagining Jonghyun running around the house on his small toddler legs, but being unable to play as long as the other children his age because of a persistent cold that left him exhausted.

He imagined him curled up on the bed mat they had shared, his grandmother’s kind eyes as she patted his head and spooned the warm porridge into his mouth.

Jinki wondered if he ate enough rice porridge, if it would cure his sickness too. 

  


  
\---

  


At Jeongbang Waterfall, Jinki watched from afar as Jonghyun sat on a rock formation shaded by a shroud of trees, scribbling words in a hardcover notebook. He’d bought it at a souvenir shop on their way to the falls, and it had a drawing on its cover of a cartoon dog wearing a tangerine shaped hat.

Jonghyun’s grandmother was diving deep into the sea and selling her catches to the people milling about. Jinki kicked a pile of small rocks into the spray beneath the waterfall. He couldn’t tell if Jonghyun was ignoring him or not.

At lunch he had picked at his food and only ate small bites when his grandma looked. He hadn’t been making his usual fast-paced, impossible to keep up with type of conversation. He looked preoccupied, a knee jiggling in the seat next to Jinki as his eyes wandered to the ocean in the distance.

When they had arrived at the falls, he’d rushed over to his spot beneath the trees without consulting Jinki, and now Jinki was alone on a rock trying not to make awkward eye contact with groups of tourists. 

The sun set high in the sky, beating down on Jinki’s neck and making him squint when he tried to look up at the tall height of the waterfall. He decided to buy two little bottles of orange juice, needing the refreshment and wanting to use them as an entryway into a conversation with Jonghyun.

Jonghyun’s long hair kept falling in front of his eyes as he looked down at the notebook in his lap. He pushed it away with a grumpy look on his face, clearly annoyed by its intrusion.

His black tank top was a familiar sight to Jinki, but seeing him in it now felt dirty, like he wasn’t allowed to look anymore. He pushed the thoughts from this morning out of his mind as he approached Jonghyun.

“You should tie your hair back, then it wouldn’t get in the way,” Jinki offered as a greeting after seeing Jonghyun struggling with a wayward piece once again. He looked up with a confused squint, the sun backlighting Jinki’s body.

“Mom thinks I should just cut it,” Jonghyun grumbled, pouting down at his notebook paper. 

Jinki held out one of the orange juice bottles. “It looks really cool, though,” Jinki said. “It’s unique.”

Jonghyun accepted the bottle, and Jinki thought it felt like a peace offering. 

“I guess so,” Jonghyun shrugged in response. He twisted off the cap and took two long gulps. Jinki looked out across the ocean so he wouldn’t be drawn to the stretch of Jonghyun’s neck. 

To distract himself, Jinki gestured to Jonghyun’s notebook. “What are you writing?”

Jonghyun frowned, as if he felt put off by the question, but Jinki pressed on. He knew if this awkwardness between them was because of anything, it had to be because of him. He was determined to move past it as much as possible for both of their sakes.

“Just some lyrics, I don’t know,” Jonghyun mumbled. “Trying to write a song that the band can play. We can’t just keep doing covers.”

Jinki nodded in understanding. The dejected slump of Jonghyun’s shoulders told Jinki the process wasn’t going too well. He sat down on the rock next to him, making sure not to let his body drift too close. 

“I think I have writer’s block,” Jonghyun admitted with a sigh. He crossed his arms on top of his knees and hung his head. Jinki shifted next to him.

He wanted to reach out; to touch Jonghyun’s shoulder in some gesture of comfort like he’d done before when Jonghyun had been in any of his various moods. 

“I keep trying, but the words won’t flow naturally,” he continued, picking his head up and resting his chin on his arms. He looked out towards the sea, towards the waves that rocked against the uneven shore.

“Well, it’s better not to force it, right?” Jinki said, trying to encourage Jonghyun without prying too much. He followed his line of sight to where Jonghyun’s grandma was taking a break from diving by sitting on a rock drinking water. He suddenly had an idea. 

“Hey, let’s ask if we can go to that sheep farm later,” Jinki said, nudging Jonghyun with his shoulder. “You said you wanted to be a farmer.”

Jonghyun laughed and shook his head in disbelief. “Your mind is so random. What does that have to do with anything?”

Jinki grinned, with a cheeky response planned. “You can be inspired to write about the simple, hard-working life of an island farmer. That would be something different.”

Jonghyun’s shoulders shook with laughter at that, and his previously troubled face turned into one with a bright smile. Jinki couldn’t help but start laughing too.

A refreshing breeze blew past them and it ruffled Jonghyun’s long hair across his face, getting some pieces stuck on his lips. He giggled as he spit the strands out of his mouth.

“You’re really too much, you know that,” Jonghyun said, but he was still smiling and it made Jinki’s heart pound. He steadfastly ignored it. “Also, if I get chased by a sheep or something, it’s your fault.”

On the way to the farm, Jonghyun’s usual excitable glee came back. He practically bounced in his seat as he talked about the prospect of feeding and petting the sheep. Jonghyun’s grandma’s smile reached the crinkles of her eyes, and Jinki realized how closely they resembled Jonghyun’s.

Once they arrived, they trekked out across the green pasture with metal buckets of food pellets and carrots. Jonghyun was delighted as soon as the sheep walked up to him, and he held out his hand with a pile of food in it. 

“Kids, come here, it’s lunch time,” he said, coaxing the fluffy animals towards him and bursting into pleased laughter when they fed directly from his hand. “Ah, their tongues feel weird!”

Jinki approached the sheep with more caution, suddenly surrounded by their hungry, demanding faces nudging against his bucket. He couldn’t seem to feed them all fast enough as each sheep that Jonghyun fed came to Jinki for seconds, quickly swarming him and bleating impatiently.

Jonghyun’s grandma tried to help by distracting some of the sheep with her own bucket of food. Jonghyun laughed hysterically at the whole spectacle. 

“You’re a real natural, Lee Jinki,” he teased. “Maybe you should be the farmer instead of me.”

Jinki wiped a hand across his forehead, sweat already collecting under his bangs from the exertion of trying to out maneuver the clever animals. “I’d rather be the president of Korea over this,” he deadpanned. 

“Well, I’d vote for you,” Jonghyun played along, tossing another handle of pellets towards a duo of oncoming sheep. “A president who comes from a humble farm background. That’s the kind of leadership we need. Forget the internship at Hyundai.”

Jinki laughed, but his amusement was quickly deterred by a sheep’s nose nudging his butt impatiently. He jumped in surprise, almost knocking Jonghyun over in the hurried process. The sheep just continued to pursue him, bumping its furry head into him and causing Jinki to take off in a jog across the pasture in order to evade it.

The sheep followed, not giving up on its dream of a third helping of carrots, and Jinki found himself running faster than he ever had in gym class. He heard Jonghyun’s howling laughter echoing the cry of the sheep, and he eventually abandoned his metal bucket to let the food fall out and spread across the ground. 

As he jogged back, steering clear of all hungry sheep, he saw Jonghyun sitting on the ground bent over and clutching his belly in hysterical laughter. “Oh my god, that was priceless. Literally priceless,” he said in between his wheezes.

Jinki gave a frustrated huff and felt his cheeks turn red, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that Jonghyun’s laugh made him feel warm for all kinds of reasons. 

Jonghyun couldn’t stop talking about the incident on the ride back to his grandma’s, and once there he retold the story to his mom and Sodam with successful levels of overdramatization. Jinki decided not to dispute a word of it. 

  


  
\---

  


For their last evening on the island, the whole family went for dinner at a seafood restaurant that overlooked the beach. Jinki noticed that Jonghyun had borrowed one of Sodam’s headbands to pull his hair away from his eyes. Jinki’s heart fluttered without his permission.

The sky was open and clear, with twinkling stars that began to blink spots of light into the darkness. A warm breeze blew across Jinki’s forearms, bare in his t-shirt. The sticky humidity was less present than it had been for the past few days, so he felt comfortable and content.

Jonghyun was buying them ice cream at a small stand by the dock, and Jinki swung his feet off the edge, staring into the depths of the water below.

As Jonghyun walked over and handed Jinki his cup of green tea ice cream, the moon started to peek out of the night sky, so bright and big that it illuminated the entire beach. The waves of the water seemed to ripple at its appearance, as if alive and responding to the moon’s gentle nurturing. Jonghyun plopped down next to Jinki and followed his gaze up to the sky, up to the moon.

“Grandma always told me the moon was the best friend of the ocean,” he said, voice quiet to match the calm mood of the evening. “I guess she’s right since it controls the tides and all that. I was just a kid, I wouldn’t have understood it yet.”

Jinki nodded, still looking up. It was always difficult to see the moon in the city, with buildings tall enough to reach it and shade it from view. Seeing it completely unobstructed felt magical. 

As they sat in silence eating their dessert, the soft sound of a crooning voice accompanied by the strumming of a guitar floated by them on the wind.

They turned around to see a couple of musicians set up along the sidewalk next to the beach. A drummer and a singer with a guitar were performing a pleasant, folky song in Jeju dialect. Jonghyun’s eyes lit up when he noticed them. 

“Ah, busking! That’s really so cool…” he jumped up from his spot and tugged Jinki’s arm. “Let’s go watch closer, and don’t drop your ice cream.”

Jinki struggled to get up as fast as Jonghyun did, but followed his lead down the sidewalk. Jonghyun smiled shyly when he approached the musicians, and stood back a respectable distance. They were the only people watching up close, with most of the listeners being casual groups of customers at the nearby tables dining out for the evening. 

Jonghyun had forgotten all about his ice cream by the end of the song, and it was starting to melt into a puddle in his cup.

He was about to clap excitedly, before noticing he was still holding it. He frantically tossed the cup on the ground so his hands would be free for applause. The singer smiled and bowed politely in thanks. 

Before leaving, Jonghyun slipped two 1,000 won bills into the hat at the singer’s feet. Jinki knew it was the last of his pocket change that his mom had given him for the trip. He rambled about the music as they two of them walked down the road to meet back up with Jonghyun’s family. 

“His voice sounded so different than most singers they play on the radio and TV,” Jonghyun mused, barely waiting for Jinki to get a word in before saying something else. “That’s the perfect job, just playing music whenever you want.”

“It wouldn’t pay much money though,” Jinki observed, thinking about how the hat Jonghyun had donated to mostly consisted of loose change rather than paper bills.

“Well, it’s important to do something you love,” Jonghyun reasoned, looking back behind his shoulder at the duo again. “I’d rather be happy than rich.”

Jinki shrugged. He didn’t know what he thought about that. He’d always been told that the key to a successful life came from working hard in school and finding a stable job that paid well enough to live comfortably. He tried to imagine what the busking musicians could even buy with their daily earnings. 

“I’d like to be happy and rich,” he concluded with a grin. Jonghyun laughed. 

“That would certainly be nice, too,” he said. His voice sounded off, as if he didn’t believe that was truly possible, but he wanted Jinki to think differently. Jinki couldn’t shrug off the weird feeling he got from that implication. 

“Hey, I’ll race you back to the car,” Jinki suggested to lighten the mood. Jonghyun rolled his eyes. 

“Are we in middle school again?” he teased, but there was a glint of excitement in his eyes, unable to resist the temptation of a good-natured competition. 

Jinki smiled and got into position. “Ready, 1, 2—” 

Before he could finish his countdown, Jonghyun shot off in front of him, sandals smacking the pavement with loud thwacks. 

“Hey! That’s cheating!” Jinki called after him, sprinting to catch up. 

He felt breathless as he chased him down, the sharpness of the wind in his lungs and the giddiness of everything blooming inside him swelled as he playfully slammed into Jonghyun’s back at the car.

Jonghyun smelled like seawater and sunscreen, and Jinki’s pulse thrummed in his wrist and his neck as the euphoria washed over him like a raging ocean wave. 

Laying in bed that night, Jinki tried to calm his unsettled nerves by listening to the sounds of the night as they filtered in through the open window. 

Jonghyun hummed as he walked into the bedroom, swinging his arms casually and flopping down on top of the bedsheet. He stretched his arms behind his head and looked at Jinki who was laying stiff and flat as a board, keeping a substantial distance between them. 

“It’s too damn hot in here,” Jonghyun complained. He shifted around as he tried to settle into different positions, and finally decided to lie on his side facing Jinki. “How are you even comfortable right now?”

Jinki didn’t know what to say. He had his blanket pulled up to his chest and folded neatly on each side of his body. He didn’t want to take any chance of getting tangled up with Jonghyun again and making a fool of himself. A moment of silence passed with Jonghyun staring at Jinki and Jinki staring at the ceiling.

“You’re cool if I take off my shirt, right?” Jonghyun suddenly asked. Panic rose in Jinki’s throat, but he couldn’t say no without making it awkward. He nodded carefully in response.

He heard Jonghyun pulling his t-shirt over his chest, the way the fabric rustled on his skin. He listened to him toss it over the edge of the bed, and fall on the floor with a soft, barely audible plop. Jinki kept his eyes on the ceiling, studying every edge of the blank white space. The sound of Jonghyun’s breath was deafening in his ears.

He would’ve fallen asleep like that, body tense and eyes trained to go anywhere else but to the left, even though he could feel Jonghyun staring at him.

He knew he looked awkward laying so far away and so tightly wound up in his blanket while Jonghyun was half naked on top of the thin sheet. Jinki steadied himself and took a long breath. He let his eyes wander to where they desperately wanted to go. 

They looked at each other for a moment, and Jinki let the mysterious nighttime feeling sink into his bones. He scooted onto his side, pretending not to study the rounded curve of Jonghyun’s shoulder or the way it dipped down into his collarbones. The humidity that hadn’t hung over the island earlier in the evening started seeping into Jinki’s skin. 

“You really are my best friend,” Jonghyun suddenly said. “I meant that when I said it.”

Jinki nodded slowly, his eyes flicking down to the space where Jonghyun’s elbow barely covered one of his nipples. “Yeah, you’re my best friend too,” Jinki said, and his own voice sounded like a far off echo. Jonghyun smiled, the kind that made his eyes crinkle just like his grandma’s.

Jonghyun reached up to the ceiling to stretch his arm out, and Jinki caught an unobstructed view of his bare chest. He saw how his nipples were a deeper color than his skin, and how even in the heat they were hardened into small points. Jinki suddenly wondered about his own. 

As Jonghyun brought his arm back down to tuck his hand underneath his head, Jinki pretended to yawn. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was the flash of Jonghyun’s dark armpit hair and how it grew more sparsely than his own. All he could see was the small circle of Jonghyun’s belly button and the softness of the skin surrounding it.

“Goodnight,” Jonghyun whispered it into the dark. 

“Night,” Jinki said back, trying to push away the worries of what his subconscious mind would conjure up in the hours between now and the reality of the morning.

  


  
\---

  


The harsh sunlight streaming in through the windows disoriented Jinki as he blinked his eyes open, and the sleepy groan that reverberated in his ear made him wince in discomfort.

Squinting, he opened his eyes to see Jonghyun’s face pressed into the mattress just centimeters from his own. Jonghyun grumbled, still mostly asleep, and his nose twitched as if trying to shoo away an imaginary fly that had landed there.

Jinki’s pulse quickened as he surveyed the rest of the scene. Jonghyun’s legs were wrapped around his hips, with his groin pressed into Jinki’s side and his arms curled around his neck. He gulped, realizing his position—he was laying completely flat on his back, and Jonghyun’s loose shorts weren’t able to hide the hardness poking into his waist. 

Jinki tried to surreptitiously maneuver himself out of the hold Jonghyun had on his neck, but even a small amount of movement made his eyebrows furrow and a quiet whine escape his lips. He began to panic, the drag of sleep behind his eyes rapidly clearing. It didn’t help at all that Jonghyun smelled so strongly of sweat and unmistakable arousal that Jinki’s head swam with dizziness.

He heard the bustle of Jonghyun’s mom and sister waking up in the next room, and the chittering of birds outside drifted in through the window as sweat crept down Jinki’s back. Jonghyun stirred again. Jinki squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to keep trying to move away.

He managed to pull one leg out from the grip Jonghyun had on them, and attempted to shimmy out from under Jonghyun’s arms when he heard a groan that sounded more awake than asleep. He froze. Jonghyun’s eyelids fluttered open.

Their gazes locked in fearful confusion. 

Jonghyun pulled his arms away in a daze, as if he had just been informed of their existence. He squinted down the length of his body, seeing the sheen of sweat across his chest and the way his groin was flush with Jinki’s rucked up t-shirt.

He unhooked his legs from Jinki’s and backed away, still moving slow like his brain was struggling to process anything. Jinki held his breath in anticipation.

Jonghyun didn’t meet his eyes. Instead he curled in on himself and looked at the pillow for a moment. Jinki didn’t move a muscle as he lay there, giving Jonghyun his privacy by staring at the ceiling, a ceiling he figured he would never forget the color of; that innocuous shade of blue-white.

Sodam’s laughter travelled through the hallway, but the little bedroom that once belonged to a child who loved swimming and eating his grandmother’s cooking was as quiet as the vacuum of space. Jinki blinked.

“Forgive me,” Jonghyun said in a small voice. He sounded so serious and mature, yet terrified.

“It’s fine,” Jinki said, his voice feeling rough and awkward. “It happens.”

“Right,” Jonghyun replied quickly. Jinki stared at the ceiling. 

“I’ll just go to the bathroom,” Jinki said, then winced at how that might have sounded in context. “To wash up and get dressed. Since we’re leaving today.”

“Okay,” Jonghyun replied, still quiet. “Sounds good.”

Jinki heard a weak smile in the tone of Jonghyun’s voice, but he didn’t look at him. He slipped off the bed and walked to the door, stopping in the doorframe for just a second.

“We’ll just forget this ever happened, okay?” Jinki offered, feeling shame curling in his gut, guilt at how torn up Jonghyun was. 

“Sure,” Jonghyun said. “I mean, of course. Of course we will.”

Jinki nodded and opened the door, something inside him roaring to turn around and look at Jonghyun, to tell him about his own feelings and how they were eating him up and making him feel like a swirling mess.

Logically, he reasoned that Jonghyun was embarrassed beyond belief and that feelings had nothing to do with it; that hormones were powerful and unforgiving. Jinki tried to convince himself of that as he shut the door walked to the bathroom.

The rest of the morning was spent with Jonghyun avoiding Jinki’s eyes and the two of them carefully maneuvering themselves around each other as they ate breakfast and packed up their luggage.

Jonghyun was quiet and withdrawn for the most part, but when he laughed at a joke Sodam made it felt a little bit like relief.

Jonghyun’s grandmother squeezed everyone in tight goodbye hugs, including Jinki. She patted his head softly and looked at him with solemn eyes. Jinki suddenly feared that she knew something about what had happened between him and Jonghyun, even though her bedroom was at the opposite end of the house. 

“He’s so lucky to have a friend like you,” she said with a warm smile. Jinki nodded and gave a respectful bow, mumbling out quiet words of gratitude. 

On the plane ride back, Jonghyun shared some candy his grandma had given him with Jinki, and their knees kept wanting to touch in the confined space. Jinki made sure his fingers didn’t brush Jonghyun’s when he took the candy from his hand. He gave an experimental smile, and Jonghyun returned it. 

Though the ride was short, Jonghyun ended up falling asleep. His head lolled to the side and landed on Jinki’s shoulder, long hair tickling Jinki’s skin. He noticed that Jonghyun had yet again pulled his hair back like he’d suggested. Jonghyun’s cheek was warm and his eyelashes looked soft as the little fans in the panel above their head blew a light stream of air across them in a gentle flutter.

He felt a twinge of selfishness, knowing that having Jonghyun’s face so close to his brought him a delight and warmth that it didn’t bring Jonghyun. He pushed past it as much as he could, saving the thought for a time when he was alone. 

When they landed in Gimpo, Jonghyun was groggy and soft as he woke up. He shook his head to clear out the feeling of sleep, smiled at Jinki, looking refreshed and content.

There was no mention of how close the two of them had just been; no measure of awkwardness between them—just the easy companionship they had always shared. Jinki returned the smile.

As the exited the airport and headed to the parking lot, a mischievous smirk spread across Jonghyun’s face. 

“Race you to the car?” he offered. 

Jinki beamed. 

  


  
\---

  


As the new semester creeped around the corner and threatened to disrupt the lazy days of summer, course consultations for their last year of high school began.

Jinki’s arrived the day before the start of the semester and he sat in front of the homeroom teacher swinging his feet in the uncomfortable plastic chair.

He’d been a diligent student since the first day of his high school career, but he had been thinking even more seriously about how important it was to secure a job that provided him with a way to live without much financial burden.

A few days after returning from Jeju, Jinki had experienced a revelation in Jonghyun’s living room.

Sodam had been watching a Shinhwa performance that she had taped from their last promotion cycle. She was gushing to him and Jonghyun about how handsome they were, shaking Jonghyun’s shoulder enthusiastically when her favorite part of the song came on. Jonghyun had rolled his eyes and grumbled, too preoccupied with the handheld video game he’d recently purchased. 

Jinki had sat, glued to his seat, entranced and unable to take his eyes off of Eric. 

That night he’d panicked as he tried to sleep, understanding fully washing over him as he realized that his attraction to Jonghyun wasn’t an isolated event, and what that implied.

While he immediately resigned to never telling anyone about it, he figured that planning for the worst was the smartest thing he could do.

If he at least secured success in his professional life, it would be a safeguard against the threat of being cut off from his family if his secret ever came out.

Even entertaining the idea of telling his parents made him want to hurl, so he pushed away the thoughts and used his studies as a distraction.

As the late summer heat bore down on Jinki’s back through the classroom window, the homeroom teacher suggested he look into architecture and design, and handed him a pamphlet for Hongik University.

Jinki had always been good at technical things that required careful analysis and planning—like math or small engineering projects—but he also had a creative imagination and sensitive eye for details that the teacher told him would suit the program well.

On the bus ride home, Jinki flipped through the pamphlet and seriously considered the prospect.

Jonghyun’s course consultation occurred during the first week of the semester, and Jinki knew all he needed to know about how it went when Jonghyun showed up to self study and slammed his math book down on the desk, making a couple students jump and grumble irritably in response. 

“He told me I won’t get a good score on the college entrance exam based on my current grades,” Jonghyun said on the bus ride home.

He had unbuttoned his uniform, and his white undershirt stretched tight across his chest. “I mean, how is it even fair to say that. I could study my ass off a week before and ace that damn exam, he doesn’t know. It isn’t for an entire year.”

Jinki bit his lip. Personally he’d been studying an extra hour every night in preparation for the test, and he knew Jonghyun knew how important it was just as much as he did. “He’s just trying to help.”

“I don’t want that bastard’s help anyway,” Jonghyun complained. “He probably would’ve banned me from the school festival if you weren’t my best friend.”

Jinki shifted in his seat hearing the phrase again. The last time he’d heard Jonghyun use it, it had been in the hot darkness of a bedroom that Jinki tried not to think about.

“That’s not true,” he said quietly. 

Jonghyun didn’t say anything in reply. He just huffed and glared out the bus window until they reached the bus stop. He was too distracted by his anger that he didn’t even bother to tell Jinki goodnight as he walked down the street.

Jinki was left clutching the strap of his backpack in a tight fist, more frustrated about Jonghyun’s behavior than he needed to be. 

Before going to bed, Jinki sat at his desk and opened a book about modern architecture that he’d checked out from the library the day before. He diligently copied important points down on a piece of notebook paper, and pinned it up to the corkboard above his computer. He traced a finger down the thick spine of the book and smiled. 

  


  
\---

  


A week before winter exams, the pipes in the floor of Jonghyun’s house stopped working. Jinki’s mom offered their home up to everyone in his family, reassuring Jonghyun’s mother that it was the least she could do considering they had taken such good care of Jinki over the summer.

Jonghyun was moody when he arrived, but the warmth of the floor on his toes made him loosen up as the evening wore on.

Jinki studied at his desk, and Jonghyun laid on the ground while he played his video game. The silence between them was not unlike the kind that had defined much of their previous summer rituals, only with the icy cold of the winter blowing snowflakes outside the window rather than the heat of summer baking their skin. 

Jinki studied until his eyes started to slip closed with exhaustion, and soon he and Jonghyun were both ready for bed. Jinki fidgeted as they stood over his _yo_. It was bigger than the one at Jonghyun’s grandmother’s house, but his palms were sweating thinking about sleeping next to Jonghyun again. 

“Do you—” Jinki started. “I mean, we probably have an extra one you can use. If you want.”

Jonghyun shrugged his shoulders. “I’m fine with sharing.”

Jinki let go of the breath he’d been holding. He wondered if Jonghyun even remembered what had transpired between them in Jeju, but he supposed he was the one who had suggested they not bring it up again.

A part of him was thrumming with giddiness as he pulled back the comforter and Jonghyun followed suit. He instantly felt the warmth of Jonghyun’s body heat engulfing him from all sides. In the winter chill, being next to another person made the room even cozier.

“I don’t like my bed,” Jonghyun commented with a huff. “Mom bought it when I started high school so I could have something nice, but look where that got us. Can’t even sleep on the floor now if I wanted to, or I’d freeze.”

Jinki laughed. “It will be fixed soon, anyway,” he reassured him.

It was late; almost one am, and Jinki felt a small thrill up his spine as the feeling of being so physically close to Jonghyun again resonated with him. “But you can sleep over anytime you want.”

Jonghyun smiled, and his teeth shone in the darkness. “Alright, just make sure you give me clean sheets. I don’t want the same ones you watched porn on.”

Jinki felt his face burn fire red. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he sputtered out, suddenly flustered even when he’d never dared to look up anything incriminating.

“I’m just kidding, Jinki,” Jonghyun replied, his shoulders shaking with laughter. “Although your nervousness does suggest guilt.” 

Jinki tried to laugh along, but his pulse wouldn’t calm down to a normal pace again. “You’re disgusting, really,” he mumbled, refusing to meet Jonghyun’s eyes.

Even if he knew he was just joking, Jinki still felt like he had somehow been exposed by the conversation. He picked at a fuzz on his pillowcase. 

A moment of silence passed, and then Jonghyun cleared his throat. “Don’t tell me you’ve never looked for it though.”

Jinki glanced at Jonghyun carefully. He couldn’t tell if he was still playing with him or if he had turned serious. Jinki shrugged his shoulders. “No, I haven’t. I’m not interested,” he said quietly, flicking his eyes back down to the pillowcase. 

Jonghyun didn’t seem to notice Jinki’s insecurity, or if he did he was choosing to ignore it. He flopped onto his back and looked up at the ceiling.

“Well, if you ever want some just talk to Youngbae. Pretty sure his dad has a whole collection of old movies.” Jonghyun laughed, amused. “Now, he’s the disgusting one. Don’t even get me started.”

Jinki tried to laugh, but suddenly his mind was filled with the image of Jonghyun and Youngbae whispering conspiratorially about the types of girls they liked. He felt his stomach churn in jealousy.

As they laid there in the dark, as Jonghyun’s eyes slipped closed and his body relaxed into the rhythm of sleep, Jinki’s mind strayed to a place he had been forbidding himself to go.

He let himself think about Jonghyun in his bedroom alone, sweat glistening on his chest and temples as he touched himself. Jinki flushed hot all over, and he quickly turned to face the blankness of his bedroom wall, forcing himself to let the fantasy shatter and fall away.

  


  
\---

  


Jonghyun seemed to become even more restless as winter break ended and the new school year bloomed with the spring season. Jinki spent the evenings studying math and English until he thought he was going to collapse, even taking his dinner alone in his room so he could keep working while he ate. 

Jonghyun’s heating had been fixed for months, but the coming of spring’s mild nights brought him back into Jinki’s bedroom like he’d never left it.

His feet made little sound on the patio outside Jinki’s window, and his fingers tapped light knocks to announce his entrance. He always showed up with some kind of treat; a bottle of juice or a triangle kimbap that he picked up on the way. 

Jinki came to expect it once a week, at least; that melodic tapping followed by the swing of Jonghyun’s hair and the shimmer of his eyes as he climbed through the window and began rambling about how the convenience store clerk had called him a punk again.

“He’s worse than my own mother, telling me I should cut my hair,” Jonghyun whined as he opened a bag of chips and laid down on Jinki’s already made bedding. He had started wearing his own bright red headband instead of borrowing Sodam’s.

“He should be lucky to have my business. I go there more than anyone in the neighborhood.”

Jinki laughed in agreement. Initially, he had thought Jonghyun’s presence would disrupt his studying, but after the pattern of his sneaking in became more regular, the hum of Jonghyun’s voice provided a soothing melody that kept Jinki focused and calm.

Sometimes, on the nights when Jonghyun didn’t come over, Jinki found that his concentration began to slip earlier than usual, his eyes drooping low as they stopped comprehending the words in his textbook.

Jonghyun almost never studied. He usually talked for half an hour or so, and then the sound of his pen scratching notebook paper, or the quiet beeping of his handheld video game punctuated the silence around them. 

The first night he’d come over, Jinki had stumbled over his words around midnight when he’d tried to casually mention that he was ready for bed.

Jonghyun had looked up from his cross-legged position on the floor with an almost imperceptible face, as if he was waiting for Jinki’s permission; waiting for the invitation that felt inevitable. 

Jinki had just nodded and taken his bedding out of the closet, making sure to grab two pillows. 

As Jonghyun’s visits became more frequent, Jinki started laying the bedding out on the floor as soon as he came home every evening, always expectant.

The practice started to feel hopeful, so much so that on the nights Jonghyun never arrived, Jinki felt embarrassed for preparing the little area so early.

The two of them had never stayed at each other’s houses in middle school. Somehow, back then it had felt too childish. It had felt like the kind of thing only elementary schoolers were supposed to do. Now that they were both almost adults, it should’ve felt even sillier, but Jinki began to look forward to every surprise visit. 

Tonight, Jonghyun was flipping through one of Jinki’s architecture books lazily. Jinki tried to concentrate on his history reading, but he felt increasingly self-conscious with each flick of a page that rang out loudly in the quiet room.

“Most diligent student Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun started, pulling Jinki out of his studying headspace.

He heard Jonghyun shift the book in his hands. “You’re really gonna build something like this one day?”

Jinki turned around. Jonghyun was pointing to a picture of the Guggenheim Museum on the two page spread about Frank Lloyd Wright. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, avoiding Jonghyun’s eyes. 

“Well, actually the architect just designs the building,” Jinki corrected softly, unsure of what else to say. 

“That’s what I said,” Jonghyun mumbled, clearly embarrassed. A beat of silence followed.

Jinki considered turning back around to focus on his homework, before Jonghyun continued. “I asked the rest of the band if they wanted to stay together after high school.”

“Oh, how did it go?” Jinki asked, wanting to sound as encouraging as possible. Jonghyun’s eyebrows furrowed like they always did when he felt troubled. He shut the thick architecture book and laid it off to the side, folding his hands together on his chest and looking at the ceiling. 

“Hyunwoo’s parents are making him go to college for business, and Minho wants to be a journalist,” Jonghyun grumbled, eyes still not meeting Jinki’s.

“I thought I could count on Youngbae but the bastard wants to be a music producer. Said he wouldn’t be able to play in a band full time.”

Jinki looked down at his shoes, unsure of what to say. Jonghyun seemed less and less content with reality as time went on. His desires and goals seemed nebulous to Jinki, only existing in the incomprehensible world of Jonghyun’s own mind. 

After a moment, Jonghyun let out a long sigh. “Oh well. Guess I’ll have to go solo, right?” he gave a small laugh and glanced up at Jinki from his spot on the floor.

His eyes weren’t as lively as usual, but he seemed less worried than before, even with Jinki’s lack of advice. 

“I guess so,” Jinki replied, trying to smile. 

As the night grew darker, Jinki packed up his studying materials and turned off his desk lamp. He slipped into the bathroom to wash up before bed, leaving time for Jonghyun to change his own clothes in privacy.

Jinki always waited for five extra minutes, at least. He was constantly terrified of walking in on Jonghyun half-naked and disrupting the easy-going routine they shared. 

Jinki felt exhausted, his feet dragging on the floor as he tried to pull himself through the motions of his pre-bedtime ritual. By the time he was already walking into the bedroom, he realized that he hadn’t waited his customary extra five minutes.

Jonghyun’s bare chest greeted him. He blinked. A teasing grin split Jonghyun’s face.

“What is this!?,” he yelled. “Are you a pervert?” His voice was loud enough to wake the neighbors as he pointed an accusatory finger at Jinki, who stood frozen in the doorway.

Jinki sputtered, overwhelmed at the sight of Jonghyun’s skin and trying to process a suitable response.

“Uh—I,” Jinki said, feeling his neck growing warm. Jonghyun’s face softened and he started laughing, tugging his t-shirt on.

“I forget, you’re kind of a prude sometimes,” he grinned as he pulled the comforter back from the bed mat and crawled under. “I’m only teasing.”

Jinki tried to will away his blush as he turned the light off and joined Jonghyun under the covers. The change in the weather from freezing to tolerable had been slow, and Jinki hadn’t seen past Jonghyun’s forearms in months.

The memory of his bare chest from summer felt hazy like it could’ve been a dream, and seeing it in the stark familiarity of his bedroom made Jinki’s stomach burn.

While Jonghyun’s near-constant presence was a blessing to Jinki, it had been stressful to be surrounded by him in such close proximity.

Jinki wanted it as much as he didn’t, faced with the frustration of taming his crush while he was confronted with it in places of such intimacy.

“Jinki,” Jonghyun’s whisper filled the small space between them seconds before Jinki drifted off to sleep. 

“Hm?” he mumbled, only halfway listening. 

“You’re gonna be an amazing architect,” Jonghyun said, then reached out to squeeze Jinki’s hand under the blanket. Jinki tensed up, all his senses pinpointing on the spot where Jonghyun’s warmth seeped into his own. He squeezed back.

“You’re gonna be amazing too,” he said, voice faltering on the end as he realized how much he meant it and wanted it to be true. 

Jonghyun’s teeth shone as bright and white as the moon as Jinki’s eyelids slipped close and the warmth in his palm remained. 

  


  
\---

  


Summer brought with it a feeling of dread, an anxiety that had been building in Jinki’s chest since March but had increased steadily in its intensity as date of the college entrance exam loomed closer. 

Whenever Jonghyun asked if he wanted to go to the mall or have a late night meal at the convenience store, Jinki refused as images of practice exam questions burned behind his eyes.

Jonghyun had been quiet since the semester ended, his visits to Jinki’s room all but stopping in the weeks before and during their finals. Jinki had tried not to think much of it, focusing on studying and hoping Jonghyun was simply doing the same. 

He’d found that sleeping next to Jonghyun so much had become more of a burden than he wanted it to be, especially when Jonghyun had started discarding his t-shirt as the nights burned hotter. Jinki realized that his feelings weren’t changing, that if anything they were growing stronger the same way that Jonghyun’s arm muscles were. Even his smile seemed to dazzle Jinki more than it used to, although he doubted that could be possible. 

The solution to tamping down his feelings could be found in the pages of his textbooks and the hasty scribbles of his notes, but while he attempted to fill his days with memorization and practice problems, he worried about Jonghyun constantly.

His lack of direction frustrated Jinki, even though he had no right to be frustrated. It seemed like Jonghyun had stopped telling him things, simply rambling about a movie he’d watched or a song he’d heard every time the two of them met up.

Jinki tried to convince himself that it was for the best, especially because knowing any of Jonghyun’s feelings made Jinki want to know more, to hold them in his chest like a secret he’d never let go.

The familiar light rap of Jonghyun’s knuckles on the window startled Jinki from his dazed musings. He realized he’d accidentally drawn a wavy line through a sentence in his English workbook. 

“Long time no see,” Jonghyun said as he tumbled into the room, tossing a Choco Pie on Jinki’s desk. Jinki couldn’t help but let a small smile escape.

“What have you been up to?” Jinki asked, trying not to notice the way Jonghyun’s tank top hugged his abs which looked more toned than he remembered. 

“Oh, a little bit of this and that,” Jonghyun deflected, flopping down on Jinki’s bed mat. “What about you, though? Still studying harder than the whole school?”

Jinki laughed bitterly, thinking of the top students in their class who he’d never surpass. “You know that isn’t true,” he said.

“But I’ve been trying, I guess.” Jinki waited for a moment, hoping that Jonghyun would share more details about how his summer had been so far. 

“What is it tonight? More math?” Jonghyun suddenly jumped up, looking over Jinki’s shoulder at his workbook and flashcards.

Jinki drew in a breath at the sudden closeness, at the light scent of Jonghyun’s body odor followed by the smell of his shampoo.

He was acting weird. Jinki had never seen him take so much interest in the particulars of his study habits, and although Jonghyun had always been energetic, he was a different kind of fidgety tonight. 

“English, actually,” Jinki said, straightening out his row of pencils next to his notebook.

He bit his lip. “I could always help you, you know,” he offered, fiddling with the zipper on his pencil bag. “You know, with studying. We could go through English vocab together.” 

He glanced over at Jonghyun, feeling hopeful. Jonghyun gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s okay, I’m not worried. I’m pretty good at English.”

Jinki raised an eyebrow at that, having not seen Jonghyun studying any subject enough to confirm whether he was good at it or not. He looked away and tried to find his place again in the row of practice sentences he was copying down.

Jinki couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still off about Jonghyun, but he felt awkward prying. Jonghyun stood still, leaning against the dresser with his arms crossed over his chest.

It was becoming difficult for him to concentrate when he could feel Jonghyun’s body just centimeters from his own, radiating his weird energy.

The scratch of Jinki’s pencil on the page and the distant sound of a car on the street below became the only noises in the room. Jinki felt his frustration bubbling up to the surface with each passing second. 

“Jinki, I’m not going to college,” Jonghyun suddenly said, and the sound of the pencil on paper came to an immediate halt.

Absolute silence engulfed them, and Jinki felt a million responses pop up on his tongue, none of them satisfactory. 

“By the way,” Jonghyun continued, his voice quiet. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Jinki met his eyes then. Jonghyun looked scared, a vulnerability in them that Jinki had rarely seen. He felt a strong urge to reach out and touch him, to offer his hand as a place of comfort, to hold him in a hug that was too familiar for friends. 

“I just—” Jonghyun faltered as he tried to speak again, filling in the silence that Jinki kept leaving hanging. “It’s not where I need to be.”

Jinki nodded. He figured that somewhere inside he had expected this. He had expected a Jonghyun who didn’t follow the rules that Jinki felt obligated to follow and terrified to break.

The fear that Jonghyun felt was different, though, Jinki realized. Jonghyun didn’t fear breaking from normalcy, but he feared being alone in his decisions. Jinki stood up. He reached out his hand, and Jonghyun’s face scrunched up in a puzzled expression.

Jinki jutted his hand out further and nodded his head, and Jonghyun slowly raised his until they were clasped. With a swift tug, Jinki pulled him close until he could feel Jonghyun’s astonished gasp on the skin of his neck. 

“It’s okay,” Jinki said, the simplest truth he could find. Jonghyun clutched his t-shirt and hooked his chin over the curve of Jinki’s shoulder.

“I’ll support you,” he continued. “I’ll come to all your concerts.”

Jonghyun laughed, a rush of uneasiness exiting the room as he did, and Jinki felt the sound vibrate between their chests. “I know you will,” he said. 

  


  
\---

  


The convenience store on the corner always had one light on their window sign that flickered unevenly once the sunset began to dip low behind the city’s skyline.

The light was visible from Jinki’s bedroom, and he gazed out the window at Jonghyun—whose face was illuminated by its sharp green glow as he walked inside with only a sweatshirt on for warmth in the chilly December. 

Their exams scores had been released earlier that day, and a calm had settled over their neighborhood; a hush that fell as softly as the first snow with its light dusting of flakes.

Jinki’s scores had been more than satisfactory, the relief of doing well washing over him in waves as he’d read his name on the board in the crowded school hall.

Jonghyun’s mother had made him sit for the exam, on the off chance that he’d change his mind about not attending college. He’d done much better than expected, and Jinki felt bad for the tiny bit of doubt he’d harbored.

A tension between them had developed during the semester, and Jinki had been so focused on his anxieties about the exam that he’d been unable to muster the time or energy to confront it.

As their class had bumped shoulders around the scoreboard, Jinki and Jonghyun had met eyes from across shoulders covered in puffy winter coats.

Jonghyun had looked at him blankly, then shifted his gaze to the board where he’d read his name quickly then slipped out of the school building and into the crisp winter morning air. 

The store’s light flickered quickly, rapidly like the beating of Jinki’s heart when Jonghyun smiled, or the tapping of Jonghyun’s fingers on his window.

He walked across the road holding his old winter coat that hadn’t fit since the first year of high school. Jonghyun was sitting at the table the two of them always shared.

It was tucked behind a shelf of sweets and right in front of the microwaves. They liked it because it was out of view of the clerk and closest to the microwave that worked the best. Jonghyun stirred pieces of tteokbokki around in a bowl. Jinki laid his coat on the table.

“Don’t catch a cold,” he said as a greeting.

Jonghyun looked up. The dark circles under his eyes were deepened in color by the intense fluorescent lighting. Jinki realized that he hadn’t even known they were there. 

“You think this old thing will fit me?” Jonghyun said, laughing bitterly and looking down into his bowl.

It was a joke, but the awkwardness between them hadn’t quite lifted.

“You haven’t grown a centimeter since then, so yes,” Jinki replied, trying for continued banter to break the ice that had formed.

He sat down in the chair opposite him, and Jonghyun laughed again, this time a little warmer. 

The aftermath of the exam seemed to have shifted the Earth on its axis. Jinki felt like he’d aged more than a year since that long day, and Jonghyun, too looked different; he had a seriousness about him that Jinki wasn’t accustomed to.

It was in his eyes and the curve of his body that contrasted the bright orange color of the plastic chair. 

“You’re so funny, Jinki,” Jonghyun said, and he glanced up with a smile that crinkled the edges of his eyes. “You always say the funniest things, and no one expects it.”

Jinki’s heart fluttered. Jonghyun had always been earnest, but the compliment felt like a deeper kind of honesty that he rarely shared.

He felt a blush creeping up his cheeks, a reminder that his crush on Jonghyun wasn’t close to dissipating even after they’d spent some time apart.

“Thank you,” Jinki mumbled, kicking the table leg shyly. “You’re funnier, though.” Jonghyun giggled. 

“Want me to buy you something?” he asked, already almost finished with his tteokbokki. 

“Ah—you don’t have to,” Jinki said. “You always buy me stuff when you come over and spend the night.”

It felt weird to say that fact out loud. Though it wasn’t a secret to either of them, or something they needed to keep unsaid, it felt like a detail of their lives that was too sacred to give voice to. Jonghyun just shook his head. 

“Don’t think of it like that,” he said. “Just consider it a reward for your exam scores.”

Jinki opened his mouth to respond, but Jonghyun was already out of his seat and headed towards the ramyun aisle for the spicy chicken flavored cup that Jinki always favored. It struck him how Jonghyun knew that and so many of his other preferences.

He knew the same of Jonghyun’s, and it was from years of building their tastes and habits. Jinki felt a warm fizz in his belly, a comfort in realizing how well they knew each other; in how much they’d shared. 

As he watched Jonghyun head to the register to pay, he felt that fizzing in his belly build into a steady stream of warmth that reached his chest.

Through all the physical attraction he’d felt towards him on so many occasions, the image of Jonghyun in just a cozy sweatshirt and lounge pants made Jinki’s heart clench even more than that of him in one of his tank tops. Jinki decided he might be able to find happiness in just this; the ability to look at Jonghyun and know him and bask in his presence.

Jonghyun came back and set the ramyun down on the table. “You can do the honors with the coveted microwave,” he teased. 

Jinki felt stupid with the smile on his face, beaming too bright for the casual moment that was heightened in importance in his brain alone.

They were the only people in the store besides the clerk, who was reading a newspaper and facing the door. It felt like their own corner of the world that had been reserved for this moment.

“I’ll buy you something next time,” Jinki offered once his mouth was full of noodles. 

Jonghyun smiled, watching how the sauce speckled Jinki’s lips with red splashes. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

The wind howled outside the little store and Jonghyun absentmindedly swung his feet under the table. The steaming broth and spice of Jinki’s snack was filling him up with a satisfying content feeling. He felt a sudden courage, a desire to speak with the same honesty that Jonghyun had earlier. 

“I’m gonna miss you sleeping over once I move further into the city,” Jinki commented, thinking of the bustling area around Hongik’s campus.

A part of him wanted to stay in the comfort of home, but the other part of him felt like moving was the first step into adulthood.

“Of course, we can still meet up. I’ll have to show you around once I become an expert.” Jinki grinned. It felt odd to imagine being a part of the student life he’d thought about for so long. 

Jonghyun stopped swinging his feet. He let out a breathy laugh as he smiled back, but his eyebrows were beginning to knot together, two sharp lines that never successfully touched but always came close. Jinki frowned, suddenly self-conscious.

“Yeah, um. That’ll be great, Jinki,” Jonghyun replied, but his voice had gone quiet, a near whisper in the emptiness of their surroundings.

Jinki felt a chill going through him, like someone had opened the front door and let the winter weather sneak in, but they were still alone together.

Jinki blinked, his chopsticks now hovering above his half-empty cup. “What is it?” he asked, confused at the sudden change in mood.

Jonghyun bit his lip. He started fiddling with the trash from his food that he’d yet to throw away. He wouldn’t look Jinki in the eyes. “The thing is—” 

“Yeah?” Jinki prompted, suddenly filled with fears of all kinds as he tried to assess Jonghyun’s behavior. 

“I don’t think we’ll be able to see each other much,” Jonghyun said. He swallowed slowly, as if something was stuck in his throat. Jinki’s heart pounded.

“I can’t...I mean,” he stumbled. Jinki had never seen Jonghyun so at a loss for words.

“Remember when I said college wasn’t where I needed to be?”

He finally looked up, locking eyes with Jinki’s bewildered expression.

“Yeah, I remember,” Jinki nodded. “But, visiting doesn’t mean attending.”

Jonghyun smiled grimly and shook his head. “I know it doesn’t, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”

Jinki gulped, wondering if this had anything to do with the secret feelings he’d been keeping buried out of fear and guilt. He wondered if Jonghyun had somehow caught on and was ready to tell him how angry he was. 

“Okay, what’s it about then?”

“I’m moving to America,” Jonghyun abruptly said it, and Jinki’s stomach dropped onto the dirty linoleum floor.

The world outside with all its howling wind, the buzzing of the appliances and their thumping hearts sealed inside the space that Jinki had come to call theirs, all came to a screeching halt.

He stared, his throat closing up and refusing him to speak. “W-what?” he managed to gasp, beside himself with disbelief. 

Jonghyun looked down at the table. “I need to be away from here. I don’t know for how long. I already have an apartment lined up, and everything.”

“Are you kidding?” Jinki interrupted, feeling his hands begin to shake with a flurry of emotions that were so knotted up inside him he couldn’t sort through them before they came flying out.

“Seriously? How do you even have the money for that?”

Jonghyun turned away with a blush, focusing on the microwaves instead of Jinki. He pursed his lips in thought, chewing on the bottom one with the sharp edge of his upper teeth. His knee started bouncing and he breathed out a shaky sigh. 

“My grandma lent me most of the money, but I’ve saved a lot from birthdays and New Year’s,” Jonghyun explained.

“Please understand...I can’t be stuck here. I feel stuck.”

“Stuck?” Jinki repeated, trying to wrap his brain around every little word he said.

“Yes,” Jonghyun replied, finally ignoring the microwaves in favor of turning back to Jinki’s stunned face.

His eyes were wild, shining and fearless and bright as stars.

“If I want to be a good songwriter, I need to have a life of exciting experiences, right? I have to understand new perspectives, to learn things that I can’t learn in school.”

Jinki swallowed the lump of tears sitting in the back of his throat. He saw the way Jonghyun was full of a passion he’d never seen. He saw the glimmer in his eyes, the pink flush in his cheeks. He realized that Jonghyun was too big, too all-consuming, and too damn stubborn to be held back.

He had seen slivers of this truth being revealed over time, in the way that Jonghyun fidgeted in every classroom and grumbled around tasks he couldn’t put the entirety of his soul into.

Jinki had nudged himself along, trying to find stability amidst his inner confusions, but Jonghyun’s courage balked at the mere suggestion of compliance. It was what Jinki admired about him more than his eyes, or his arms, or his breathtaking smile.

Jinki nodded, though his heart was hanging on by the smallest thread. “I know,” he settled on saying.

Jonghyun sighed in relief, closing his eyes as he did. He was young, they were both young, Jinki realized.

With his eyes closed, he reminded Jinki of every night they’d spent next to each other, sharing sleep like kids who were too excited by the promise of friendship to spend a moment of their time apart. 

He realized that he was suddenly faced with an impossible and immediate decision. 

The urge to confess to Jonghyun began to gnaw at him like an untamable beast. It crawled up from the pit of his stomach to the fragile chamber of his heart and finally behind that lump of tears that was still stuck in his throat. He held it there against its will.

Maybe. Maybe if the announcement had been a few minutes later, maybe if Jinki had settled more into that companionable silence they’d been sharing that had seemed like the logical conclusion after a period of undeniable hardship.

Maybe he would’ve said it if he’d taken one more look at how lovely Jonghyun was in his worn out sweatshirt, but not now.

“I’m happy for you,” Jinki continued, pressing on with anything he could say besides what he wanted to say the most.

“You have to do what’s best for yourself, no matter what.”

Jonghyun opened his eyes. He reached out a hand, and Jinki felt his body caving in as they touched each other.

“Thank you,” Jonghyun said. “You always understand.”

Jinki nodded. Jonghyun’s palm was slightly sweaty but it had never felt so inviting.

As they sat there with the darkness of night and the fear of the future looming ahead, Jinki wrapped up all his feelings in a tight bow and kept the image of their clasped hands and Jonghyun’s grateful smile engraved on the surface of his heart. 

  


  
\---

  


The freeway felt long and lonely even as Jinki sat next to Jonghyun in the backseat of his mom’s car; the front seat filled with nervous chatter.

His mom was trying to fill every small silence with even the most simple commentary, trying to be more happy than she was sad. Sodam kept sneaking glances at Jonghyun, secret smiles that could only be between siblings who had known each other so closely. 

Jinki and Jonghyun’s knees kept knocking together with every bump or increase in speed. Neither of them made a move to re-adjust their positions once they came into contact.

The spring rain had decided not to make its appearance known, and Jinki felt quietly grateful for it. If it had been pouring down in sheets like it had been for the past few days, Jinki wouldn’t have been able to stand the cliche. 

“Oh, it’s that Wheesung song! Turn it up, turn it up!” Jonghyun shouted.

Sodam had been flicking through the channels casually and Jonghyun’s ears were too sensitive to his favorite music not to miss it. 

Jinki had spent every day since the end of the school year helping Jonghyun pack up what belongings he felt essential to take with him.

His mother had been on and off sniffling for months, and Jinki wasn’t unfamiliar with the action—having done the same in his own room late every night after he had exhausted his emotions being in Jonghyun’s space for so long. 

Jonghyun tried to keep up a relatively normal routine, sharing the small details of his new life with Jinki whenever he could.

Jinki had seen pictures of the New York apartment Jonghyun would be living in, and the various places he wanted to visit while he was there. It made Jinki’s stomach swoop in discomfort and nausea, but he put on his best smile just so he could see Jonghyun’s beaming back.

When the day approached, the day Jonghyun would be leaving, Jinki had woken up slowly to the sound of quiet snores. It was rare when Jonghyun’s snoring would showcase itself, but Jinki was always thrilled to hear it, to look at how peaceful and deep Jonghyun slept.

They chatted amicably as they’d left Jinki’s house and walked to Jonghyun’s own to begin loading the suitcases and boxes into the car. It had felt strange, the way they were all trying to avoid the biggest elephant in the tiniest room. His mother had had her watery smile on her face as she’d served them a quick breakfast in their cozy little kitchen that Jinki knew so well. 

Jonghyun was singing along to the radio, and his hand was almost sitting on top of Jinki’s. Another slight bump in the road and their fingers would brush; would connect and send a jolt up Jinki’s arm and down his spine.

As the distance between their neighborhood and the airport grew shorter, and the sound of the radio dissolved into nothing more than a soft hum, Jonghyun turned quiet.

The car coasted on towards their destination, but the reality was setting in even deeper, embedding itself in the seconds of silence that ticked by. Jinki’s fingers twitched on the seat, and Jonghyun’s closed the gap. Jinki squeezed. Sodam averted her eyes in the reflection of the rear view mirror.

The sun beat down relentlessly as they pulled into the airport parking garage. The bustling, hectic nature of navigating the sprawling airport was enough to keep their thoughts occupied as the four of them ushered Jonghyun through to baggage drop off and ticket printing.

Jinki was reminded of the trip to Jeju which seemed long lost and far away, but it seemed so routine that Jinki could almost convince himself Jonghyun was only going on a short vacation. 

In the weeks leading up to Jonghyun’s departure, Jinki had grappled with the fact that he’d be starting college without him.

The beginning of a new school year defined not by a shared bus ride in the late summer heat which was the product of years of comfortable habit, but by the terrifying ordeal of entering a new environment completely alone. 

As Jinki looked at Jonghyun now, wearing his brand new shoes that he’d bought specifically for the occasion, and holding his Korean-to-English dictionary in his hand like an absolute dork, Jinki felt his body sway to meet his. They stood centimeters apart, and Jonghyun chewed on his fingernail.

“What did I tell you, I’ve been studying English on my own for almost a full year now preparing for this,” Jonghyun had boasted one night in Jinki’s room with his sloppy notes and flashcards strewn about on the blankets.

“I even know the slang words that kids our age use, none of that bullshit they teach in school. It’s too formal.”

“You’ve been planning all this for a year?” Jinki had asked, incredulous. 

Jonghyun looked shy, and fiddled with the edge of a piece of paper self-consciously. “Well, it was always an option I considered.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Jinki had mumbled, a question that felt pathetic when he formed it out loud. Jonghyun had averted his eyes. 

“I just wasn’t ready.”

Jinki wouldn’t have been ready then either, and he was far from ready now.

He wondered if Jonghyun even was, with the way his eyes had gone wide and searching, darting around the terminal like he was looking for something that he couldn’t find.

The minutes had begun to count down in Jinki’s mind, as the various stops they needed to make before Jonghyun headed through the security line came to an end. His mother began stalling, fretting over wrinkles in his t-shirt and the identification tag she’d pinned to his backpack. 

For once, Jonghyun didn’t put on his show of pretending to be annoyed with her fussing.

He stayed still and silent, looking at her with a heavy expression that carried feelings beyond words. When she finished checking him over he pulled her into a tight hug. She gasped, and the tears began to flow from both sides. 

Jinki stood like an awkward fourth wheel while Sodam wiped at her bottom lash line and joined in. Jonghyun squeezed his eyes shut and his thick eyebrows furrowed tightly in a line.

He looked pained, almost like he was being sent away against his will rather than by his choice. Jinki clenched his hand in a fist by his side. 

He’d imagined a scene of confession, replaying it a multitude of times behind his eyelids in the dark. 

Jonghyun would be about to turn to join the security line when Jinki would reach out and wrap his fingers around his wrist in a determined circle.

They’d look into each other’s eyes and know; that was how it always worked in such dreams. They’d look into each other’s eyes and know, but Jinki would still say it, just like any cheesy drama that he could predict without even seeing. 

_“Jonghyun-ah, I really like you. Let’s just stay together, what do you think?”_

In the dream, the kiss they shared dissolved into a pool of clear blue water before their lips could fully touch.

“What are you doing, Jinki?” Sodam said with a watery shake to her voice. She beckoned a hand. “Come here, you know you’re his family too.”

He blushed at the word, but his feet shuffled him along into the embrace, and they all stood there in a column of bodies, huddled together for warmth and reassurance that things would turn out the way they always needed to. 

Jonghyun’s mom squeezed his face when they pulled apart. It made Jonghyun smile big and bright and she followed it with a kiss to his cheek.

Their tears had begun to dry, replaced with a light of hope that bounced around in their eyes. As if on cue, Sodam and his mother stepped back, and Jinki faced Jonghyun. Just the two of them; like it had been so many times. 

“We’ll stay in touch,” Jonghyun said, but it almost sounded like a question rather than a statement. Jinki still nodded in acquiescence. “And don’t forget what I said.”

Jinki scrunched his face up in a question. Jonghyun smiled. “You’re gonna be an amazing architect, right?”

Jinki felt his heart jump in his chest. He remembered what he had said to that in response, how it had ended with hands clasped in what felt like a promise. He reached out to repeat the action, then felt a surge from deep within him, urging him to act on more of his feelings and pull Jonghyun close in a hug; a hug for them alone. 

Jonghyun smelled like his new clothes and his freshly washed hair, that scent of his shampoo that Jinki would recognize anywhere.

He clutched Jonghyun’s t-shirt in his hand and feared letting it go. He bit his lip to keep from letting out a sob that was inching up his throat. He felt their closeness, he savored it like the most precious gift. 

“And you’ll remember what I said too, okay?” Jinki replied, a secret whisper. 

“I will. I really will,” Jonghyun assured him, and it didn’t need to be repeated. The fierceness in his voice was confirmation enough.

Jinki reluctantly pulled away, and he thought about how easy it would be to step close again, to place the smallest of kisses on Jonghyun’s cheek. 

“See you,” Jonghyun said, and it sounded so easy. Jinki nodded as he turned to go.

“Jonghyun—” he felt his name shoot out of his mouth before he could take it back.

Jonghyun whipped his head around. Jinki gulped. “If—if you ever need anything, I’ll just be right here.”

Jonghyun gave him one of his close-lipped smiles, the ones that curved his eyes into half-moons and made his dipples pop up. “I know,” he said. 

He watched the determined line of Jonghyun’s back until it disappeared from view, down the hallway to the security checkpoint line.

All the words left unsaid and the overwhelming weight of heartbreak crashed down on him so thick and relentless that it might as well have been that stubborn spring rain—and Jinki was alone.

  



	3. Five Years Later

  


_Five Years Later_

  


  


\---

The clacking of keyboards and muffled curses from adults that only halfway drowned out the noisy chatter of elementary school kids was the soundtrack for the little corner of the PC cafe where Jinki watched Taemin play League of Legends with a determined frown.

An employee had just dropped off the ramyun bowls and cans of soda that Jinki had ordered for them when Taemin had passively hinted at his hunger earlier.

Taemin stretched his arms up in the air to relieve the stiffness that had developed from his hours of concentration.

He slipped his headphones off and reached across Jinki’s keyboard for his bowl—the largest size with extra cheese.

“Thanks, hyung,” he grinned as he picked it up. When he leaned over to grab his can of soda too, his arm brushed against Jinki’s chest in a way that was slowly becoming more familiar.

Jinki smiled. “Anything for the star player.”

Taemin rolled his eyes and took a loud slurp from his can. “Hardly. I’ve been so off recently, I keep losing every match I join,” he grumbled, jutting out his bottom lip in a troubled pout as he picked up a huge bite of noodles between his chopsticks. 

“Must be because I keep distracting you,” Jinki teased, mixing together his own bowl.

Taemin’s eyes flashed playfully. “Finally you admit to being the reason for my downfall.”

Jinki laughed and sat back in his chair after taking a few bites of his food. He hardly used the computer himself for games when the two of them took trips to the PC cafe on the weekends. Instead, he liked to order lots of snacks and watch—letting tension from his week release in his shoulders as he followed Taemin’s character across the screen.

Jinki didn’t hate his job, but sometimes he had to admit to feelings of jealousy for the newness of Taemin’s college career. Although, he certainly wasn’t jealous of Taemin’s strenuous dance curriculum—Taemin’s level of talent and dedication was something Jinki could never hope to match.

Jinki’s phone buzzed in his pocket, the material of the cushioned gaming chairs making the noise reverberate loudly. He opened the text.

bumkeyk: you’re coming out tonight right? 

bumkeyk: and don’t bring that little twerp i know you’ve been fucking...I can’t believe he’s even old enough to drink

Jinki snorted, and Taemin cursed loudly beside him, fully absorbed in his game again. 

dlstmxkakwldrl: we aren’t fucking…

bumkeyk: -_- don’t lie. you’re an awful liar

dlstmxkakwldrl: …

dlstmxkakwldrl: yes i’m coming tonight...just try not to burn a hole in my wallet again.

bumkeyk: that’s your problem for being born first 

Jinki decided not to dignify that with a response and put his phone back in his pocket. It wasn’t a lie; he and Taemin weren’t together. He couldn’t consider the fumbled make out sessions and light touching anything more than some casual fun that didn’t need to cross into any complicated territories. Taemin was similarly pleased with their arrangement, possessing an easygoing and playful personality that never sought anything close to serious. 

Jinki let his eyes wander over to Taemin’s screen as he sat in thought. He hadn’t seen Kibum in a few weeks, Jinki’s own triumphant college graduation having left him—in his own words—stranded alone in his last year. As the stress of finals loomed, Kibum consistently invited Jinki out as a way to cope. 

“Fuck,” Taemin grumbled after his twelfth consecutive loss of the night. He pulled off his headphones. “Honestly, I’m an embarrassment. What would Faker think of me?”

Jinki grinned and tugged on Taemin’s shirt sleeve. “Don’t worry about it for now. Let’s go, I can buy you some ice cream on the way.”

Taemin’s eyes lit up at that, a youthful brightness that simultaneously aged Jinki beyond his years and reminded him of how young he still was.

  


  
\---

  


Kibum was flashier than Jinki in every aspect. From the day they’d met in their design class during Jinki’s second year of college, he had been drawn to the way Kibum asserted and defined himself unapologetically. He hoped that he would be influenced by that level of confidence, but more often than not Jinki saw himself as a buffer to Kibum’s slightly ostentatious personality.

When Kibum picked the bars they went to, Jinki always felt underdressed and under suspicion. He sighed as he walked into one of their usual places, a popular club near the university that was busiest on Friday nights. As he pushed through the densely packed crowd, he spotted Kibum chatting with the bartender. She was pretty—friendly and stylish with an inviting smile. She was probably a student at Ewha, and the kind of woman Jinki would’ve tried to hook up with during his first few years of college when he’d attempted to convince himself he wasn’t actually gay.

The memory of that time made him stumble in his path towards the bar, the way he’d tried to pin it all on Jonghyun—pushing himself to forget the swirl of his adolescent feelings in favor of leading his best version of a normal life. As he looked at Kibum, legs crossed on the bar stool and dressed in a bright pink top that matched the streak of color in his hair, he wondered why he ever thought that was possible.

“Don’t tell me that drink is going on my tab,” Jinki said in place of a greeting as he plopped down in the seat next to Kibum’s. Kibum rolled his eyes and took a dramatic sip from his straw. 

“I’m not that rude,” Kibum asserted. “I’ll at least wait for you to get here before I start spending your money.”

His tone was harsh as it so often was, but the smirk that followed assured he was only teasing. Jinki pretended to mind, but he felt some sort of pride in being able to buy things for all his younger friends. His college internship that had led to his post-graduation employment at 4 Walls architecture firm had solidified a comfortable starting salary for him. 

Jinki ordered a drink from himself and tried to settle into the barstool. In the back of his mind, he preferred to be sitting on Taemin’s floor watching one of the new animes he’d been talking Jinki’s ear off about, but he had missed Kibum’s company. They’d spent a majority of Jinki’s college years together, having shared many of the same classes while Kibum had pursued his interior design degree. With their lives on different schedules now that Jinki had entered the workforce, time to meet up was scarce. 

Jinki sipped at his beer as Kibum recalled an incident earlier in the week involving his newly adopted puppies and their tendency to rummage around in his closet even when he tried to ban them from it. 

“I told you it wouldn’t be a good idea to adopt them during your last year of school,” Jinki said with a laugh. “It’s more stress than necessary.”

“They needed a home!” Kibum huffed. “What was I supposed to do, let them starve alone on the streets.”

Jinki shook his head and took another sip of his drink. Kibum loved to be dramatic for the sake of humor. “You know that wouldn’t have happened.”

“We can’t be so sure,” Kibum responded with a playful grin, unable to let someone else have the last word, even in a lighthearted situation. His laughter faltered as he looked down at his phone screen with a frown, notifications lighting it up in rows. “Seriously, I’m never dating another art student again,” he grumbled, opening up a text with a scowl. 

Jinki chuckled, having heard every end of Kibum’s dating frustrations for years. “What is it now?” 

“They’re so caught up in themselves,” Kibum whined. “I mean, look at this guy. He just sends me pictures of these weird watercolor paintings he’s been making for weeks,” he pushed his phone across the bar so Jinki could see.

“No words, just pictures. And if I even try to send him any of my work he immediately critiques it.”

“Well, why don’t you critique his then,” Jinki suggested.

“Believe me, I’ve tried,” Kibum scrolled up the text conversation. “I told him the pieces needed something more to elevate them, and he told me that the point was that they were ‘stripped down’,” Kibum rolled his eyes. 

Jinki laughed, always amused by the antics Kibum got himself into, much to his own disdain. “He’ll never make it in the art world if he can’t take some criticism.”

“That’s exactly what I said!” Kibum scrolled down further on the phone screen to point at another message he’d sent. He sighed and took an exasperated sip of his drink. “I think I just need to date the most normal guy possible to counteract all these freaks.”

Kibum’s voice had gone pouty, the first sign that he was getting tipsy as his words began to slur. He leaned against the bar and flicked his thumb across his phone screen, idly scrolling Instagram. 

As their laughter died down, and Kibum signaled the bartender for another drink, Jinki’s phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket and thumbed the screen with disinterest just to see the notification. It was from his email app. His heart stuttered to a stop. 

1 Message:  
realjonghyun90@yahoo.com

He squeezed the phone in his hand, a sweaty nervous feeling spreading out to the tips of his fingers. He’d need a calendar to count the days it had been since he’d seen that name pop up on his screen. Kibum’s slightly slurred speech came from over his shoulder. 

“Who’s Jonghyun?” he asked, almost a full shout in Jinki’s ear as he squinted at the phone, trying to make out the name.

Jinki rubbed a thumb across the screen to clear the notification, the frantic staccato of his heart refusing to give up its rhythm. 

“No one,” he said with a placating smile that he doubted actually fooled Kibum. He turned off his phone and leaned into the bar to order another round. 

  


  
\---

  


Jinki’s phone burned a hole in his pocket the whole subway ride to his apartment. As the train car rushed steadily underneath the city, he imagined what the message might say. He was tempted to leave it unread, to delete his email account entirely so he would never know, and maybe one day just forget.

In the beginning, Jonghyun had emailed him every week with an update about his life, and Jinki had enthusiastically responded, keeping up the hope that they would be able to correspond across the ocean that separated them. He even began to think that the distance was good for him, that being away from Jonghyun would make room for their platonic feelings to grow, and for Jinki’s romantic ones to drift into nothingness. 

But, time had its way of destroying the illusions they’d sustained, and after a while Jonghyun’s weekly updates became monthly instead. Jinki found himself waiting restlessly for the emails, refreshing his browser each night before giving in to sleep. The monthly emails seemed more scattered, and Jonghyun constantly mentioned being busy. It felt inevitable, when the communication just stopped. Neither of them noticed or remembered when it did, but a few months after the last update, Jinki had checked his inbox and seen the previous message he’d sent in reply. 

He’d felt funny when he’d read it, realizing the amount of time that had passed since he’d typed it out, an excited paragraph with lots of emoticons. Something about sending a follow up to it felt wrong, a breach in a certain code of messaging conduct. The act of typing something concrete, after so long, felt like an action that would be a burden to both of them. 

As Jinki unlocked his apartment door, he heard the unmistakable sound of video game combat drifting from Taemin’s open window in the neighboring unit. Jinki smiled and thought about waving in at him, but figured any break in concentration would just be another addition to Taemin’s losing streak. 

He turned the kitchen light on and stalled there for a bit, staring out his window at the long stretches of houses and apartments that populated his neighborhood of mostly college students and recent graduates. The dim hallway light that led to his bedroom looked ominous, a warning of the complicated feelings that any word from Jonghyun would begin to stir up. His bedroom had been host to the handful of women and men (after he stopped lying to himself) that he’d brought over since he’d started living there during his second year of school. They were people he always gave himself reasons not to call back, reasons not to respond to messages in the dark.

He took his phone out of his pocket and toyed with the idea of leaving it off all night and simply going to bed. Something about reading it in the intimacy of his bedroom brought back a wave of memories that felt so distant they could’ve easily been imagined.

He pulled out the chair at the kitchen table. His phone screen glowed bright and blue.

1 Message

realjonghyun90@yahoo.com: hey jinki...im coming home. sunday, 6 am arrival from jfk. are you still right there, like you said? btw...you’re the first person to know. i’ve missed you.

Jinki blinked at the phone a few times, worried he’d drank more than he remembered and that he was reading the message wrong. Home and miss you didn’t seem like they should be there. They were words that Jinki could barely comprehend. The sweaty nervousness he’d had earlier overcame him once more, a violent rush of nausea that carried every feeling he’d tried to keep down for years. He saw the tiny font beneath the section of text. _Read, 12:35 AM._

He turned his screen off, then powered down the phone for good. He laid it on the kitchen counter amongst piles of paper and other miscellaneous things that were meant for dealing with in the morning. He clicked his bedroom door shut, a point to ignore anything beyond it.

As he laid under his covers, anxiety building in the pit of his stomach, he remembered nights sharing body heat with Jonghyun on a bed mat that left little distance between them. He remembered the casual swing of long, dark hair, pinned back by a red headband to show off the angled point of severe eyebrows. He remembered the smallest details, like the time it took to walk from his house to Jonghyun’s if he started at the bus stop down the street. He felt an ache in his heart, long suppressed, begin to show itself again at the forefront of his chest.

  


  
\---

  


Saturday found Jinki on the couch in Taemin’s living room facing his TV, where a dynamic animated action scene was flitting past his eyes too quickly for him to follow. To give his mind less time to dwell, he’d knocked on Taemin’s door early that morning and requested he turn on his favorite anime so they could spend a day relaxing. 

Jinki’s phone was a heavy brick in his pocket, still shut off from the world but lying in wait for his command; for the inevitable moment when he would turn it back on and give his final answer. He would play the waiting game for a while though, too twisted up to know what his response would be. 

Taemin’s eyes went wide at the next dramatic angle on screen, followed by a series of fast moving punches and kicks by the main character. “Did you see that hyung?” he prompted, elbowing Jinki. “I’ve watched it so many times, but this fight just gets better.”

Jinki chuckled with as much good humor as he could manage. He had been unsuccessfully trying to keep his knee from bouncing all over the place. Taemin had been eyeing it with each of its jerky movements, but he’d kept to himself and continued to watch TV. Jinki bit his bottom lip, so hard he thought he might dig a hole before he could solve the problem at hand. Taemin would have to take him to the hospital. It sounded like a pretty good excuse to refuse an invitation to the airport. 

As the fight scene stalled and left the episode on a cliffhanger, the ending credits song began to roll with its sweet nostalgic melody, and Taemin glanced over at Jinki’s knee again. He reached over slowly to stop it with his hand, a soft pat that landed right above the kneecap, his fingers spreading out. Taemin flashed a quiet smile. Jinki returned it with an embarrassed huff, something not quite a laugh. 

“Look, I know this doesn’t interest you as much as me,” Taemin said, face turning serious. He had a way of cutting to the heart of tense situations by entering carefully. Jinki sighed. 

“It’s not that,” Jinki started. His eyes danced around the room, stopping at the twirling, colorful figures who danced on the screen as names flashed past in Japanese. Taemin’s hand was still a steady weight. He didn’t say anything, waiting for Jinki to collect his thoughts for as long as it took.

“What do you do when you think your whole life is about to change course based on one decision?”

Taemin joined Jinki in studying the TV screen. He was quiet for a moment, his pretty eyes still and thinking. Jinki envied the calmness he radiated—a steady patch of water in a rippling ocean under turmoil. 

“I would calculate the pros and cons,” Taemin decided with a nod. “Sometimes, the change can be a good thing.”

Jinki gave a small smile of agreement, but his stomach was still in knots. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks.”

Taemin inclined his head, his body shifting to meet Jinki’s. His fingers moved to sit on his shoulder, a place to rest them in comfort. “Whatever it is, you can trust yourself.” 

Their eyes met, a quick glance that highlighted the short distance between them. Taemin’s eyelashes feathered delicately at the ends, and Jinki realized he had never noticed that before. Taemin stared at him, a pensive look that felt like it was reading everything on Jinki’s face. He let out a breath he’d been holding. 

There had been another time, when he thought Taemin might have known more than he let on. It had been when Thorn by Buzz played briefly on a show they had been watching. It was nothing more than a mere couple of seconds of the opening chorus line, but Jinki had stiffened in his seat. 

“Buzz-related trauma?” Taemin had joked, but there had been a quieter question behind it.

Jinki’s had felt much too vulnerable. “Just reminds me of someone.”

The shift of understanding that had passed through Taemin’s eyes had been more than words needed to say. 

The second episode of the anime started; its rock-heavy opening theme blasting through the near silence that had been settling. Jinki kept his gaze steady. “I just have to pick up a friend from the airport tomorrow,” he said. 

Taemin nodded, and the smile that shook his lips held the tiniest bit of sadness. More than sadness, it held its irresistible charm. “I know,” he said. 

  


  
\---

  


dlstmxkakwldrl@daum.net: meet u there, terminal 1.

  


  
\---

  


The light of dawn crept across the sky, trying to find its footing for the day the same way Jinki was as he imagined how he would feel when he saw Jonghyun again. There appeared to be two options, and Jinki weighed them in his head like pros and cons the way Taemin had suggested. One side of him saw a rekindling of a childhood friendship with a new layer of maturity. He would greet Jonghyun with an easy hug and Jinki would know that everything he felt in high school had passed him by just as quickly as the years had. 

The other side of him pictured all the blood rushing to his head the moment they locked eyes, and a dizzying feeling that he remembered from when they’d touched hands as teenagers. In the rational corner of his mind, Jinki knew they had both changed so much. Almost as much time as they’d spent as friends had already passed, another section of their lives defined by something besides each other. 

He was nervous for either outcome, because both felt earth-shattering.

The drive to the airport conjured up memories from the day he and Jonghyun’s family had dropped him off. Jinki recalled Jonghyun’s email. 

_btw, you’re the first person to know._

He wondered if his mom and sister knew now, or if this meeting between the two of them was still as liminal and secret as it felt to Jinki while he rushed past cars on the highway. He realized that trains from the airport to the city ran every few minutes, and that the bus system was equally as convenient, and he couldn’t see any benefit from Jonghyun’s perspective to a ride back into the city during rush hour. Even on a Sunday, traffic never tended to let up.

The tiniest hint of reasoning he could find was too self-indulgent for Jinki to consider. He took a deep breath and pressed on. 

Terminal 1 was a busy whirlwind of activity when Jinki arrived. Nervous foreigners trying to find their way, excited people greeting their visiting family members, and the clipped, polite sound of the airport intercom announcements all buzzed around Jinki’s head in a flurry of noise. He made his way to the security exit point, where a crowd of people were waiting anxiously for their loved ones to appear.

Jinki’s palms were sweaty against the metal railing, that lifeline to hold him steady if the shock of seeing Jonghyun again was too much. A couple passengers wandered out, rushing to their families and friends with eager smiles, glad to be home. Jinki wondered what Jonghyun would do, he wondered if they would even recognize each other. 

The deafening sound of his thumping heart only added to the layers of volume cascading around him like sheets of falling rain. He kept his eyes glued to the exit point, he thought about how Taemin said change could be good, he thought about how both short and long the years had felt, he thought about Jonghyun’s voice drifting out in unwavering promise when he sang Buzz.

He saw Jonghyun walk out, and all the sound in the room stopped. 

Every part of him was so shockingly familiar, but honed and shaped by time. Short dark hair, tucked up in a baseball cap, and the softness of his black sweatshirt that clung to him so that Jinki could just barely make out the muscles that were still there. The arched line of his brows, the dramatic slope of his nose, the cut angle of his jaw that sat delicately on his face to hold each feature of it like a prize, the smile that overtook it once his line of sight met Jinki’s and Jinki’s hold on the railing wasn’t enough to calm the shaking—all of it was so Jonghyun and Jonghyun was beautiful.

It was just like high school, but also completely not. Jinki couldn’t breathe. 

“Hey, Jinki,” Jonghyun said when he approached him. His smile fit his face even more than it used to; its wide toothiness another charming point to add to the list of things Jinki was rapidly cataloguing. 

“Hi, Jonghyun,” he said, still breathless. Jonghyun pulled him into a hug, and Jinki let himself fall willingly into the embrace, so deep he would’ve sunk to his bones in the warmth. Long gone was the heavy smell of teenage sweat, replaced by the clean, woodsy spice of Jonghyun’s perfume. It was immediately intoxicating, and Jinki let himself touch his nose to the crook of Jonghyun’s neck for a moment longer than he should’ve just to bask in it. 

When Jonghyun pulled back, his face was so bright and open that Jinki felt blinded by it. The mature edge of masculinity to him, offset by the youthful grin he wore and the ambiguous in- between nature of his pretty features—it was the most inevitable progression. Jinki was suddenly struck by the self-conscious feeling that his own demeanor reflected that of their teenage years, that he didn’t have any physical changes to show for the time that had passed.

“I’m not used to speaking Korean in public anymore,” Jonghyun said with a giggle. “I almost apologized to someone in English when I bumped their shoulder on the way in.”

Jinki laughed, feeling giddy on Jonghyun’s energy, on the buzz of electricity that started at his toes and coursed through his body every time they looked at each other. Being in his space again made Jinki feel like he’d been knocked off his own personal axis, like the whole world had been thrown off slightly, and Jinki was trying to re-navigate everything he’d come to know. 

“It’s kind of weird to be back,” Jonghyun continued, glancing around at the banal airport scenery with a measure of fascination. “Everything feels different,” he looked at Jinki with searching eyes, and his voice went a little soft. “But still so familiar.”

Jinki’s heart jumped up into his throat, threatened to jump out of his body and into Jonghyun’s palm. “Yeah, that’s just what I was thinking actually.” he said, dazed.

Jonghyun smiled. “Lead the way to the car, taxi driver.”

  


  
\---

  


Morning was still breaking as they left the airport, and Jonghyun rolled the window down to let the cool air drift in, not yet filled with the damp humidity that would settle over the country as the days continued further into May.

Jinki kept glancing over to the passenger side, at Jonghyun’s profile highlighted by the sun. He kept thinking that he didn’t know how conversations started after five years of stagnation. Jonghyun reached over to turn the volume knob on the radio up, and Jinki noticed the way the veins of his hands and forearms stood out thick and smooth under the skin.

He settled back into the seat with a smile as a pleasant guitar ballad hummed through the speakers. “Ah, Mom and noona are going to be so surprised.” 

“You didn’t tell them yet?” Jinki asked, taking the response as an excuse to turn his head toward Jonghyun again.

“No, and the rest of my stuff is being sent to the house in the next couple of days,” he said. “I just hope my mom doesn’t have a heart attack or something.”

Jinki grinned. That playfulness was unchanged, as was the way Jonghyun showed his love and care through sweet gestures. “Right,” he laughed, not wanting the thread of conversation to stop there, but afraid of its transient quality. 

“Oh—we’ll have to go out together sometime!” Jonghyun said once the silence had dragged on for a moment too long to be comfortable. “It’s funny, we’ve never drank together since we were just kids the last time I was here.” Jonghyun reached out and jostled Jinki’s shoulder playfully. “You’ll have to show me all the best spots.”

Jinki’s pulse ramped up at the casual touch. He tried to imagine Jonghyun drunk. It was weird to realize that they hadn’t shared that milestone of adulthood together, how it had been Kibum instead of Jonghyun who’d learned how well Jinki could handle his liquor (even on the nights when Kibum dragged him out to four different clubs followed by noraebang after.) 

“Did you do that a lot in New York?” Jinki asked, feeling hesitant and awkward somehow, like he was a parent chastising a child. Jonghyun laughed like he understood Jinki’s apprehension.

“The people I lived with loved going out every weekend,” he explained. “I couldn’t keep up! I mostly stayed in my room, but it can be nice to go out every once in a while.”

Jinki smiled in agreement. With every word that Jonghyun said, new questions popped up in his mind, new details that Jonghyun seemed to be skirting around. He’d expected the hyper chatterbox that he’d remembered, but Jinki had to keep reminding himself that this Jonghyun wasn’t the wild-eyed boy of his youth. He had to keep reminding himself that they’d both changed, even in subtle ways that he didn’t think would be so noticeable. 

“And we should definitely meet up with the other guys from the band, too,” Jonghyun continued. “Do you know what they’re doing these days?”

Jinki shook his head. “Ah, no I don’t actually,” he said with an uncomfortable strain to his voice. “I uh, I haven’t talked to a lot of people from high school,” he admitted. “I kind of always felt like they were more your friends than mine.”

He hadn’t meant to include that touch of honesty at the end, but he felt desperate to say something less benign than the exchange of simple pleasantries. Jonghyun gave a little laugh. 

“Of course they were your friends,” he said with a brightness of assurance to his voice, like he was trying to gently convince both Jinki and himself. “You were our manager, after all,” he continued. “The most valuable member of any group.”

Jinki couldn’t help how his heart fluttered at that, the way Jonghyun said every compliment like a truth, how his smile stretched warm across his face like the sun stretched across the sky while they made their way closer to the heart of the city. It was comforting to hear him recall one of their shared memories, a little scene tucked into the back of Jinki’s mind. 

“Feels like forever ago,” Jinki commented. “High school.”

“I know,” Jonghyun agreed with an emphatic sigh. “I was kind of crazy back then, wasn’t I?”

Jinki laughed at that and the way Jonghyun threw him a knowing smirk. It was the same smirk he’d seen on his younger face, but with an even greater amount of mischief. 

“You never studied,” he said. Jonghyun’s eyes scrunched up and his teeth shone as he giggled along with Jinki.

“I know, not ever.”

“I always tried to help you,” Jinki said with a fond smile that he couldn’t keep from his face. 

“I didn’t want to listen to anyone,” Jonghyun mused, his voice thoughtful. “I had other plans.”

Jinki noticed the wistful lilt in Jonghyun’s tone, the way he didn’t elaborate, but turned his head to look back out the window. A moment passed where the only sound was the rumble of the tires on the speeding highway.

“What about you?” Jonghyun piped back up. He dropped his hand from where it had been sitting under his chin and looked toward Jinki. “You always studied so hard...did you get to where you wanted to be?”

Jinki bit his lip at the phrasing. He had completed his five-year program, he’d graduated with excellent grades and a guaranteed position at a firm where he worked hard at things he was interested in, and made enough money to support himself. He had friends who understood him and enjoyed his company, and his family was all healthy. He even owned his own car. A lot of people his age only dreamed of being in a similar situation, but somehow the question still stumped him.

Jinki’s hesitance caught Jonghyun’s attention, and his face deepened in a puzzled frown. Jinki blushed and steadied himself by keeping his eyes focused on the road. “I’d say I’m living comfortably,” he settled on an answer, flexing his hands on the steering wheel. “I graduated and everything, and I have a job.”

Jonghyun smiled in response, but his eyes hinted at what Jinki had left unsaid—that sometimes those simplicities weren’t enough. “That’s great, Jinki,” he said, voice soft. “I knew you could do it.”

Jinki blushed, not daring to look at Jonghyun for fear of what his expression would reveal. They were just reaching the outskirts of the city, and Jinki switched lanes to take the road that led towards their neighborhood. His stomach did a small flip as he thought about going back there again. He visited his parents from time to time, but he rarely stayed longer than a couple days—never opting to sleep in his childhood bedroom. It was easy to displace any memories that lingered when he was busy with Chuseok or New Year’s celebrations.

He never ventured out into the neighborhood, into the places that had known the both of them, that bore the marks of their adolescence so blatantly that Jinki couldn’t separate them from that time. Jonghyun had turned back to the open window, his arm hanging out of it and his legs crossed casually in the seat. Familiar buildings and streets started to come into view. 

“Did you get to where you wanted to be?” Jinki asked suddenly, the question gnawing at him and becoming more urgent as they approached their destination.

Jonghyun paused, looking serious as he considered it. The road ahead was one that Jinki had walked a thousand times, the distance between two endpoints that had always met in the middle.  
“I think I’m still trying to figure that out,” Jonghyun answered as Jinki’s car slowed in front of his house. Jinki put the car in park and stared at his hand on the gear shift. Neither of them moved to exit, and Jinki could feel the undeclared invitation hanging in the space that separated their bodies. 

“I’ll help you with your stuff,” Jinki offered. Jonghyun smiled as he inclined his head in gratitude and Jinki noticed the touch of pink on his cheeks. 

Once his suitcases were unloaded, and Jonghyun had slung his backpack over his shoulder, Jinki moved to get back in the car. Jonghyun stopped him with a hand to wrist, and Jinki averted his eyes. 

“I’ll let you know when I’m good,” he said. “For dinner and drinks, I mean.” 

“Ah—yeah, for sure. I’m off every weekend, of course,” Jinki replied, feeling jumpy and extra nervous. He was still adjusting to Jonghyun being around everyday again, trying to get used to being in his presence casually like he used to.

“That’s right, you’re a real working professional now,” Jonghyun teased. 

Jinki nodded and opened the car door. His movements felt stiff as he climbed in and turned the key in the ignition. “See you around,” he said, his voice quiet enough that the engine could’ve drowned it out if Jonghyun hadn’t been listening. 

Jinki shifted into drive to pull away, but not before watching Jonghyun knock on the front gate. His mother’s perplexed expression peeked out cautiously from the crack in the doors, then turned into utter joy as she thrust them open to pull her son into a hug. Jinki drove down the street, back into the bustling hub of the city where his apartment sat open and waiting. It was like another world entirely. 

Driving Jonghyun back to his old house had felt like time travel, like that little pocket of the city was only really there when the both of them were too, otherwise it lacked some of its inherent characteristics. It came alive with nostalgia and then blinked out of existence when Jinki stepped away again.

As he unlocked his front door and slipped inside, the exhaustion of the day fell heavy on his shoulders. The anxiety that had laid tight in his belly, mixed with the euphoric rush of seeing Jonghyun again and the simultaneous surge of overlapping memories was all too overwhelming.

Jinki slumped into his bed after half-heartedly washing up and changing clothes. The start of the work week loomed over him, and he thought about the sparkle in Jonghyun’s eyes as he drifted off to sleep. 

  


  
\---

  


KakaoTalk: 1 Message

realjonghyun90: jinki-yah  
realjonghyun90: are u free this weekend  
realjonghyun90: noona told me about this app ㅋㅋ  
realjonghyun90: lets go to your favorite place 

dlstmxkakwldrl: how about Saturday night?  
dlstmxkakwldrl: i’ll buy.

realjonghyun90: ah, you don’t have to do that…

dlstmxkakwldrl: im just returning the favor from last time.  
dlstmxkakwldrl: remember you said you’d hold me to it.

realjonghyun90: the ramyun….wow you have a great memory  
realjonghyun90: but you’re right you owe me a meal ㅋ

dlstmxkakwldrl: ^^ 

realjonghyun90: i’ll meet u there, 8 pm?

dlstmxkakwldrl: sounds good.

realjonghyun90: ㅎㅅㅎ

  


  
\---

  


Jinki spent far too long fretting in front of his closet over an outfit to wear to dinner with Jonghyun. It had been a week since he’d dropped him off at his house, and Jinki had hardly stopped thinking about him. When he and Taemin had taken their weekly trip to the PC cafe, Jinki had zoned out in the middle of Taemin’s game as he’d remembered how Jonghyun liked playing video games in high school too, and couldn’t help but wonder if he still did now.

He didn’t know what he was expecting, especially because he was still nervous to be around him. As close as they had been as kids, it felt like they had an infinite bridge to cross to come back to that, and Jinki’s stubborn crush was still standing in the way. 

He took the subway to the restaurant, not trusting that he’d be able to find a parking spot on a Saturday night. He caught his reflection in one of the shiny exteriors of the train cars, and instinctively straightened his shirt out. 

Jonghyun was already standing at the front door of the restaurant, and Jinki’s heart rate increased embarrassingly fast. Jonghyun’s t-shirt was loose and casual on his shoulders, and he wore his way too-big name brand sneakers with too much confidence for Jinki not to think it was adorable. He willed himself to hide the flush on his cheeks and approached him. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dressed up this much,” Jonghyun commented with a grin. 

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “I was never the best at fashion,” he admitted. 

“Me neither,” Jonghyun smiled, and Jinki couldn’t help but get swept up in his mood, in the buzzing atmosphere of the busy restaurant and the constant reminder of Jonghyun’s body when their knees touched under the low tables. 

“I feel like I’m having reverse culture shock,” Jonghyun joked as he straightened his back and tried to get comfortable on the small floor cushions. “You’d think I’d remember my own country more.” 

Jinki shrugged and gave a reassuring smile. “Well, five years is a pretty long time. It would take anyone some getting used to.” 

Jonghyun paused at that, looking pensive. “Yeah, you’re right. It is a long time, isn’t it?” 

Jinki smiled, but he felt it falter out of nervousness. When Jonghyun looked directly at him it made his neck itch hot under the collar of his shirt. 

“What should we eat?” He asked to deflect. Jonghyun shrugged. 

“You pick, it’s your favorite place after all,” he said. “I need the expert’s opinion.” 

Jinki smiled, and pressed the service bell on the table. A content feeling hummed under his skin as he ordered and the two of them settled more comfortably into the night. The conversation was flowing better than it had the week before, and Jinki found himself leaning closer and closer over the table towards Jonghyun. The influence of alcohol could’ve been to blame, but Jinki recognized these feelings from high school. If anything, they were only heightened. 

The restaurant was near the university campus, and one he and Kibum had been to numerous times. Jinki still felt caught off guard seeing Jonghyun’s face from across the table, seeing him in all these new places that Jinki’s brain associated with his college life, with Jonghyun’s absence.

“I’ve been working on converting my old bedroom into a little studio space,” Jonghyun said once their food arrived. 

Jinki raised an eyebrow in interest and surprise, remembering how many years it had served as Jonghyun’s band’s personal practice room. “Really? That sounds like a big project.” 

Jonghyun grinned fondly as he took a sip of his beer. Jinki had been pacing himself, trying to match Jonghyun and see how much he planned to drink. His eyes followed the movement of Jonghyun’s throat, and Jinki blushed into his bowl of rice. 

“It is. I got rid of my bed to fit my equipment in,” Jonghyun continued. “Right now I just curl up on the living room floor with some extra bedding, and it’s good enough.”

Jinki felt his heart swell stupidly as Jonghyun referred to another event of their past, even if he did so subtly. “I feel like I slept on that bed more than you ever did,” Jinki commented, remembering lazy summer afternoons. 

Jonghyun smirked. “I always liked your floor better.” 

The flush on Jinki’s cheeks deepened, burning hot like the bubbling pot of stew in front of them. Jonghyun’s light teasing was familiar, but it had developed a more flirtatious edge that Jinki was having trouble getting used to. 

When Jinki didn’t say anything in reply, Jonghyun laughed to ease the tension. “That was too much, wasn’t it?” 

Jinki drank some of his beer to calm his nerves. He grinned once he felt less frazzled. “Hm...maybe just a bit,” he said with an answering smile, and they shared a comfortable laugh. 

As Jonghyun filled his mouth with more food, Jinki still couldn’t shake the feeling that this felt like a date. He’d only been on a few dates with women, and he’d never been on a date with another man that hadn’t taken place in the darkness of a bedroom. He wasn’t sure how these things were supposed to go, but he was as drawn to Jonghyun’s warmth as ever—especially with the quiet buzz of drinks building under his skin. 

“Anyway, I was thinking about asking Youngbae to help me set up some recording equipment. I talked to him earlier in the week about meeting up for drinks, too,” Jonghyun circled the conversation back around and Jinki was grateful.

Jinki nodded, though he still felt apprehensive about reuniting with Jonghyun’s old friends, with yet another part of their shared past. “Ah—okay, just let me know what day will work best.”

“You should bring some of your college friends, too,” Jonghyun continued. “I’d like to meet them.”

Jinki looked down at his half empty glass, feeling that apprehensiveness building as he imagined Kibum, Taemin, and Jonghyun all in the same space. His brain couldn’t handle that combination, somehow. It felt like two universes colliding. He bit his lip. 

“Is—is that alright?” Jonghyun followed up, his voice quieter as he noticed Jinki’s hesitation. Jinki was reminded of how intuitive Jonghyun could be when he was paying attention. He suddenly felt overwhelmed with the knowledge that Jonghyun had known him, known him so well that he could pick up on Jinki’s subtle moods even after so much time. 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Jinki reassured him, trying to make his smile as convincing as he could. “Of course it is. I’ll just have to talk to them.”

Jonghyun smiled sheepishly, letting out a little puff of air in place of words as the awkwardness came back, hanging over their shoulders like it was forever waiting to make its appearance. Jonghyun’s phone buzzed on the table. His face bloomed into a smirk while he read the message and sent a swift reply. Jinki stirred his spoon in the kimchi jjigae in front of them as nonchalantly as he could.

“Do your friends in New York miss you?” Jinki asked, inclining his head towards the phone. 

Jonghyun looked confused for a moment, eyebrows furrowing and mouth opening in a small ‘o’ before he realized what Jinki meant. “Oh—no that was just Sodam,” he explained. “Teasing me about staying out late. She loves to do it now that she can see me everyday,” he tried to sound annoyed but Jinki recognized the glow of appreciation and love on his face. 

Jinki nodded, but once again noticed Jonghyun’s casual sidestep of the topic he had brought up. Another silence fell in the gap between them, and Jinki fidgeted in his seat. 

“Have you still talked to them though?” he pressed on.

Jonghyun averted his eyes, twisting his beer glass in a circle on the table. “Oh, I don’t know...they’re kind of used to people coming and going. Haven’t really reached out.” 

Jinki frowned, something about Jonghyun’s tone not sitting well with him. He felt the urge to pry, to ask for more than Jonghyun had slowly been revealing to him. He took another gulp of his beer to chase that urge away, finishing off his glass. Jonghyun did the same, punctuating his last swallow with an exaggerated ‘ahh.’ A soft pink color had started blooming across his cheeks. 

“This place is great, Jinki,” Jonghyun ignored the fact that Jinki hadn’t responded to the comment about New York, and he shoved another spoonful of food in his mouth. “You always have the best taste.”

Jinki giggled. Jonghyun was getting hungrier and louder as the night wore on, but Jinki had only counted two glasses of beer so far. Even as the ambient noise of restaurant chatter hummed around them he felt like their table was their own small corner of the world as he tried to stop himself from zoning out in the glow of Jonghyun’s eyes. 

“And I know the perfect place for dessert after, too,” Jinki grinned, already thinking of the bakery just around the corner with the best cakes and coffee. He’d visited it on so many early mornings before class, or after stressful days when he’d needed a treat. 

Jonghyun smiled, and he placed a hand over his heart in a mock swoon. “Dinner, drinks, and indulging my sweet tooth, too,” he said. He cupped the side of his face in his hand and leaned over the table on his elbow. Jinki felt warmth creeping back under his collar. “So nice to me.”

Jinki tried to look away, but Jonghyun’s gaze had gone soft, his shining eyes even brighter than Jinki remembered. He had been having trouble discerning whether that was the natural development of his face over time, or something else entirely. Jinki drew in a breath. 

“Of course I am,” he said. “Gotta show you around, just like I said.”

Jonghyun giggled, and a small hiccup escaped. He colored an even darker pink. Jinki’s heart couldn’t keep up. 

“Ah..seriously, I’m really revealing myself as a lightweight tonight,” Jonghyun said, covering his face with his hand in embarrassment. Jinki shook his head with a grin. It was so easy for him to get caught up in Jonghyun’s infectious energy.

“It suits you,” he said, feeling the smallest bit emboldened by the proximity of their faces, by the yellow-orange lights above them that distributed warmth throughout the room. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jonghyun laughed, the sound of it spread through Jinki’s body from his toes to his ears. Jinki shrugged, losing the thread of the thought that had inspired his comment just as soon as it had come to him.

He sighed, reality hanging over him stubbornly no matter how much he wanted to lose himself in the moment and turn it into something it wasn’t. Jonghyun’s foot nudged his knee under the table, the most pleasant accident. 

“I don’t know, but I’m ready for some cake,” he said, standing up to head to the counter and pay. Jonghyun happily agreed, looking the slightest bit dazed as he picked himself up off the floor. 

As they made their way down the street to the bakery, a soft breeze blew Jonghyun’s hair off his forehead and Jinki was thankful for the cool weather. Lights in shop windows and street lamps twinkled, highlighting the pavement in front of them and the faces of groups of people enjoying the city for the night. Jonghyun walked slow—motor skills a bit impaired from his drinking—Jinki realized with a tug to his heart. He wanted to reach out and steady him with a hand on his arm, but even the casual kinds of touches they used to share made him nervous.

When they had almost arrived at the bakery, laughter from the convenience store down the street made them turn their heads. It was a small group of teenagers exiting the store, carrying snacks and soda as they talked amongst themselves. Jonghyun smiled fondly.

“I know we aren’t that old, but those days still feel like so long ago,” he commented, that wistful smile Jinki had come to recognize stretching across his face. “I went to the store by my house a few days ago. That guy who worked there when we were kids was still behind the counter, like always.” 

Jonghyun turned towards Jinki, then looked up at the moon. “I like that some things never change.”

Jinki followed Jonghyun’s line of sight up to the sky. The moon glowed blue through a gap in the winding line of buildings that stretched out as far as they could see. It curved into darkness about halfway through its center, not yet full but promising to be soon.

“Me too,” Jinki said.

  


  
\---

  


bumkeyk: who is he

dlstmxkakwldrl: …

bumkeyk: -_-  
bumkeyk: i know you met someone jinki

dlstmxkakwldrl: ?

bumkeyk: taemin told me of course  
bumkeyk: ive been forced to hang out with him now that you havent been around  
bumkeyk: …  
bumkeyk: at least send me a picture of him or something!

dlstmxkakwldrl: its nothing, he’s just my high school friend. he moved away but he came back.  
dlstmxkakwldrl: thats all.

bumkeyk: wait  
bumkeyk: you got an email from someone  
bumkeyk: and i remember i thought that was so weird because it wasnt a text notification  
bumkeyk: thats him isnt it !!

dlstmxkakwldrl: ...like i said, just a high school friend.

bumkeyk: haha  
bumkeyk: i dont believe you  
bumkeyk: i wanna meet him

Read, 11:25 am.

  


  
\---

  


Kibum and Taemin were the only two people in the world who knew Jinki was gay. He kept thinking about that as they rode the subway together to the restaurant Jonghyun had picked out for dinner with his high school band. 

Kibum had enthusiastically agreed when Jinki had half-heartedly extended the invitation after a text from Jonghyun asking Jinki again to please bring his friends. Jinki hadn’t been able to resist the cute emoticon that Jonghyun had sent along with it.

Taemin hadn’t been hard to convince, but the conversation had been awkward for Jinki. Somehow, even though he knew Taemin wasn’t harboring hard feelings about how things had turned out for the two of them, Jinki felt a sense of dread in his stomach when he’d tried to casually mention the dinner to him. Although he trusted Taemin to keep his feelings quiet around strangers, it didn’t help Jinki’s nerves that he knew Taemin had picked up on his crush on Jonghyun before even meeting him. 

That was how their friendship had developed from the beginning, with Taemin’s intuitive and ability to pick up on Jinki’s emotions before Jinki even knew what they were. When they’d first locked eyes across the threshold separating their apartments, Jinki felt that tug, something drawing the two of them into each other’s space like it was inevitable that they would become close. 

His trust in Kibum had been the product of a misguided attempt on Kibum’s part at trying to introduce Jinki to one of his friends only a week after they’d known each other. It had caused Jinki to hide in his apartment for days, fearful that everyone automatically knew he was gay and unsure of how they did. Kibum had apologized sincerely as soon as he’d realized his misstep. From then on, Jinki had known his deeply understanding heart; the way he kept it buried close to his chest and away from harm.

While he’d been lucky in his discovery of friends, he couldn’t help feeling that these people from his current life would crash and collide with the people from his past, before he’d come to know himself better. He scratched at his throat where his shirt collar was rubbing against it. 

“Don’t mess with it too much or it won’t sit right,” Kibum advised, voice soft rather than overly critical. He smoothed down the edge of it with quick fingers. Jinki shared a thankful smile with him. 

Taemin was reading subway ads absentmindedly, his eyes trailing off in any direction they decided they wanted to take. Conversation seemed less important than reflection, and Jinki’s nerves were keeping his mouth shut anyway. 

It had been a couple weeks since his solo dinner with Jonghyun, and they’d gone out together a few times since for casual drinks. Jinki still felt jittery every time, but he found himself floating through the air on his way home each night, the ambiguous scent of Jonghyun’s perfume lingering on his arm from where he’d touched him when he got tipsy and handsy.

When it was just the two of them, Jinki could handle it. He took what he could get and he stopped himself from going any further, just let himself be grateful that he had the opportunity to look at Jonghyun. When they separated themselves from places of memory, Jinki could almost pretend that his crush hadn’t been an ache in his gut for years, and that it was something entirely new and promising. 

The ride to the restaurant felt too short, and soon the three of them were standing in front of the building, with a clear view through the window of Jonghyun laughing at something Youngbae said from across the barbecue grill. Jinki gulped. 

Inside, Jonghyun was loose and relaxed sitting against the wall, low cut t-shirt making Jinki feel stuffy and hot in his button up. His face lit up when he noticed Jinki trying to approach without being announced. Jonghyun was clearly already two drinks in because his call of Jinki’s name was loud enough to turn heads at other tables. Jinki blushed and inclined his head to the other band members as politely as he could. 

“Lee Jinki? What’s this, a whole band reunion tour?” Youngbae’s speaking voice had always been boisterous, and the alcohol only made it louder as he leaned over to pull Jinki into a friendly hug and tug him closer towards the table. “I can’t believe this, you both look so much younger than me.”

Jinki laughed as well as he could, still feeling awkwardness brimming from all sides. Jonghyun waved a dismissive hand at Youngbae and turned a smile up at Jinki.

“Glad you could make it,” he said, patting the spot next to him in invitation. Jinki scratched at his collar again, feeling the warmth from Jonghyun’s body reaching out to him as he settled in the seat.

Kibum and Taemin introduced themselves as they squeezed around the table, politely nodding their heads and saying quiet greetings. Youngbae and Hyunwoo enthusiastically poured drinks for everyone, and Jonghyun nudged Jinki in the direction of a piece of meat that was almost done cooking. He grinned as he swiped it from the grill plate while Youngbae was distracted. 

Jinki laughed, tension easing from his shoulders slightly as he filled up on soju and meat. Awkward pauses lapsed between the moment of conversation, mostly directed by Youngbae. They were the kinds of silences that could hardly be avoided when people didn’t know each other, but Jinki had been fearing them all the same. Youngbae placed a few more pieces of meat on the grill.

“Well, Jonghyun’s studio is coming along nicely if I say so myself,” he said to cut through one of the quiet moments. “Pretty soon you’ll be able to start recording that song we’ve been talking about,” he grinned his wide-toothed smile at Jonghyun and nodded around at everyone else like they knew of the song too.

“Ah, let’s hope so,” Jonghyun replied with a faint line of worry across his face. His eyes flicked over to Jinki, and Jinki reminded himself that the blush he saw on Jonghyun’s cheeks wasn’t because of anything but alcohol. “If you actually bring me those speakers you’ve been talking about then maybe we’ll get somewhere.”

Youngbae let out a howl of laughter. Jinki fidgeted. The two of them talked with a familariarty like they’d been hanging out everyday for years. He realized that with both of them not working 9-5 jobs it left them free to bond over the studio project while Jinki was otherwise occupied in his office. He felt a pointless pang of jealousy not dissimilar to ones he had felt in high school. 

“Oh, so you write music Jonghyun?” Kibum asked from the other side of Minho, and Jinki was grateful for the interjection from someone else. Kibum was good at leading conversations.

“Since we were in high school, and he’s only improving everyday,” Youngbae answered, much to Jinki’s chagrin.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes fondly. “Enough with the flattery,” he said, a playful grin lighting up his expression. “Youngbae has heard some sneak peeks since he’s been helping me set up, but you guys should all come over once its finished.”

Youngbae grinned and poured Jonghyun another drink. “He’s really a poet, with some of the things he’s been writing,” he said, looking at Jonghyun with a knowing glint in his eyes that Jinki didn’t like.

“Hush, you’re drunk,” Jonghyun chastised, and sent a playful swat to his arm. Jinki’s jealousy grew like a beast as he remembered how just a few days prior Jonghyun had tapped his arm in much the same way after he’d said a cheesy pun. He looked away quickly.

“Jinki-hyung never told us about the band,” Taemin piped up from the other side of Kibum, and Jinki felt sweat beading along his forehead at the sound of his name. 

“Really?” Jonghyun asked, turning to face Jinki with a questioning look. He blushed and smiled sheepishly.

“I mean, I was only the manager,” he tried to defend himself.

“Got us our first gig, though,” Hyunwoo smirked. Jinki laughed along as much as he could. 

“Didn’t I tell you the manager is the most important member?” Jonghyun continued, nudging Jinki’s arm with his. He shot a glance at Taemin. “Trust me, he did a lot more than he’s giving himself credit for.”

Jinki’s cheeks felt as hot as the grill in front of them, and he shrugged in half-agreement. He could feel Taemin’s smile from across the table. “Thanks, guys,” he mumbled, trying to signal that he was done with the conversation by turning some pieces of meat with the tongs. 

“And what did you do?” Jinki heard Kibum ask Minho beside him. The two of them were sitting close, with Kibum’s arm inching its way into Minho’s personal space as subtly as he could manage. Jinki was familiar with Kibum’s flirtation tactics though, and he felt a stab of fear in his gut.

“Oh, just played the drums badly,” Minho said with a good-natured smile, stretching out his arm so that it casually met Kibum’s. Kibum’s eyes flashed.

“You need to give yourself credit, too,” Youngbae said. “If nothing else, no one could say you weren’t dedicated.”

Minho laughed, and Kibum’s cackle could be heard joining alongside it. Jinki saw his fingers brush the underside of Minho’s wrist in a quick gesture, but not quick enough to not be noticeable. He tried to give Kibum a warning glare, but it was pointedly ignored. 

“Well, I’d like to see that some time,” he said with a smirk that Jinki knew couldn’t be obvious to only him. Minho chuckled and smiled, though, and their bodies continued to press together at every edge. 

Jinki felt his throat closing up and he turned to face the group, studying each of their reactions. Everyone was absorbed in their food or drink, though, and Jinki decided they were either all so drunk that they hadn’t been aware of the blatant flirting, or they were deciding to ignore it completely. He didn’t know which was worse. 

“Well it was a short-lived affair, but it was a glorious one,” Youngbae concluded with a sweeping gesture of his arm as he leaned back in his chair. “Maybe we really should get the band back together. It’s not like I’m doing anything these days.”

Jonghyun rolled his eyes and laughed. “Where was that energy five years ago when I first asked?” 

Youngbae shrugged, and downed another shot of soju. “We all had our dreams.”

Jonghyun’s arm brushed Jinki’s as he reached over to grab another piece of meat. “I suppose dreams do change,” he conceded. 

“That’s what’s so great about them,” Youngbae smiled. 

At the end of the meal, Jonghyun and Youngbae exchanged a hug that made Jinki’s chest hurt, and they waved each other off at the door. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early,” Youngbae teased. Jonghyun shook his head in laughter, calling at him from down the sidewalk as the two of them separated. 

“That all depends on your hangover, you bastard!”

Jinki stood like a third wheel under the streetlight, watching Kibum’s fingers flying over his phone keyboard and Taemin’s eyes travel up the road. Jonghyun had offered to walk them to the station, even though it wasn’t far at all. Youngbae had led Hyunwoo and Minho off in the opposite direction, and Jinki felt unnecessarily angry. 

“He’s seriously crazy,” Jonghyun laughed as he turned toward the three of them. “It was so nice to meet you, though” he said to Kibum and Taemin. “Even if we didn’t get to talk a lot.”

Kibum smiled politely, his shrewd eyes sparkling as he looked him over. Jinki knew that look, and he knew it signalled prying later. “You too,” he said. “And I really would like to hear your music sometime, and some embarrassing stories about Jinki.”

Jonghyun let out a loud laugh, and Jinki blushed, sending Kibum an annoyed glare. “Oh, don’t worry. I have a few good ones.”

Taemin tugged on Kibum’s shirt sleeve. “We can go on ahead,” he offered, glancing between Jonghyun and Jinki with a look that knew too much. “I have to get home for a League event anyway.”

Kibum snorted and rolled his eyes. “Why am I not surprised?” he said, but he flashed a raised eyebrow at Jinki before they headed off.

“Nice to meet you,” Taemin bowed to Jonghyun, and the two of them went whispering into the dark.

Jinki felt ridiculous, moody and irritated at how easy Jonghyun and Youngbae were getting along, but Jonghyun came to stand close to him, and the moon was reflected in his eyes. 

“Thanks for bringing them,” Jonghyun said, and their shoulders touched when he joined Jinki in leaning against the street lamp post. Jinki sucked in a breath. 

“Of course,” he replied, averting his eyes but unable to ignore the rounded curve of Jonghyun’s shoulder, or the understated scent of his perfume that wafted across the space between them. “It was nice to see everyone again.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun smiled. “It really was.”

Jinki nodded, feeling too tired to trust his words. “Goodnight, Jonghyun,” he said as he turned to follow Kibum and Taemin. 

“Goodnight, Jinki,” Jonghyun replied, his pretty voice ringing out in the slowly emptying street. “See you soon.”

As he nestled himself in the seat next to Taemin, Jinki sat deep in thought as the subway car traveled smoothly along the track. He knew he had no claim to Jonghyun, and couldn’t stop him from doing anything he wanted. Jinki had known that fact since high school, but the burn of his affection for him stunted every rational thought. He wanted the closeness Youngbae and Jonghyun seemed to share, but he wanted that and even more. It was more than he was permitted, and he had to remind himself of that as Kibum’s narrowed eyes locked with his.

“There’s something about him,” he said. 

Jinki looked at him blankly. “What’s ‘something’?” 

Kibum turned his face to the subway door. “I don’t know, but you look at him like…”  
He trailed off, eyes narrowing even further and neat eyebrows coming together in a contemplative line. “It’s like you know him so well, but there’s always going to be more you want to know.”

Jinki shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Taemin looked serious. 

“Is that a good thing?” 

“I don’t know,” Kibum said, turning back towards him. “I guess you’ll have to find out.”

  


  
\---

  


A Saturday night in the middle of June found Jinki and Jonghyun in the same convenience store that had seen them grow steadily through time from young kids to overconfident teenagers. It was the same store, and the same table where the two of them had sat years before, shielded from the freezing cold while Jonghyun had broken the news of his departure. 

Earlier in the evening, Jonghyun had surprised Jinki by showing up to his apartment unannounced. He’d received the address from Kibum, the two of them having found each other easily on Instagram. Jinki hadn’t been too fond of that, but Jonghyun looked especially handsome with his hair tousled like he’d just woken up, and a sleeveless shirt that was so reminiscent of high school. 

It had taken less convincing than Jinki liked for Jonghyun to get him to agree to the train ride over to their old neighborhood, after dinner near Jinki’s apartment and drinks that Jonghyun paid for. On the subway, Jinki had blinked slowly against the lights at Jonghyun’s arms, and the way they were soft and filled out with muscle in a different way than they’d been in his teenage years. 

Jinki’s buzz had made his desire for a snack stronger once they’d reached their neighborhood and made their way to the store. Inside, Jonghyun waved cheerfully to the clerk and Jinki couldn’t resist the laugh that tumbled out. 

Sitting in their familiar seats by the microwaves, Jinki shoveled chips into his mouth and slurped at the can of beer he’d bought. Jonghyun looked relaxed and warm across from him, legs splayed out and arms animated as he told Jinki about Youngbae’s mishap with buying the wrong speaker for the studio. Jinki laughed along, but felt his pulse thumping when Jonghyun tilted his head and took a long gulp of beer, muscles in his neck straining with a sheen of sweat that was a product of the humid night. 

“I’m drinking so much, Jinki, you shouldn’t let me do this,” Jonghyun teased as they finished off their snacks. Jinki bit back the comment that immediately came to mind, which was about how cute Jonghyun was when his talkativeness increased with his alcohol consumption. 

“It’s okay, I’ll buy you a bottle of water and we can start leveling out the playing field,” Jinki replied, feeling brave enough to play along and poke gentle fun at him.

Jonghyun giggled and covered his face as he laughed, like he was trying to keep the sound from tumbling out all at once. “Did you always tease me so much?” 

Jinki blushed and looked down at his empty bag of chips, feeling embarrassed at how obvious he was being. “Hmm..I can’t remember,” he said, his eyes traveling slowly to his hand sitting on the edge of the table. “Does it bother you?”

Jonghyun’s face went soft and he leaned in close, touching Jinki’s arm with a brief brush of his fingers that felt longer than it was, each of Jinki’s senses heightened in his tipsy state. He replayed the feeling of his fingertips pressing into his bare skin as Jonghyun spoke. 

“Of course it doesn’t bother me,” he said. “Not at all.”

Jinki lifted his head and looked into Jonghyun’s eyes, the way they swam with an unnameable emotion. He rubbed his own eyes as he tried to figure out what it could mean, Jonghyun’s words and that ambiguous expression.

“That’s good,” he mumbled stupidly, feeling his brain clouding over with all the thoughts he was trying to process at such an ill-suited time. Jonghyun smiled and leaned his chin on his hands. His cheeks were soft and pink and Jinki tried to think of what to say besides complimenting them.

“Actually, I like it,” Jonghyun continued. His eyes were deepening with something serious and thoughtful. “It’s funny, and I always thought you were funny.”

Jinki’s stomach swooped at the honesty. “They don’t have funny people in New York City?” he asked quietly, half-way between a joke and a real question.

Jonghyun’s shoulders shook with a hushed laugh. “That’s the thing,” he explained, letting out a sigh. “It wasn’t...easy to make friends.” He blushed as he admitted it, nervously avoiding Jinki’s eyes. “I mean, I was a college-aged adult but I wasn’t in school, and I couldn’t speak fluent English. People were nice to me, but it was hard to have a deep connection.”

He glanced back up, looking more vulnerable than Jinki had ever seen him. “It was kind of scary, being alone like that.”

Jinki felt the rush of euphoria from their night settling down into a steady calm around them. He reached out and touched one of Jonghyun’s folded arms, inching too close to the curve of his jaw and the pink of his bottom lip. 

“I’m sorry,” Jinki said quietly. Jonghyun smiled and nudged into his touch.

“It’s okay,” he assured him with a shrug. “I was too young to know what I was doing. I just wanted life to move so fast.”

Jinki nodded in understanding, and took his hand away before the moment extended too long. He wanted to pull Jonghyun into a hug, to feel their bodies pressed together in simple affection like they used to. They hadn’t shared one since the moment at the airport had left Jinki’s brain heavy with the smell of Jonghyun’s perfume and desperately wanting to pull him closer. It had felt appropriate at that time, to hug when they hadn’t seen each other in years. Now, enough time had passed that it felt awkward to reintroduce the idea. 

“It seems like you have good people in your life, though,” Jonghyun continued, not minding the silence that filled the space between them. “I’m happy for you.”

Jinki smiled and looked away. His skin was warm from all the drinking, and Jonghyun’s body heat seemed to reach out to his too as they sat there only centimeters apart. Jinki watched the line of his arm, the way it extended across the table and sat near his. They stared at each other and listened to the hum of the refrigerators and the soft crinkle of the newspaper that the clerk was still reading, after all this time.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Jinki admitted, eyes hazy with drunkenness. Their hands were so close that Jinki could almost imagine they were touching. “I kind of never thought you would be.”

Jonghyun’s fingers came to rest on Jinki’s, and Jinki’s slightly spinning vision halted to a stop, fixated on the point of contact. “Me neither,” Jonghyun said, a quiet whisper. 

Jinki smiled, and clasped their pointer fingers together with a quick tug that made the butterflies in his stomach dance. They stayed there for a moment, staring at each other across the table they knew so well. The table was old, white plastic that was dingy in color from multitudes of food and drink stains over the years. It had seen countless customers at all hours of the night, and still it sat unchanged from how it had been the last time he’d looked at Jonghyun from across its surface. It had served as a stop for a quick snack, a place to go in times of desperate measure, or a little pocket of the universe where he and Jonghyun came together in late hours when emotions started to spill over. 

“Would you like me to walk you to the station?” Jonghyun offered when Jinki’s eyes had begun to slip closed as his tiredness mixed with his drunkenness.

“Oh—it’s okay,” he said, looking out across the road at his old house. “I think I’ll just stay at my parents’ for the night. They won’t mind.”

Jonghyun smiled and nodded, looking behind him at the sidewalk that took him to his place. “I had a great night. It was impromptu, kind of fun that way.”

Jinki grinned back. “Next time I’ll surprise you.”

“I hope you’ll keep that promise,” Jonghyun said, flashing a cheeky smirk as he turned to walk home.

As he padded up the walkway to his house, extra house key that he used for such emergencies slipped back into the safety of his wallet, Jinki was halfway tempted to go upstairs and open the door to his bedroom. His feet took him to the threshold, hand hovering over the railing, but at the last second he stopped himself. His body swayed as he flopped down on the couch instead, sinking into its cushions and slipping into sleep.

  


  
\---

  


realjonghyun90: jinki-yah  
realjonghyun90: my studio is finished!  
realjonghyun90: i want you to be the first person who sees it~

dlstmxkakwldrl: :D  
dlstmxkakwldrl: all your hard work really paid off.

realjonghyun90: ^^  
realjonghyun90: saturday at 2? mom said she’ll make lunch~

dlstmxkakwldrl: i’ll be there!

realjonghyun90: i can’t wait ^^

  


  
\---

  


Jinki stood facing Jonghyun’s house, its gate left ajar like Jonghyun said it would be. The weather was humid and sticky, and it did nothing to help the anxiety that had been building in his gut all morning. A layer of sweat was already shining on his forehead, but the thought of taking that first step through the gate and into the house had frozen him still.

To be alone together again in the privacy of a bedroom was what Jinki had been secretly craving, but he feared the intimacy of it, the way it would heighten his affections beyond reason. The physical closeness he and Jonghyun had previously shared only lived in their adolescence. He knew that in their 20s they couldn’t as easily place blame on overly excited hormones anymore.

Jinki took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The shrill bark of a small dog answered him. 

A little dachshund with stubby legs and a round belly poked her head out to greet Jinki, and Jonghyun’s smiling face soon followed. 

“Roo! Roo-yah!” Jonghyun giggled as he tried to keep her from running outside. “Be nice to our guest!”

Jinki laughed, feeling his heart soar at the cutesy voice Jonghyun did when he talked to the puppy. The nervousness that had been eating away at him slowly began to back down, replaced with the lightness Jonghyun exuded. 

“Noona’s puppy she adopted a couple years ago,” Jonghyun explained as Roo lost interest in Jinki and shuffled behind Jonghyun’s feet. “But she’s really taken a liking to me.” 

Jinki crouched down on his knees and patted them, beckoning Roo to come closer. She made a curious sniffling sound, and cautiously stepped forward to let Jinki pet her ears and head. Jonghyun leaned down too, and Roo immediately flopped over on her back. He laughed and rubbed her belly vigorously. 

“She loves when I do that,” he said, eyes alight with admiration. With the both of them crouched down, Jinki was hyper-aware of the contact of their knees, the freshly-washed smell of Jonghyun’s clothes and hair, and the graceful stretch of his arm reaching out to pat Roo’s soft tummy. 

Jinki grinned. “She’s so cute,” he said, and when Jonghyun looked up their eyes locked, faces so close that a slight breeze could push Jinki forward and their lips would touch. It would be so easy to cross the short distance, to bump noses and share a nervous breath before pressing together and letting everything else melt around them. Jonghyun blinked.

“Lee Jinki!” Sodam’s cheerful voice cut through the tension, and Roo wiggled out of Jonghyun’s grasp to rush at her feet. 

Jonghyun quickly glanced down, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. Jinki tried to fight his own bashful smile, clearing his throat awkwardly as he stood up to greet Sodam. 

“I know it’s been a long time,” Jinki said apologetically. He felt Jonghyun stand up next to him.

“Come here!” Sodam said, tugging on Jinki’s shirt sleeve to pull him into a friendly hug. Roo’s barking started up again, and Jinki felt the commotion of her running around at their feet. Jonghyun giggled and tried to grab Roo’s attention with his energetic calls of her name, and the lovable chaos of their home welcomed him warmly.

“Hope you’re hungry because lunch is almost ready,” Sodam said as she let Jinki go from her tight hug and turned to walk towards the kitchen. “Jonghyun’s been complaining because he only woke up an hour ago and still hasn’t eaten.”

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. “It’s not like I choose to be unable to sleep at normal hours,” he said with a whiny pout. 

“Spending all night writing lyrics and humming to yourself?” she teased with a raised eyebrow. Jonghyun bumped shoulders with her playfully, never hard enough to actually hurt. 

“Exactly. I do it because I can’t fall asleep!” he defended himself, eyes going wide.

Sodam giggled and shot Jinki a look. “It’s too easy to make him mad.”

Jinki laughed and nodded in agreement. Jonghyun shook his hair out of his face with a troubled huff, but his eyes were still gleaming with mirth. “Don’t try to get him on your side! He’s my best friend.”

Jinki’s heart rate picked up at that. He hadn’t heard Jonghyun call him his best friend since he’d been back in Korea, hadn’t realized how much that title of such childhood importance would still resonate. He couldn’t hide his pleased smile.

“I know, I know,” Sodam said, eyes going soft. She and Jonghyun shared a secretive look, one that knew something Jinki didn’t. He shared one with Roo instead, her friendly eyes sparkling as her tongue flopped out. 

“Come on,” Jonghyun said, breaking his and Sodam’s gaze. He nudged Jinki’s shoulder. “I really am starving.”

His mother had made enough food to feed a group twice their size, and Jinki happily dug in. She kept encouraging Jinki to take seconds of everything, worrying that he hadn’t had any good meals since moving away from home. He felt comfortable being back in her presence, another note of familiarity that was easier than expected to become accustomed to again. 

After Jinki had eaten more than he needed to and Jonghyun’s mother had exhausted her list of questions about what he was up to these days, Jonghyun tugged on his arm and inclined his head towards the stairs leading to his bedroom.

The little room that Jinki had known so well was entirely transformed, the spot where Jonghyun’s bed used to be replaced by a high tech soundboard and expensive-looking microphone with soundproof paneling lining the wall. At the opposite end, a keyboard and a couple of guitars leaned against sturdy stands framed by a collection of amps and speakers off to the side. A fake fireplace that Jinki had never seen before adorned the back wall, and its shelf held a row of scented candles and stacks of books. 

In the corner by the window, Jonghyun’s clothes hung on a rack in neat rows, a metal wire basket underneath stuffed with dark colored bedding. Next to it was his old desk, clunky computer replaced with a much newer model, and the same desk chair he’d always used in high school.

Jinki’s gaze landed on the sheets of music leaning against the keyboard. Jonghyun blushed and hastily gathered them up in a pile. “Unfinished lyrics,” he explained, tossing them in a folder laying on the desk. “Not good enough to show yet.”

Jinki smiled. “Better than you think, I bet.”

Jonghyun shook his head and looked at his feet, the blush on his cheeks not dissipating. “I hardly deserve that flattery.”

“Really, Jonghyun—it looks great,” Jinki said, turning in a circle to take in the room again. “I’m so impressed.”

“Didn’t think I could do it?” Jonghyun teased, mostly joking.

“Knew you could.”

Jonghyun averted his eyes and a moment of silence passed. Jinki’s was drawn to the fireplace again, how it suited Jonghyun so well to have a spot that represented warmth and comfort in his workspace. 

“Where’d you get the fireplace?” Jinki asked, walking closer to it. 

“Sodam helped me pick it out,” Jonghyun said, following Jinki. He gestured to the floor in front of it. “I usually roll out my bedding and lay here at night. It’s really relaxing.”

He plopped down on the spot he was talking about and sat cross-legged, looking into the fireplace. “Even though the flames aren’t real, they’re kind of hypnotizing in their own way.”

Jinki joined him, and their knees knocked together again as they sat across from one another and stared into the fire. “They are,” Jinki agreed. 

“I know this room must be unrecognizable,” Jonghyun said, leaning back on his hands and looking around. “But I wanted a place to work without sacrificing being home. I wanted to be with Mom and Sodam everyday.”

“I still recognize it,” Jinki reassured him. “You always sat at that chair and played your bass.” He pointed at the old desk chair. “And when you got frustrated you swiveled around in it really fast and smacked the computer keyboard as you played video games.”

Jonghyun threw his head back in loud laughter, eyes scrunching up and teeth showing as his shoulders shook. He sighed and smiled sheepishly. “Ah, really...I was so dramatic.”

Jinki let his eyes trail around the room, eventually focusing on the folder where Jonghyun had hidden his compositions-in-progress. He remembered Jonghyun’s excitement in some of his early emails, how he’d been busking in the park near his apartment and earned enough money to buy his lunch and dinner. He remembered him playing a small show with his roommates—a house party with twenty or so attendees. He couldn’t remember many of the other updates, large portions had always remained vague. 

Jonghyun caught him staring and followed his line of sight. “Youngbae made you too curious,” he said, laughing. “He talked my songs up a lot, but don’t expect much.”

Jinki snapped out of his reverie and turned to look at him. “No, you’ve been working on your skills for years. All that time has to have counted for something.”

Jonghyun blushed and hid his eyes. He tore some fuzz from his pant leg distractedly, soft hair falling in front of his face and shielding him from Jinki’s view. Jinki waited, feeling like they were on the cusp of a moment that had been building for a while. 

“You really believe in me, Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun mumbled, using his full name—that habit from high school that made Jinki’s heart flutter endlessly.

“Of course I do. You’re my best friend.”

Jinki could see the small smile curve up Jonghyun’s face even under the curtain of his hair. “In New York...I told you I hadn’t made many friends, but I also didn’t make much music.”

Jinki stayed silent, watching the sun from the open window brighten Jonghyun’s bare arms, glinting off the bracelet around his wrist. 

“Or much money, for that matter.” Jonghyun lifted his head and gave a sad smile. “I tried to get involved with local bands, I went busking everyday until it wasn’t enough for me to afford my expenses.” He looked at the ceiling in thought. “I don’t know what I expected. I eventually just started working as a dishwasher at a restaurant in Koreatown.” 

He laughed at himself and shook his head again, but he looked Jinki in the eyes instead of hiding in shame. “I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.”

Jinki shifted closer, tentatively placing his hand on top of his in a gesture of comfort. Jonghyun smiled, eyes wide and watery. Jinki held his breath. 

“I feel like I made a fool of myself, rushing to get out of here so fast that I didn’t stop to think.” 

“You wouldn’t have known until you tried,” Jinki said. Jonghyun nodded, looking at their hands. He slowly slipped his fingers under Jinki’s palm—squeezing it tightly. 

“I really missed it here,” Jonghyun whispered. With their faces this close, Jinki noticed the way Jonghyun’s dark eyelashes curled gently at the ends. “I missed my mom, missed my sister.” 

A quiet tear rolled down Jonghyun’s cheek. Jinki wanted to reach up, to cup his face and wipe the tear away gently with the pad of his thumb. He wanted to kiss his eyelids, his forehead, and his nose until he felt his smile blooming across his face like a spring flower from snow.

“I missed you,” Jinki said the words carefully and softly, low and private in the non-existent distance that separated their bodies. He had never admitted it properly. 

Jonghyun let out a surprised noise. He lifted his head, eyes lined with shiny tears but brimming with tender emotion. He tilted his head and smiled. “You did?” 

Jinki nodded, trying not to show how deeply that truth ran. 

“I missed you too, Jinki,” Jonghyun said. “I really did.” 

“It’s kind of funny,” Jinki continued. He took a breath to steady himself. “We did everything together, for so many years.” 

“And then suddenly we didn’t,” Jonghyun finished the thought. “It felt weird to me too.” 

Jinki smiled, feeling that urge to kiss him again. He ignored it and pushed it away as much as he could, willing himself not to misread the moment and act on impulse. 

“I think I really needed to reconnect with the past,” Jonghyun said, sniffling quietly as his eyes began to dry. “To make music that’s meaningful, I need to be somewhere familiar, but still inspiring. I alienated myself without realizing it.” 

Their hands were still clasped, and Jinki’s felt sweaty but he gave a reassuring tug that pulled Jonghyun the smallest bit closer. “I don’t know if you would’ve come to that conclusion if you hadn’t left.” 

Jonghyun stared at the wall in thought. “We think so differently, but your thoughts always balance out mine.” 

“I guess that’s a good thing?” Jinki asked. 

“You always say what I need to hear,” Jonghyun replied, soft gaze coming back to meet Jinki’s. “I’m grateful.”

Jinki’s cheeks burned, basking in Jonghyun’s honesty and more than happy to hear it, but still unable to mask his shyness. Jonghyun had always made him feel the most comfortable and yet the most flustered. 

“I think…” Jinki started, eyes on their hands and heart pounding in frantic tempo. “You do the same for me.” 

Jonghyun’s face lit up in a warm glow, but there was a hint of doubt in his eyes. “I’m not sure how. You were always driven to do what you needed to do. I just went flying off course.” 

Jinki shook his head, brow creasing in a frown. “In high school I pushed myself to study, to do well, to do all those things we’re taught to do because I was more scared than anything.” He realized it was the first time he’d said that out loud. He bit his lip. “You were braver than me, and I needed someone like that.”

Jonghyun looked like he was about to cry again, and he sucked in a shaky breath. Jinki’s ears rang with the vulnerability of what he’d shared, but he felt lighter and less a bundle of nerves than he’d been when he’d arrived. In the back of his mind sat the confession he wanted to say, but just the feeling of speaking openly after so much time reminded him of the inseparability of his and Jonghyun’s friendship. 

“Ah—really, always the crybaby,” Jonghyun said, wiping his eye where another set of tears had formed. Jinki smiled and squeezed his hand, leaning forward to nudge their arms against each other. 

“You just have big emotions,” he said.

Jonghyun tilted his head and smiled, close-lipped and sweet. He paused thoughtfully, a curious crease forming in the middle of his brows. “Yeah, I do,” he said, as if he had suddenly come to some kind of inner conclusion. He studied Jinki for a moment, and Jinki felt his cheeks getting hot. He laughed awkwardly.

Jonghyun’s gaze travelled down to their clasped hands, and a pink blush reached the tips of his ears. They both fumbled their grasp apart at the same time, smiles nervous and caught up in all the honest emotion. 

Jonghyun pulled his crossed legs up to his chest. “You know...I’ve been thinking,” he began.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking that I kind of want to take a trip...to Jeju,” Jonghyun continued, studying the place where his knees bumped into each other. “I’d like to visit my grandma, but it would also just be nice to go there again.”

“Somewhere inspiring, yet still familiar?” Jinki said, recalling their earlier conversation. Jonghyun smiled bashfully.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said. His eyes flicked up to Jinki’s for a brief moment before he continued. “Actually, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go with me.”

Jinki blinked. A rush of feelings overcame him, his thoughts blurring together in a haze of memory—the smell of the water, the crashing of waves, the warm sun kissing Jonghyun’s skin, the sound of his laughter and the quiet of his voice in the dark. 

“We won’t stay at my grandma’s this time though, of course,” Jonghyun said, embarrassed when Jinki didn’t answer right away. 

He blinked again, felt terrified and exhilarated at the same time. “I’d love to go.”

“Really?” Jonghyun said, perking up instantly with an excited grin. 

“Of course,” Jinki said. “I have some vacation time in July, so it works perfectly.”

Jonghyun’s smile outshone the late afternoon sun that was coming in through the windows and casting its light across their faces. Jinki’s heart thumped loud enough that he thought the microphone in the corner could’ve picked up on it. He didn’t think of the implications of going on a trip with no one else but Jonghyun, of sharing space indefinitely for a week or more, of going back to the place where Jinki had first started to understand the truth of his feelings. 

Instead, he thought of Jonghyun when he was scared and alone in a city he didn’t know. He thought of the strength of their connection that had refused to falter, and how important it was to have someone to call a friend.

  



	4. Jeju

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 물회, mulhoe: cold, spicy, raw fish soup ^^
> 
> also, this chapter contains the first of two sex scenes!

  
The sky opened up eternally blue and far reaching above them as Jonghyun sped them in their rental car down the highway and into Seogwipo. Jinki was surprised to remember certain scenery, trees and buildings that they’d driven past before when they’d looked out the back windows in awe. 

Jonghyun’s forearm muscles were on magnificent display in his sleeveless shirt, and Jinki’s heart rate increased at the confident way his hand sat on the steering wheel, his other arm leaning casually out of the open window. He looked cool, and Jinki almost laughed at himself for how childish that sounded in his head. 

The wind was blowing steadily, but not too harsh that it bothered Jinki as he stuck his head out the window to breathe it in. He remembered reading once that scent memory was by far the strongest kind, and the dizziness that came over him when he inhaled the sweet saltiness of the air served to prove that right. He saw a group of kids splashing in the water on the shore of the beach as the car zipped past and turned down a curved road. 

“Where are we going?” Jinki asked. The road was slightly uneven, rocky formations coming up on either side where the sandy beach area of the main drag in town turned into greener landscape. 

“Oh—grandma recommended it, actually,” Jonghyun said, but his voice was shy and distracted. He didn’t look at Jinki when he said it, just kept his eyes straight on the road. He’d been quiet since they’d arrived, but Jinki remembered his moods and how sometimes Jonghyun needed time to let himself think. 

He wondered what he could be thinking about, what could be on his mind. They were closer than they’d ever been, or at least that’s what Jinki thought. Still, they each kept some things hidden. Jinki knew he had good reasons for what he kept to himself, and he figured Jonghyun did too. 

The car slowed to a stop as they drove up a path leading to a small, modern-looking house. Its wide windows let in the bright sunshine, and a windchime made of seashells twinkled pleasantly on the overhanging porch. Across the road sat a similar looking building with a sign reading “Office” hanging by its front door. 

The grounds surrounding the houses were full of green, pops of color from flowers interspersing with clumps of trees. Fields and forests stretched out to one side, and when Jinki looked behind them he saw a view of the blue sea, and the small dots of buildings at the center of the city.

“It’s a guesthouse. I liked the scenery, and grandma thought we might enjoy just being away from the busier side of town,” Jonghyun blushed as he looked out the window. “The owners are really nice, I talked to them over the phone.”

Jinki smiled at Jonghyun’s thoughtfulness, already feeling giddy. “It’s really beautiful.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Jonghyun said, smile dancing on his lips like he couldn’t keep it off. “You can go in if you’d like. They told me they’d leave it unlocked, and I could just come into the office to get the key.”

Jinki nodded and stepped out of the car, watching the sturdy line of Jonghyun’s back as he crossed the road. His jeans were tight, fitting snugly on his muscular thighs. Those had been a new development that Jinki had slowly been noticing, and it made the back of his neck feel hot with embarrassment. 

He tugged his suitcase out of the backseat of the rental car and walked up the steps to the front door. Inside, natural light poured in so much that the lightswitch wasn’t necessary. A cozy kitchen sat to one side with a low wooden dining room table and comfortable looking seat cushions displayed around it. Jink wandered through the living room area where the windows were the biggest, sheer white curtains pulled back to reveal the view of the natural landscape. He saw Jonghyun smiling and waving to a middle aged man who stood halfway out of the office front door. Jinki’s chest was tight, realizing how good it felt just to watch Jonghyun do anything.

He turned around to explore more of the little house, to walk down the short hallway and find the door to the bathroom, and its opposite door that led to the bedroom. He stopped, breath catching in his throat. There was only one bedroom. 

Jinki faltered outside of the room, looking behind him at the couch and the open living room floor. He wondered briefly if Jonghyun had planned for one of them to sleep out there because his brain short-circuited when he tried to imagine sleeping next to Jonghyun again, breathing in his smell and feeling his body heat radiating across thin sheets. Jinki sat down his suitcase and timidly opened the door. The room’s windows showcased the spread of trees and fields behind the house, and a rocky pathway that led down to the shore. A low bed was pushed up against the wall with a small nightstand table perched next to it. The whole house felt like a mixture of old and new, and Jinki thought that seemed eerily fitting. He sat down carefully on the mattress, closing his eyes and inhaling slowly, listening to the sounds of birds chirping outside. 

When Jinki let out his breath with a loud exhale, Jonghyun’s voice piped up from just outside the door. 

“It only has one bedroom,” he said, walking in and leaning against the doorframe. He picked at his nails anxiously, avoiding Jinki’s eyes. “Um—I hope that’s okay? If not, I can always take the living room.”

“It’s fine,” Jinki said. “Don’t worry about it.”

Jonghyun grinned, and he looked so naturally beautiful just standing there. Jinki ached. 

“Grandma offered to make lunch today, then I thought we could go out for dinner tonight,” Jonghyun said, voice raising up on the end like it was a question and he was unsure of Jinki’s answer.

Jinki ignored the way it sounded like a date, instead reminding himself that they’d gone out to dinner together countless times, and that the context wouldn’t change just because their location did. He felt disjointed, caught up in the fresh beauty of the island and the thrill of sharing a bed again, unsure of where exactly they stood. Jinki swallowed his memories and nodded.

“Sounds perfect.”

The summer sun was at its peak as they drove the short distance to Jonghyun’s grandmother’s house, the unavoidable humidity sticking Jinki’s t-shirt to his arms with sweat. The bowls of ice-cold mulhoe that his grandma served them when they arrived were a refreshing relief in the blistering heat.

Jinki sipped his soup graciously, the clean flavor of the freshly caught cuttlefish mixing with the brightness of the spicy broth and crunchy vegetables to soothe his tired, sweaty body. They ate in the kitchen with the windows of the house open and the sea stretching out in the distance. Jonghyun’s grandma encouraged them to eat more than their fill, and Jinki felt his muscles relaxing in the calm of the afternoon.

“It’s nice to see you again, Jinki,” his grandmother said once they’d finished and Jonghyun was at the sink washing their dishes. She had that glint in her eye that Jinki remembered, like she could see things he couldn’t; like she’d carried a certain knowledge for years, dutifully waiting until the day she could reveal it. “Even back then I thought you two worked so well together.”

Jinki blushed at the way she phrased it. He tried not to let his eyes wander over to Jonghyun, to the slope of his back and the curve of his ankle in his indoor shoes and how they didn’t quite match his stylish jeans. His heart clenched. 

“Thank you,” Jinki said, as polite as he could manage. “I missed him a lot while he was away.”

She nodded solemnly, looking over at Jonghyun with a fond expression, eyebrows knitted together in thought. “He’s really special, isn’t he?”

Jinki hesitated, afraid that anything he said would give him away in an instant. He remembered the day they left Jeju in high school, how Jinki had been suspicious that Jonghyun’s grandma knew of his feelings, based on little but his own paranoia. She leaned casually against the wall, one leg pulled up to her chest with her elbow resting on her knee. It was a relaxed confidence that made him feel oddly safe in being known. 

“Yeah, he definitely is,” he agreed, letting himself look unabashedly. Jonghyun slipped his left foot out of his shoe to scratch at an itch on his other ankle, and it was one of those tender personal moments Jinki felt grateful to be allowed to see.

“Take care of him for me?” his grandma asked, quiet and kind. Jinki felt himself blush again, but they shared a look of honesty. Jinki nodded, answering two questions at once. 

“I will.”

  


  
\---

  


Dinner took place along the beach, as the lazy sunset dipped below the horizon line and Jonghyun ordered soju and a seafood feast from one of the popular restaurants along the main city street. Jinki let the wind blow through his hair, humidity backing off slightly with the cool of the night. Jinki had napped in the guesthouse bedroom after lunch, leaving Jonghyun to unpack and clean himself up. He’d changed into shorts that showed off his legs and Jinki kept stealing glances. 

“Shouldn’t be too long until it’s ready,” Jonghyun said as he slipped into the seat opposite Jinki at their outdoor table. His skin glowed bright in the setting sun, swaths of orange light washing over the both of them as the sound of kids playing in the water and people chatting amicably surrounded them. Jonghyun leaned back, one arm along the back of the chair showing his bicep off in the path of the waning sunlight. Jinki felt a tug on his heart, a desperate pull of desire that was harder than ever to push away. 

“Should we go to the falls tomorrow?” Jonghyun asked, eyes excited with possibilities. “Or maybe visit the sheep farm again?” 

Jinki laughed as he recalled the memory. “No, thank you. I don’t think I’m welcome there anymore.”

Jonghyun snickered, looking every bit the mischievous teenager he had been back then. “Don’t think like that. I’m sure those sheep would appreciate a visit from an old friend.”

“Actually, it might be nice just to go swimming,” Jinki commented as the server brought out their plate of fish and side dishes. “It’s supposed to be even hotter than it was today, and the water will be relaxing.”

Jonghyun nodded in agreement as he took his first bite of food. “I’d like that a lot.”

They sat in companionable silence while they ate, night setting in and turning the city streets lively and cheerful as the dinner crowd of domestic vacationers and foreigners alike continued to fill up tables. They shared the bottles of soju Jonghyun had bought, working through one by the end of the meal. Jinki felt that quiet buzz loosening his limbs as he leaned back in his chair, full and content. The moon was half-full in the wide sky above, and the candlelight on their table flickered softly with the gentle wind. 

“I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight,” Jonghyun commented, watching the reflection of the moon on the water’s surface. “I feel really energized, and I think it might be good to stay up writing.”

Jinki raised an eyebrow, exhausted from travel and full on food. His nap earlier had been welcome, but he was ready for a long night’s rest. “All the more reason for me to sleep in tomorrow.”

Jonghyun laughed and nodded, looking preoccupied with his thoughts. “That’s right. No need to rush things.”

Jinki smiled, chest tight when he thought about the implications of that statement. He fixed his eyes down the sidewalk on a sign outside an ice cream shop. “How about dessert? I’ll pay,” he offered. 

They walked along the shore, licking their tangerine-flavored ice cream and feeling the warmth of the sand on their feet. Younger kids had gone home for the night, and the only people still strolling by the water were the occasional teenager or young couple, enamored as they looked into each other’s eyes. Jinki wondered what he and Jonghyun looked like, arms brushing at intervals and making no effort to walk further apart. 

They stopped to sit on a rock once they felt tired and their cones were almost gone. Jinki worried at his bottom lip as he watched the water ripple gently, lazy waves lapping the shore. Another young couple walked by, the woman lifting up on her toes to share a kiss with the man.

“Did you have a girlfriend,” Jinki blurted it out, almost accidental. “In New York, I mean.”

Jonghyun froze, pausing as he was just about to lick his ice cream. Jinki felt his eyes on him, still and searching as Jinki kept his gaze determined on the sea before him. 

“No, I didn’t,” Jonghyun said seriously. “Like I said—too hard to meet people.”

Jinki nodded, watching the young couple until they exited the beach area and went back up to the sidewalk. Jonghyun followed his eyes, seeing the reason for his question. Jinki felt ridiculous for even asking, but it had been eating at him for longer than he wanted to admit. 

“Did you?” Jonghyun prompted, last of his ice cream forgotten in his hand. A tension had built up between them, and Jinki felt embarrassed. He didn’t have to lie and he knew Jonghyun wasn’t either, but there was some kind of half-truth buried in both of their answers. 

“I don’t want one,” Jinki said. “I slept around in college, but. Well, you know how it is,” he blushed bright red as he fumbled over his words, not meeting Jonghyun’s eyes, thinking about how more of those hook-ups had been men than women.

To his surprise, Jonghyun giggled at his explanation. “Wow, you were always so shy in high school. I can’t believe you just admitted to that.” 

Jinki’s blush deepened, but he felt a grin twitching at his lips, less afraid to look up. Jonghyun’s eyes were dancing, playful smirk curling up the side of his face. Jinki felt hot, even with the light breeze blowing across his shoulders, and Jonghyun’s cheeks looked pink, but it was hard to tell in the deceiving moonlight. 

“We’re adults now, right?” Jinki reasoned with a nod. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Something passed across Jonghyun’s face, a flicker of a thought or the most imperceptible feeling. Jinki smiled, pretending he didn’t notice, but Jonghyun’s gaze had gone dark—deep and warm like fireplace flames. 

“That’s true,” he said, shifting so that he was leaning his body weight on the arm that faced Jinki, muscles tightening with the redistribution. “We should be proud of it.”

Jinki nodded cautiously, not sure what they were talking about anymore. His breath was shallow as they stared into each other’s eyes. Jonghyun’s perfume caught the wind and brushed under Jinki’s nose, a shiver running down his spine. 

The sound of teenagers screeching in delight broke their gaze, and they turned to see two girls and a boy racing each other down the beach, laughter tumbling out and bouncing around in the wide open space. Jonghyun smiled, then raised an eyebrow at Jinki. 

“You said you wanted to go swimming?” 

Jinki shook his head as he realized the plan forming in Jonghyun’s brain, the moment of heated tension between them officially broken. “No way.”

“I’ll race you,” Jonghyun challenged, youthful spark lighting up his eyes. Jinki barked out a surprised laugh—giddy, adventurous feeling rising in his chest.

“Fine,” Jinki acquiesced, slipping off the rock and standing ready on the ground. “1, 2—”

Before he could finish the countdown, Jonghyun’s hands were around his waist, arms hoisting him in the air as he rushed towards the shore. Jinki gasped, skin on fire with the delight of Jonghyun touching him, the pressure of his fingers warm and steady on the thin fabric of his t-shirt. His breath came in quick rasps in Jinki’s ear as he ran, and the heat of Jonghyun’s muscular chest along Jinki’s back kept him from being able to form any coherent thoughts.

He howled with laughter and glee, wind rushing by them as Jonghyun carried him in his strong embrace. The thrill of being close to him was electricity all up his spine, mixed with the surprise and confusion of being unable to touch the ground. 

“Whoo-hoo!!” Jonghyun shouted as they crashed into the waves, water instantly soaking their clothes up to their waists. He dropped Jinki down beside him, and their peals of laughter could be heard all the way up the coastline.

“Ah—what was that? Seriously, you’re crazy!” Jinki yelled, face aching from smiling so hard and skin still burning from where he’d touched him, the cool water doing nothing to wash away that feeling. Jonghyun giggled as the ocean rocked around them. It was a little cold for the time of night, but the adrenaline hadn’t stopped rushing through Jinki’s veins.

Jonghyun laughed, holding onto his belly in an attempt to contain it, splashing the water around with eyes shining bright and sleeveless shirt starting to stick to his skin. “The look on your face when I picked you up! You’re too funny, Jinki.”

Jinki felt his cheeks warm even as his body began to shiver, Jonghyun’s expression going soft when he complimented him. They smiled at each other as the crowds on the sidewalk above began to dissipate for the night. Jinki felt the same tug from earlier, itching to go closer, to crash into Jonghyun just like the rolling tide and grab him by the neck in a deep kiss. 

“Come on,” Jonghyun said, voice quiet as the waves began to still their movements, and the moment’s energy slipped away into the silence of the night. “Let’s head back.”

Jinki nodded and they trudged out of the water, clothes heavy and dripping. His heart stuttered unevenly when he looked over to see Jonghyun’s white shirt plastered tight along the ridges of his chest and abs. His shorts had already been thin, and were now hugging his ass and thighs like a second layer of skin. Jinki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, disguising it as an attempt to wring out the water, but using it as a moment to clear his mind of the tempting image of Jonghyun completely naked—his brain easily filling in the gaps. He kept remembering the tight hold of his arms around him, unwavering in its strength.

The ride back to the guesthouse was peaceful, moon shining brightly overhead. Once they returned, Jonghyun showered while Jinki sat outside on the front porch in thought, exhausted to the core but skin still humming with Jonghyun’s touch and the conversation at the beach. He thought fleetingly that he was grateful for Jonghyun choosing to forego sleep tonight, so he wouldn’t be confronted with the reality of his warm, sleepy body in bed next to him. 

After showering and changing for the night, Jinki walked over to the dining room table where Jonghyun had a notebook out and a candle burning steadily next to him. A pair of glasses were perched on his nose, a sight Jinki hadn’t seen. 

“Who’s this distinguished scholar?” Jinki teased, noting the determined set of Jonghyun’s eyes and poised placement of his pen. 

He blushed and closed the notebook quickly, bumping his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose. “Ah, that’s right. I never mentioned how my vision got worse over the years. I usually wear my contacts, but not at the end of the day, of course.”

Jinki smiled. Jonghyun looked comfy and soft in his loose shirt and sweatpants, damp hair tousled and falling across his eyes. The glasses were a point of intimacy, another thing Jinki felt grateful to be allowed to see. 

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Jinki said, voice sounding too loud. “Don’t work yourself too hard.”

Jonghyun smiled, knowing Jinki meant well but that there was nothing to stop his brain when he was on a roll. “Sleep well, Lee Jinki.”

  


  
\---

  


Nothing could’ve prepared Jinki for the sight of Jonghyun shirtless for the first time in five years, but as they made their way down to the beach the following day and slipped their sandals off in the sand, the smooth muscles of his chest were more blinding than the sun. 

Jonghyun had pulled his shirt off as soon as they’d set foot along the shore, and Jinki’s mouth had gone dry. Jonghyun stretched his arms up over his head, as if purposely showing off. Jinki remembered feeling flustered at the sight of him as a teenager, but adulthood had matured every centimeter of Jonghyun’s body, from the wide set of his shoulders to the firm plane of his abs, down to the stretch of dark hair that traveled up the length of his stomach. Jinki stared dumbly.

“Still tired, Jinki-yah?” Jonghyun called as he began running to the water. “Hurry up, or I’ll throw you in again!”

Jinki shook his head quickly to snap himself out of his daze. He kept his own shirt on, and followed Jonghyun up to their waists in the ocean like they’d been the night before. The sun bore down incessantly, but they played and splashed around in the soothing waves. Jonghyun dove completely under and popped back up, shaking his wet hair like an excited puppy. Drops of water slid down the expanse of his pecs, and Jinki looked away with a blush.

“How did writing go last night?” Jinki asked to distract himself. Jonghyun scooped up some water in his palms and then let it fall. 

“It was great. I didn’t stop until around five AM,” he smiled cheerfully, not a hint of exhaustion in his voice. “I forgot how magical it is here.”

If anyone else had said something like that, Jinki would’ve thought it was cheesy, but it suited Jonghyun’s sensitive heart. Jinki had been feeling some of that magic, like it was embedded in the fabric of the island instinctively. 

“I guess I went too far for my change of scenery,” Jonghyun joked, putting his hands on his head and looking up at the shops along the sidewalk overlooking the beach. The taut lines of muscle in his sides stood out in relief, and Jinki blinked nervously. “Plus, I’m not by myself. I have you with me.”

Jonghyun threw him a smile, and its charm combined with the view of his body made Jinki feel weak. He smiled back timidly, but felt overstimulated from the heat, the crowded beach, and a flirty Jonghyun who seemed to be doing everything he could to accentuate his physical features. 

“Can we take a break?” Jinki asked. “I think I’m feeling dehydrated.”

They walked back to the chairs and umbrellas where they’d left their beach bags, and Jonghyun took a sip from the water bottle they’d purchased earlier. He handed it to Jinki when he was finished, and normally it wouldn’t have bothered him, but Jinki’s heart pounded at the concept of placing his mouth where Jonghyun’s now shiny, wet lips had just been.

“There’s a cafe just up the road,” Jonghyun said, toweling his hair dry and slipping his sunglasses on. “We can hang out in the air conditioning.”

Jinki nodded, anything to get Jonghyun’s clothes back on his body and to get his pulse to slow to a normal pace again. Jonghyun hummed pleasantly as they made their way to the little cafe, groups of people milling about and cars with windows rolled down driving past. Jinki had woken up that morning to Jonghyun fast asleep on the couch, hand tucked under his head. He had instantly yearned for his presence by his side in the bedroom, as much as he had worried about it. He wondered briefly if Jonghyun would stay up all night writing again. 

The cafe was small, modern and stylish with plants hanging from baskets and colorful art prints as decorations. Jonghyun ordered them both iced americanos, and they sat by the window facing the ocean. Jonghyun looked flushed from the sun, tops of his cheeks pink as if lightly burned, and dark hair drying into a fluffy approximation of the carefully styled look he’d had earlier in the day.

Jinki noticed more straight couples again, leaning closer to each other across the small tables. He wondered what would happen if he and Jonghyun adopted their postures, sitting with knees touching and hands loosely clasped in front of their cups. 

“You know Jinki, I’m really glad you came with me,” Jonghyun said, once the silence between them had ran its course. He propped an elbow up near his drink, and Jinki felt the gentle press of his knee against his. He took a sip of his coffee and studied one of the slowly melting ice cubes. 

“I just hope you can get your work done, like you wanted to,” Jinki said. “I want to be supportive.”

“You are,” Jonghyun said, fiercely sincere. “I can’t just live completely in my own head, and you bring me out of it.”

Jinki blushed, feeling like all the eyes in the cafe were on the two of them, but feeling a zing of bravery at the possibility. The atmosphere of the island made him feel freer, like time worked differently and turned everything into a dreamy haze as soon as he blinked. 

Jinki steeled himself, pressing his knee even closer to Jonghyun’s, and propping his chin in his hands. “The things you say, really…” he shook his head with a smile. “Youngbae said you were turning into a poet, and I can see why.”

“What?” Jonghyun asked with a teasing sparkle in his eyes. “Am I becoming too cheesy?”

Jinki laughed. “You always were.”

Their pattern of teasing was so familiar, but the insistent press of Jonghyun’s calf along his own under the table felt more heated than any of the physical touches they usually shared. Jonghyun smirked as he took another sip of his coffee. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being a romantic,” he said, voice low as he slowly laid his tongue flat against the straw before his next sip, full lips pursing more dramatically than Jinki had noticed before. “Maybe that’s why this place suits me.”

Jinki nodded, swallowing the drink he’d just taken before he choked on it. He wondered if time really did work differently here, if it extended to emotions and thought processes, if he was imagining the added layer of something in Jonghyun’s voice and words that sent a shiver down his spine in the middle of a scorching July heat.

“Yeah, maybe it is.”

Dinner that evening was a more relaxed affair than the night before, as they ate quickly and retired to the guesthouse with less sightseeing, bodies worn down by the sun and minds sluggish with food and soju. They’d relaxed by the beach all day after their brief trip to the cafe, spending just as much time shaded under umbrellas as they did in the middle of the rushing waves. 

Jonghyun’s back and chest looked tanned and warm from the sun, strips of skin peeking out from his tank top as they pulled up to the house. Since Jinki had been treated to the view of him half-naked for most of the day, the hints of his muscles that his clothes revealed only served to torture him more. 

Jinki hovered in the bedroom door awkwardly as he listened to the sounds of Jonghyun in the bathroom brushing his teeth. The unanswered question had been sitting on the tip of Jinki’s tongue all day, but the courage to ask it was absent. Jonghyun hadn’t mentioned his plans for the night during dinner or the drive back, and Jinki approached the neatly made bed with uncertainty. 

“You don’t mind sharing it tonight?” Jonghyun’s voice came from over his shoulder, making him jump. 

Jinki turned to face him, hoping any nervousness evident on his face would be unnoticeable in the dim light of the room. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s not like we haven’t before.”

Jonghyun beamed, and Jinki’s blood raced just from making a reference to the moments they’d spent next to each other in the dark. He couldn’t stop replaying the memory of the morning they’d woken up in his grandma’s house years ago, and Jonghyun’s embarrassed eyes when he’d pulled away from their tangled grip on each other. They’d never spoken of it since, just like Jinki had suggested, and he wondered if it was on Jonghyun’s mind.

Jonghyun stripped down for bed, shirt thrown aside and only the thin material of his shorts for coverage. Seeing him like that in the middle of the night felt vastly different than in the stark light of day. He was softer, each muscle still in its place but looking less proud. Jinki noticed the curve of Jonghyun’s belly as he crawled into bed, the way the skin rolled up when he bent over. 

He noticed the slight jiggle of his thigh as he shifted across the sheets, and the way his shorts hugged his hips. He noticed all the quiet imperfections that made Jonghyun himself, all the little human things like his frustrated grunt as he tried to get comfortable, and the barely-there line of stubble across his jaw. 

Nighttime had its own rules, as Jinki had often known in Jonghyun’s presence. His smile was sleepy and sweet, and the moonlight shining in from the window made his eyes sparkle like gems. Jinki left an acceptable strip of space between their bodies, flat on his back with his head firmly on his own pillow, a desperate attempt to ignore the urge to wrap himself up in Jonghyun’s warmth. Jonghyun laid on his side, hair falling in front of his eyes that were slowly drooping with drowsiness. 

“You wanna know something?” Jonghyun’s voice crossed the imaginary barrier between them that Jinki had set. 

“What is it?” Jinki didn’t look at him, choosing the ceiling and finding that its color resembled that of the one they’d been in so many years ago. 

“I’ve always had awful insomnia since middle school,” Jonghyun replied, and Jinki could feel his eyes on him. He could almost smell the mintiness of his toothpaste and the scent of soap from his shower. “But every time I lay next to you, I go right to sleep. It doesn’t even take fifteen minutes.”

Jinki exhaled a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. The sounds of nature and life outside their window filled the room with a low hum, but it felt impossibly quiet in the little bubble of space the two of them shared.

“I—I had no idea,” Jinki settled on saying, his chest tightening at the information. 

“Yeah,” Jonghyun said with a small chuckle. “It’s part of why I spent the night so much in high school. I already had trouble sleeping, and stress about the future wasn’t helping matters.” He let out a sigh, followed by a quiet little yawn. “You always brought me comfort.”

Jinki blushed, unsure how to respond to that like he’d been unsure of how to respond to a lot of things Jonghyun had said during their trip. Jonghyun’s hand reached out to Jinki’s shoulder, a warm weight that pulled him the smallest bit closer, the dark blue color of the sheets disappearing under the bright white of Jinki’s t-shirt.

“See, I’m getting tired already,” Jonghyun whispered, eyelashes fluttering closed. His palm laid flat across Jinki’s collarbone, fingers curved into the dip at the base of his neck. It was gentle, made Jinki’s body relax into the plush of the mattress. He went with it willingly, letting his desire slip out in calm waves as he turned onto his side to face Jonghyun’s peaceful sleeping expression. He stared at him, taking notice of every curve and slope, the thick dark hair of his brows and the soft rounded tip of his nose. He traced the shape of his lips, and counted the freckles on his neck and chest, one in the center bigger than the rest and charming in its uniqueness. 

Jinki drifted off to sleep like that—with his mind and his body reaching out freely to the subject of all his dreams.

  


  
\---

  


The days of their little trip continued in a comfortable, relaxed fashion. They woke up slowly to sunlight creeping in through the windows, and Jinki stole glances at Jonghyun’s bare skin while he yawned and stretched himself out of sleep. Every morning, Jonghyun was ruffled and grumpy as he opened his eyes, and it made Jinki’s heart jump into his throat, thinking about how he wished he could hear that sleepy complaining everyday. 

They ate light breakfasts in the cafes on the outskirts of town, and took drives around the sprawling coast, parking along less populated beaches and taking dives into the crisp, clear water. They ate lunch and shopped, Jonghyun making sure to pick up souvenirs for his mom and Sodam.

They took a trip to a horse park, riding through fields of wildflowers and up trails that gave fantastic views of the mountain ranges in the distance. Jonghyun looked proud in the saddle, calm and focused as he moved in time with the animal’s smooth gait. He wore a cowboy-style hat that Jinki had teased him for buying. He’d gone silent about it though, once they were on the horses, because the roguish smile on Jonghyun’s face under the wide brim of the hat made Jinki’s heart skip a beat. 

Jonghyun drove them around on aimless day trips, down backroads and bumpy paths into quiet neighborhoods where people grew vegetables in their backyards, and stray cats licked their paws contently on the sides of empty streets. They picked up lunch on the way and found spots to park, sit and talk.

“I never got to drive in New York,” Jonghyun commented one afternoon as they ate abalone kimbap on the hood of the rental car, the sun warming their bones as they overlooked a residential area forty minutes from the guesthouse. “Not until one of my roommates wanted to take a trip upstate. He was visiting family, but I convinced him to let me go so I could see outside of the city.”

Jinki listened quietly, felt the breeze blow through his hair and cool his burning skin. Jonghyun kept his eyes on the horizon. 

“It’s so big out there, so much land in America once you leave the city limits. I’d never seen houses all stretched out like that, with so much emptiness in between.”

Jinki finished his last piece of kimbap and took a long gulp of water. Jonghyun seemed to have forgotten about his food, still sitting in neat rows in the little paper basket in his hand. “Anyway, I asked him to let me drive some of the way. It felt like the road would go on forever.”

“Does it feel like that here?” Jinki asked, looking out at the rows of houses and apartments, how they held a similar feeling to Seoul, but still had a character all their own. 

“A little bit,” Jonghyun decided, looking less lost in thought as he turned to smile at Jinki. “Something definitely feels eternal.”

Jinki laughed. “There you go again,” he said, but it was quiet and fond as his eyes trailed to where their knees touched, where Jonghyun’s hand laid flat on the hood with his fingertips splayed out like they were reaching for something. 

They picked tangerines at a local farm, and Jinki teased Jonghyun about asking the owners if they were hiring. They ate the sweet fruit on a rock formation near the shoreline, and Jonghyun scribbled in his notebook while Jinki took pictures of the sunset, of a dog sleeping outside of a nearby restaurant, of Jonghyun’s side profile when he was lost in deep concentration.

“Delete that,” Jonghyun grumbled, giving Jinki a narrow-eyed glare as his pen stilled on the page. “My skin is so dry today, and I didn’t wash my hair.”

Jinki caught the words in his throat, the ones that would say that Jonghyun was always beautiful, in every sense of the word and at every time of day. 

“Gotta capture the memories,” Jinki said with a shrug, studying the way the sun reflected off the bridge of Jonghyun’s nose and the pink of his lips in the picture. “Besides, you look good.”

Jonghyun shook his head, but Jinki caught the blush that bloomed across his cheeks. He furrowed his brow and kept his eyes on the paper in front of him. “Fine, but you better not be lying and planning to embarrass me later with that.”

“Never,” Jinki said, distracted as he stayed lost in the image, thinking that maybe he was a little bit of a romanticist himself. 

On their second to last day of the trip, they woke up early to climb Seongsan Ilchulbong, hoping to catch the sunrise at its peak. Jonghyun stayed silent for most of the short drive there, still half-asleep in the dewy morning. Jinki laid his head on the side of the car window, enjoying the fresh air and watching the city wake from its slumber. 

They drank coffee at a nearby cafe while the world was still shrouded in blue, then walked the scenic paths surrounding the crater. Jinki took photos of every view he could, including the one of Jonghyun’s back in front of him as they diligently climbed the stairs. The weather wasn’t too hot yet, and with each step they took the sun hinted at its arrival. At the top, the sprawling city spread out before them, framed by the dynamic line of the coast, stretching endlessly into the distance. 

The sunrise slowly slipped up from the horizon line, and Jonghyun’s awed gasp made everything worth it. They stood overlooking the buildings below, the haenyeo pulling their catches from the water and standing on the shore, watching the sun just like the two of them were. 

“Magical,” Jonghyun whispered, and his fingers twitched on the side of his leg. Jinki took a deep breath, turning his head to verify that they were the only people around, then clasped their hands together for a quick moment. 

“It really is.”

Jonghyun smiled shyly, and squeezed Jinki’s hand, tugging it close to his body so that their knuckles bumped his thigh. “Thanks for waking me up for this,” he said. “If I had been with anyone else, I would’ve already been awake for hours now, and it wouldn’t be as beautiful when sleep deprived.”

Jinki smiled in agreement, letting their hands separate as he reached for his phone from his back pocket. “Let’s take a picture together. I’ll let you do it so you can choose your angle,” he teased.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as he opened the camera and held the phone out in front of them, the expansive view behind serving as the perfect backdrop. At the last second before the shutter clicked, Jonghyun leaned his head on Jinki’s shoulder. Jinki’s smile only widened, until his cheeks hurt. 

Jinki stared at the picture for the whole drive back, fixated on the spot where Jonghyun’s hair had tickled the skin of his neck, and how bright his big toothy smile was. 

Throughout the rest of the morning and into the early afternoon, Jonghyun sat with legs crossed, hunched over the dining table writing in quick, concentrated strokes. He became nearly silent, only occasionally letting out a melodic hum of whatever tune had entered his head. Jinki decided to sit on the porch of the guesthouse, relaxing under its shade while reading a book he’d picked up earlier in the week about Jeju wildlife. 

A light wind periodically blew through the seashell chime above his head, providing some pleasant and relaxing background music as he flipped through the book, taking his time with each page and enjoying the leisurely pace of the day.

From across the street Jinki heard the sound of a door opening, and the friendly voice of a man who Jinki presumed to be the owner Jonghyun talked to when they’d first arrived. He glanced over at the office, where the man was stepping outside for a cigarette. He was about to divert his attention back to his book, when another man walked out of the building. He paused. 

They were both middle-aged, on the shorter side, with the lean and healthy builds of two guys who had worked outside for most of their lives. He remembered Jonghyun saying there had been more than one owner of the guesthouse property, but Jinki had immediately assumed it to be a straight married couple. It seemed odd for two older men to co-run it. He kept his eyes on them as they sat on the front steps and smoked, talking loud enough that Jinki could hear the low hum of conversation, but not enough that he could make out their words. 

Once the first man finished his cigarette, stubbing it out on the wooden step, he leaned over to the second man and placed a quick kiss on his cheek. Jinki held in his surprised gasp. He rubbed his eyes, thinking he must have imagined it. The second man laughed, but it was warm and content. They looked into each others’ eyes for a moment longer than Jinki knew to be standard amongst male friends, and then leaned in to share another kiss, this time on the lips. 

Jinki’s heart raced, filled with simultaneous glee and confusion as the two men walked back into the office together, one holding the door for the other. He couldn’t shake the second-hand fear he had for them, that they’d be caught by someone and harrassed endlessly. He also couldn’t shake the pride he felt at seeing a happy gay couple, old and still in love. 

He turned back to the door of the guesthouse, suddenly realizing that Jonghyun knew, that he’d talked to them over the phone. Jinki supposed he could’ve only talked to one, and had no idea about the nature of the owner’s relationship, but something about the casual way the two men had shared their affection made him think that they weren’t too afraid to divulge the information.

He closed his book, no longer interested in reading up on wild boar and red squirrels. He felt a blush coming to his cheeks, immediately wondering what Jonghyun thought about the couple, and what it meant that his grandmother had recommended the place. Jinki laid on the porch with his stomach in knots until he dozed off, mind exhausted from trying to make sense of everything.

  


  
\---

  


On the last night of their trip they ate seafood hotpot for dinner, enjoying the view of the sunset and the breeze that blew by, seabirds squawking in the air above their heads. Jonghyun was loose and talkative, tank top slipping off his shoulder and distracting Jinki for the whole meal. 

Jinki hadn’t confronted Jonghyun about the gay couple who owned the guesthouse, being too afraid of his opinion if it turned out to be distasteful. Jinki had kept it to himself, thinking about it nonstop as he watched Jonghyun fall into peaceful sleep beside him every night.

He leaned back in his chair, eyes on the waves as they crashed into the shore. Crowds weren’t letting up as the dinner hours dragged on, weekends always a friend to the late drinkers and night owls. Jonghyun had stewed in his feelings earlier in the day, upset about having to leave. Jinki had felt the same, realizing that all this uninterrupted time with him had been the best experience he could’ve asked for. Jonghyun’s gaze traveled with Jinki’s, looking out at the glittering ocean. 

Although it was their last night, the energy of the evening felt new, like something had shifted in the air. As they walked to the rental car, they noticed the previous swell of crowds beginning to dissipate, loud chatter from shop owners reaching their ears from down the street. They were talking about an oncoming thunderstorm predicted to reach them within the next hour. 

“Ah—well that will be relaxing to listen to from inside the comfort of the house,” Jonghyun commented as they headed back. Jinki nodded, already feeling the wind picking up speed. 

Once they arrived at the guesthouse, Jonghyun stood staring out the front window at the sky as it began to darken, wind whipping the plants and trees and the office sign across the road. “I love listening to storms while I fall asleep,” he said with a soft smile. 

Jinki joined him at the window, their arms touching at elbow and wrist. He looked across at the office, at the front porch steps where the two men had kissed on an unassuming lazy afternoon. Jonghyun noticed where Jinki was staring, and the two of them locked eyes in the reflection of the window as the first zap of lightning and the first crack of thunder echoed across the sky.

Jinki blushed, as if Jonghyun had read his mind and he’d been found out with only a look. Their arms brushed again, closer still. 

“I know I already said it, but I really am thankful you came with me,” Jonghyun said, eyes still on the office building. “This trip is exactly what I needed.”

Jinki nodded, nervous at how serious Jonghyun suddenly seemed. “Yeah, I—I really enjoyed it.”

Jonghyun’s hair was falling in his eyes, soft and delicate and prettier than anything. The light of the full moon peeked through the greying clouds, shining a beam down on them and casting a shadow across Jonghyun’s face that made Jinki shiver like the rain had somehow worked its way inside.

“Let’s go to bed,” Jonghyun said with a tired smile. Jinki returned it, but he felt a renewed energy in his step, something that made his heart beat in anticipation. 

In the bedroom, everything was the same as it had been every night before that, with Jonghyun in his sleep shorts lounging on the covers, and Jinki underneath with the blanket pulled up around his chin. The rain began its slow patter on the roof and down the sides of the house, streaking the windows. The curve of Jonghyun’s hip was laying a centimeter closer to Jinki’s than it usually was. 

“Are you tired?” Jonghyun asked, one arm bent above his head as he watched the rain come down. 

“Not really,” Jinki said, eyes on the ceiling. Every night, Jinki had been content to watch Jonghyun fall into his quick sleep, to drift off in the warm sensation of being next to him, rather than being tied up in nerves like so many times before. This night felt more urgent, his skin humming with the need to do or say something more than he had been. 

“Me neither,” Jonghyun replied. They laid in silence for a moment, listening to the thunder rolling and the rain as it grew in volume. Jonghyun absentmindedly ran his hand up and down his stomach, and the movement drew Jinki’s eyes to it. 

“All those hook-ups you had, Jinki,” Jonghyun suddenly blurted out. “Was there anyone you felt like you could’ve had more with, some kind of future?”

Jinki sucked in a breath, uncomfortably put on the spot. “Uh—no. I don’t think so, not that I can remember.”

Jonghyun nodded in understanding, and the space between them grew smaller still. “Just waiting for the right person to come along, I guess.” he said quietly, a near-whisper. 

Jinki blinked, trying to find the line of logic in Jonghyun bringing all of this up. A loud crack of thunder rang out. “Right, I guess so,” he replied, mouth dry. 

Jonghyun shifted so that he was laying on his side, facing Jinki. “Me too.”

Jinki gulped, wondering if everything he’d dismissed as impossible, all the moments when Jonghyun’s teasing had bordered on something else—if it had all been building up to what he’d been wanting for years. He thought again that time on Jeju Island seemed to flow differently, backwards and forwards at once, all spiraling and hazy like a perfect dream. 

He turned, looked into Jonghyun’s eyes, and saw the smoldering of the fireplace flames again. 

Their hands touched, fingers first and then palms. They slipped together effortlessly, like they had so many times before. Jinki drew in a shaky breath as Jonghyun pulled him closer. Their foreheads met, tips of their noses brushing just slightly. Jinki’s heart raced so fast and so loud that he swore it could be heard over the drone of the storm.

“Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun breathed it out, quiet and secret. 

“Yes,” Jinki said back, in reply to the call of his name but also the answer to any further questions. 

“Kiss me.”

Jinki’s thumb met his cheekbone, the softest touch to pull their faces together. He had imagined it so many times, in every context possible. In the bathrooms of their high school, shoes shuffling on tile as they closed a stall door, in the quiet of his bedroom while the night set in and they talked about their dreams, in the airport terminal in front of the whole world, in Jonghyun’s bedroom where it all began.

He had imagined it so many times, and as he leaned in, tugging Jonghyun closer and pressing their lips together in tender collision, none of the scenarios he’d ever thought up could’ve come close to the feeling.

Jonghyun gasped into him, hand reaching up the back of his neck to take hold. A bolt of lightning struck the sky and illuminated his bare skin, warm and solid under Jinki’s body as they fell into each other’s arms. His lips were soft, plush and desperate with the way they kissed Jinki back. Jinki trailed his thumb from Jonghyun’s cheekbone to the line of his neck and down to his collarbone, all the places he’d looked at and thought about. Jonghyun shivered, other hand slipping underneath Jinki’s t-shirt to touch his stomach.

They pulled apart, panting with cheeks tinged pink. Jinki blinked, wondering how to give voice to his feelings, if it was even necessary when Jonghyun looked at him like that. He reached out, hand traveling up the trail of hair that led from Jonghyun’s groin to his belly button—what he’d seen on that first day at the beach when it had peeked innocuously out of swim shorts. 

Jonghyun shivered again, arm crooking to brush fingers through Jinki’s hair and scratch down his scalp. He leaned into the touch with more enthusiasm than needed, and trailed a hand down Jonghyun’s abs, tough and muscular underneath a softer layer of skin—what he couldn’t, or didn’t want to work off—and what Jinki had seen every night when he’d undressed before bed. 

Jonghyun tugged on the hem of Jinki’s shirt. “You always see me,” he whispered, the first thing he’d said since they’d kissed. “I want to see you.”

Jinki blushed, overcome by arousal mixed with embarrassment at being shirtless in front of the person he’d spent so much time pining over. He nodded, and let Jonghyun’s fingers trace over his skin as he pulled the shirt off, tossing it across the bed and onto the floor. Jonghyun smiled, running his palm up Jinki’s stomach, smoother and much less defined than his own. Jinki leaned in, hands bracketing Jonghyun’s waist and pressing their bodies together, gasping as he did. 

Jonghyun held him at the nape of his neck, and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. Jinki let his hands wander, in awe that he was allowed this. He experimentally rubbed the pad of his thumb along one of Jonghyun’s nipples, and Jonghyun let out a quiet muffled sound. Jinki’s eyes fluttered closed in pleasure. 

They were being gentle, exploring each other, Jinki realized. The rain beat down around them, and Jinki felt that the world had stopped spinning in the singularity of their little room. He slipped his hand down to cup Jonghyun’s ass, tight shorts accentuating its curve. Jonghyun buried his face further in Jinki’s shoulder, fingers tightening along his scalp. Their hips met each other, and they both groaned.

Something surged in Jinki’s chest, the same feeling he’d had so many times when he’d felt drawn to Jonghyun. He grabbed ahold of his shoulders and gently laid him on his back, with Jinki bracketing his thighs on top. He blushed, hoping it was what Jonghyun wanted. 

“Is this alright?” he asked, voice sounding entirely foreign to him. Jonghyun nodded, soft and slow, let his fingers slip under Jinki’s waistband. Jinki leaned in, pressing kisses down the length of Jonghyun’s body—starting at his collarbone and passing by the mole in the middle of his chest that he’d noticed countless times. He kissed it with reverence, then with shaking hands he brushed a nipple again, kissing the skin next to it. 

He realized he wanted everything at once, unsure where to begin and getting lost in every detail. Jonghyun hummed pleasantly underneath him, foot nudging Jinki’s thigh forward until it opened up his legs and bumped against the growing hardness in the front of his shorts. One of his arms went back behind his head, casually resting. He sighed softly when Jinki rubbed his thigh in the space he’d created, and Jinki’s eyes traveled to the curve of Jonghyun’s elbow and the dark hair underneath his arm.

He suddenly remembered the first time he’d seen it, when they were just teenagers and all body hair was new and intriguing. Another clap of thunder sounded off in the sky, rain coming down in rhythmic sheets. He reached out, fingers brushing the swirls of hair, only slightly damp with sweat. He felt his face grow hot once he realized what he was doing, enamored with Jonghyun’s armpit hair while his dick and ass and everything else were right in front of him, but every single part of his body begged to be rediscovered. 

Jonghyun’s free hand slipped further down Jinki’s shorts, grabbing ahold of his ass and squeezing it to pull him forward. He went willingly, hands on either side of Jonghyun’s face as he closed the gap between them with another kiss. Jonghyun’s hips kicked up, into the movement of Jinki’s thigh, moaning into his mouth so loud it made Jinki shudder. 

They pulled apart again, Jinki’s body on fire from being so close. His brain was already heavy and drowsy with his arousal, all his more tender affections also simmering underneath. He reached out to touch again, to trail his hand up the side of Jonghyun’s thigh, fingers pressing into warm skin. Jonghyun sighed, wiggling his hips to give Jinki better access. He slipped a hand up the leg of the shorts, feeling the bare skin of Jonghyun’s ass where he wasn’t wearing any underwear. 

Jinki crumbled at the realization, falling forward into the crook of his neck as he tugged the shorts off. Jonghyun’s perfume was still lightly dancing on his skin, sending a rush of pleasure to Jinki’s head and making him even more delirious in his want.

He pressed his mouth to the hot skin of Jonghyun’s neck, the sharp taste of his perfume making Jinki shiver. He kissed him there, surprised moans tumbling out of Jonghyun’s lips over and over again. Jonghyun struggled as he tried to kick his shorts off from where Jinki had pulled them halfway down. He clenched Jinki’s arms as he writhed at the attention being given to his neck. Each soft moan was followed by a frustrated laugh, and Jinki couldn’t help the smile that broke across his face, their shared laughter echoing and reverberating through the room and between their bodies. 

“Maybe I should help you out,” Jinki teased, leaning away. Jonghyun huffed impatiently, but his grin was bright and playful. 

“About time,” he joked, and their hands met at the waistband of the shorts, tugging them off Jonghyun’s legs together in a swift motion. 

Jinki’s heart jumped into his throat as another bolt of lightning shot through the sky, the faintest flicker of it outlining Jonghyun’s body—all of it, finally. Jinki leaned back on his knees to look, to memorize every small part in case this whole night was a vivid dream or some wild hallucination. 

Jonghyun tilted his chin up, one of his knees bending to the side casually as he stroked his foot up his opposite calf, like he was trying to be subtle in showing off. He hooked the foot around Jinki’s thigh after a moment, holding him in place with pressure that indicated he could pull him forward whenever he was ready. 

Jinki had imagined that he would be nervous if he ever had the chance to be with Jonghyun like this. He’d imagined he would be too nervous to do anything, hands shaking so bad that he wouldn’t be able to touch him. His nerves now weren’t the same as the ones he’d pictured. They were a low hum under his skin, keeping him alert but not scared. 

He leaned in to run his thumb along the hair on Jonghyun’s stomach again, this time following it down to where it joined with the dark curls of his pubes that fanned out along the insides of his thighs.

Jonghyun’s foot nudged Jinki forward, and Jinki carefully ran his hand up the length of Jonghyun’s balls to the tip of his half-hard dick—wrapping his fingers in a circle and squeezing as he went back down. Jonghyun’s breath caught on a whine, hands crawling up Jinki’s back to bring him in until their bare skin touched again, heads buried in the crooks of each other’s necks as Jinki jacked him off and rutted against his own hand. 

“Jinki?” Jonghyun’s breathless voice asked.

“Hmm?” Jinki hummed his response into Jonghyun’s collarbone, pressing kisses all along its length. 

“Of all those hookups...how many were men?”

Jinki felt a blush coloring his cheeks, embarrassed at the question even when he had Jonghyun under him and their limbs all intertwined. “Ah—most of them,” he answered, following it with an experimental bite to the skin under Jonghyun’s ear. He moaned and shivered against Jinki’s hand.

Jonghyun arched into his strokes more as they became quicker and his kisses became more fervent. The wind whipped at the windows and sides of the house while the thunder and rain went on like a symphony. Their knuckles bumped as he reached down to pull Jinki’s hand away, rubbing light circles on the skin of his wrist. 

Nighttime wasn’t complete darkness, not with the raging storm and windows left uncovered by curtains, so Jinki could see the heated look on Jonghyun’s face outlined in shadow. He licked his lips, but it was more like he was pondering something rather than trying to be suggestive.

“Go look in my bag,” he said quietly, nodding his head over to the corner where his black suitcase sat. “Left inside pocket.”

Jinki raised an eyebrow, thinking he knew what he would find and heart hammering at the possibility. Jonghyun gave him an encouraging smile. 

He hopped off the bed and walked over to the suitcase, unzipping it and feeling around along the inside edge of the main compartment. “It’s ah—” Jonghyun started, sounding embarrassed. “It’s by all my underwear.”

Jinki blushed, something about that feeling more intimate than anything else they were going to do, but his fingers found what he was looking for after a moment. A bottle of lube and the unmistakable crinkle of a condom’s foil wrapper.

“I...might have made some assumptions while packing,” Jonghyun explained as Jinki walked back. He glanced at his hands, fiddling with them in front of his chest as he lay on his side, looking nervous for the first time all night. Jinki rubbed a thumb over the label on the lube bottle in thought, realizing that Jonghyun had planned for this, had wanted it. He swallowed, tossing the bottle and condom on the bed. 

“And thankfully you did,” Jinki said as he thumbed the waistband of his shorts, heart pounding as he realized what was next. Jonghyun laughed, and it turned into a warm smile as his eyes came to rest at the place where Jinki’s fingers did. He reached out, joining him at the thin strip of cloth. 

“Let me,” Jonghyun whispered, playfulness gone just as quickly as it had arrived. His touch made Jinki shiver, anticipation building as his fingers dipped under the waistband, then inside his underwear until his warm hand wrapped around Jinki’s aching arousal. He staggered forward on a moan, hands finding purchase in the sheets. 

Jonghyun teased him, stroking quick and off-rhythm, mostly just touching—letting Jinki kick his hips in desperation. Jonghyun sat up, switching positions so that he was on his knees. As one hand continued to send sparks up Jinki’s spine through his dick, the other slipped down the back of his shorts to grab his ass. Jonghyun pressed a kiss to Jinki’s collarbone that turned into an affectionate bite, lips sucking at the skin and making Jinki’s brain melt. 

He squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a moan, leaking in the palm of Jonghyun’s hand already as his strokes became more firm and focused. The hand down the back of his shorts finally pulled them down and they pooled at Jinki’s feet. Jonghyun stopped touching him, letting him kick the fabric away, and letting Jinki’s cock spring free.

Jonghyun raised an eyebrow, and Jinki blushed immediately. 

“I didn’t expect that,” Jonghyun said with a wry smile, eyeing his bigger than average size. “You did say you were going to surprise me, after all.”

Jinki hid his face behind his hands, but he couldn’t help the laughter that escaped. “This wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind.”

Jonghyun grabbed his hips, coaxing him back onto the bed. “Don’t worry, I can take it,” he said, voice dipping low at the end. He blushed, shy about his cheesy lines for once. “I want to, anyway.”

Jinki felt his brain malfunctioning. He let out a surprised breath as Jonghyun’s hands travelled from his hips to his shoulders, laying him down on his back. Jinki’s heart skipped a beat, looking at Jonghyun’s broad chest stretched out above him. His brows furrowed in concentration as he fumbled for the lube in the bedsheets. Even with his insatiable desire aching inside him, Jinki’s heart soared at the action, at how perfectly adorable and perfectly Jonghyun-like it was. 

Once he found it, he turned back to Jinki with a smile, tossing him the condom and pumping out some lube on his fingers. He paused for a moment, giving Jinki a serious look.

“This is okay, right?” he asked, suddenly turning vulnerable. Jinki thought back to every moment he’d spent staring at Jonghyun, feeling that mysterious flutter in his heart. He thought of all the time he’d spent missing him, worrying over whether his confession would’ve made any difference. He thought about all the moments they’d shared on the island together, each of Jonghyun’s flirty comments making the hope rise inside him more. Jinki nodded, knowing he wanted this, had wanted it for years—longer than Jonghyun could know.

“More than okay,” Jinki said, the intensity of his feelings overwhelming him so much he thought he might burst with the force. Relief washed over Jonghyun’s face, and he reached back to press a finger inside himself. 

His eyelids fluttered closed and a moan escaped as he fell forward, elbow on the mattress and arm by Jinki’s head. Jinki reached up to caress his cheek, card his fingers through his hair, tugging just a little. Jonghyun’s noises were loud and unashamed, just like everything else about him. He happily leaned into Jinki’s touch, and slipped another finger inside, lube dripping down onto the tip of Jinki’s dick. 

Jonghyun hummed and rocked back, fucking himself as Jinki’s hands danced across his skin, finding a reason to touch everywhere. Jonghyun opened his eyes, mouth ajar as he panted and moaned, and Jinki’s hands stilled on his chest. It was overwhelming in the best way to look into his eyes while he got himself off, denying Jinki the privilege for only a moment. Jonghyun’s gaze was needy, but self-assured. He knew what he was doing and he knew Jinki knew that too. 

Slowly, the thumb of his free hand came to rest at the corner of Jinki’s mouth. He rubbed it across his lips, raising a teasing eyebrow. Jinki let out a shaky breath, and Jonghyun slipped his thumb in at the same time that he added a third finger alongside the two already inside himself. 

Jinki shuddered, instantly sucking hard and losing himself in the pleasure of anything Jonghyun gave him. He felt like he’d been gifted with this opportunity, like the ability to see Jonghyun like this was something infinitely precious. 

“Do you want to fuck me?” Jonghyun asked, and it was vulnerable somehow, a genuine question just as much as it was a coy line to make Jinki’s knees tremble. He looked at the taut line of Jonghyun’s arm as he continued working himself, at the sheen of sweat above his upper lip, at the heat in his gaze and how it could burn Jinki from the inside out. 

He nodded, Jonghyun’s thumb falling out so he could give a proper answer. “Yes, so much.” 

Jonghyun smiled, slipping his fingers out and letting out a soft groan at the absence. Jinki felt the urgency rising in his chest even more, and he rolled the condom onto himself quickly, slicking himself up with a generous amount of lube. Jonghyun sat up to stretch out his arm that had been laying by Jinki’s head, then with his other he reached behind to grab his dick and situate himself at the best angle above it. 

Jinki took a deep breath, and Jonghyun’s smile answered it. He placed his elbow where it had just been, and his fingers came up to gently tuck a piece of stray hair behind Jinki’s ear. It was such a tender touch, sending a million feelings swirling in Jinki’s stomach as Jonghyun slowly sat down. 

Thunder rumbled across the island, and lightning struck with its unrelenting force, but the only sound Jinki heard was the desperate noise that came from Jonghyun’s throat and out of his mouth, aching like he’d been holding it in, like the smallest amount of Jinki that he could get was pure relief. Jinki wrapped his hand around the side of Jonghyun’s neck, pulling him close until they were sharing breath, until he could swallow each of the noises he made and savor them forever.

“I love how I can hear you,” Jinki whispered, feeling a rush of bravery, of being able to share a fraction of what was growing inside him. “Even over the rain.”

Jonghyun answered with another moan, eyebrows knitting together and mouth relaxed in bliss. His thighs shook as he sank down, until he was flush with Jinki’s legs. He moved in a small circle, and Jinki’s hips kicked up involuntarily. Jonghyun’s cheeks were pink like they always got when he drank too much. He leaned down to kiss Jinki again, sloppy but determined as he settled into a rhythm. 

Jinki threaded his fingers into Jonghyun’s hair, thumb resting on his temple as he kissed him, listened to and felt each hum of pleasure. With his other hand he traced invisible lines down Jonghyun’s side, resting his fingers under the curve of Jonghyun’s ass. He kept them still there, thrusting into him slow and steady as his body responded naturally and Jinki felt increasingly addicted to the taste of him. 

Jonghyun pulled away for breath, and then dived back in, each touch of their lips sending sparks down Jinki’s spine. He carefully shifted his fingers, until they were pressed against the spot where Jonghyun was stretched around him. He brushed his fingers over the skin quickly, and Jonghyun groaned loud and unabashed in his mouth. 

“I never knew you had it in you,” Jonghyun commented with eyes shining as he kept working his hips. 

“What?” Jinki asked, rubbing over his hole again as he pressed in. Jonghyun let out another breathy moan, eyes slipping closed for a moment before he regained composure. 

“To be so dirty,” he replied, trailing a hand down Jinki’s chest. He sat back, muscles on full display. He tossed his head, hips moving faster and a familiar smirk on his face. 

“I can be sweet, too,” Jinki said, chest aching with the reality before him, that he was holding Jonghyun, that he was inside him and they were moving in perfect harmony. 

He resisted the urge to close his eyes when another twist of Jonghyun’s hips made warmth spread through his lower belly and groin. He traced the line of Jonghyun’s neck instead, watched the way his ass and thighs shook with the effort of holding himself up. He rubbed his thumb across one of his nipples again, a memory of seeing them in high school resurfacing, of how it had happened only a few kilometers from here in a lonely little bedroom. It seemed Jeju had its way of spelling things out, of bringing the two of them together slowly through time, of helping them reach elusive conclusions. 

“Oh, really?” Jonghyun’s voice raised, doubtful. “Tell me something sweet then.”

Jinki trailed his hands down to Jonghyun’s hips, holding them steady as they rocked into each other. They looked into each other’s eyes as they shared every exhilarating spark of pleasure, of warmth in human connection—a connection that ran deep and held years of secret affection. Jinki cupped the side of Jonghyun’s face, thumb tracing his brow. 

“You’re beautiful,” Jinki said, and Jonghyun cried out, falling forward and burying his face in Jinki’s hair as he rutted shamelessly against his stomach. Jinki brought his lips to Jonghyun’s ear, hands still in place on his hips as he chased his release. He breathed in the smell of the sea in his hair and the taste of his sweat, all the things that felt the most special. “I mean it.”

Jonghyun wrapped his arms around Jinki’s neck, and they were as close as they could possibly get, tangled up in each other’s embrace. The bed knocked against the wall, and the summer storm raged on as Jonghyun tugged Jinki’s hair in a warning, whiny noises muffled by the pillows and the resounding thunder. 

They held each other tight as Jonghyun came, soft sigh echoing a surprised, delighted moan. He threw his head back, hands on Jinki’s chest as he kicked up the rhythm of his hips, coaxing the orgasm out of Jinki with each twitch around him.

Jinki’s breath quickened, and he instinctively grabbed Jonghyun’s hand, palms touching in the simplest of ways as his vision blurred and he lost himself in everything, in the rush of his feelings all coming to the forefront. He came with a noise that sounded close to a sob.

The rain seemed to quiet down just as their bodies did, and neither of them said a word as the rush of their release slowed down to a stop. Jinki blinked, looking at Jonghyun’s flushed face. Jonghyun shifted, letting Jinki’s softening cock slip out of him and falling over on his back. They laid side by side, skin cooling and arousal dissipating as reality set in.

He turned to look at Jonghyun, and a silence hung heavy in the air. They slowly touched hands, but Jinki’s mind was reeling with the implications of what had happened. He tried to read what Jonghyun was thinking in his face, but for once his emotions weren’t written there plainly. His mouth was a neutral line, but his eyebrows were furrowed at the center of his forehead. He squeezed Jinki’s fingers in a friendly tug, but it was guarded.  
Jinki didn’t know where to go from here, and his brain was too foggy with sleep and shock for him to come to any immediate conclusions. 

“Should we shower?” Jonghyun asked, voice ringing out in the quiet room. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said with a sigh. “You go first.”

Jonghyun laughed, and Jinki felt a different kind of ache, an ache that wished they didn’t have to leave, that wished the thunderstorm would go on forever, like it was the catalyst for the explosion between them. 

Jonghyun slowly climbed off the bed, and Jinki felt like he should be saying something else. Instead, Jonghyun flashed him a tired smile and shuffled out the bedroom door. 

Later, when the storm had dulled to a gentle trickling that washed waves of calm over their sleepy minds, Jinki watched the rise and fall of Jonghyun’s chest and listened to the pattern of his breath that echoed the raindrops—trying to hold onto the night.

  



	5. Home

  
As the morning light dawned, it seemed like everything had been put back in its place. No longer was the wind carrying the promise of change, of some kind of shift in the atmosphere. The birds chirped outside the nearest window, and Jonghyun let out a sleepy noise of discontent. It was just like every morning that had passed with ease throughout their week. Jinki blinked hard as he woke up, with the feeling that the night before had been stored in some parallel universe far from where they lay.

The only difference that remained was Jinki’s head on Jonghyun’s chest, and for a moment he felt hopeful. 

The butterflies in his stomach beat their wings with fervor as Jonghyun’s eyelids slipped open, squinting against the harsh sun. They looked at each other for a moment, Jonghyun’s soft smile spreading across his face. That wasn’t anything new either. Jinki held his breath, questions on the tip of his tongue, and in the back of his mind expecting a kiss. 

Instead, they blushed and looked away once the moment of silence had gone on for too long. Jinki chastised himself for not saying something, but the words were stuck in his throat, thoughts he’d never said out loud and that were too foreign for his mouth to give voice too. The sun was too hot, the room was too bright, and it was too early to confront what had happened. 

They stepped around each other as they finished packing and loaded their suitcases in the car, headed for the airport. As Jonghyun pulled out of the driveway, Jinki noticed both guesthouse owners walking outside the office with coffee cups and cigarettes in hands. He glanced down at his lap, feeling unworthy of witnessing their easy partnership.

As they travelled down the mostly empty highway, Jinki reached for the radio dial to cut through some of the awkward quiet. Jonghyun must have had the same idea because their fingers brushed on the way there, knuckles knocking not unlike how they’d touched the night before when Jonghyun had undressed Jinki in the dark. 

They blushed, both immediately dropping their hands. “Sorry,” Jonghyun apologized quickly, biting his lip as he kept his eyes on the road.

“It’s fine,” Jinki said, barely audible. The skin of his fingertips was still buzzing from the contact as he remembered how those same hands had been buried in his hair, stroking the inside of his bottom lip, and steadfastly wrapped around his dick. 

Jinki decided the silence was simply due to their exhaustion, but as they drove further away from the city, from the room that held the memory of what they’d shared, Jinki felt more and more like it could only exist there. He felt that once they touched back down in Seoul, all evidence of it would be gone in a haze of smoke.

When they arrived at their gate in the airport, Jonghyun wandered off around a corner and Jinki sat alone, knee bouncing with restless energy. He tried to listen to music, but his mind drifted off and all he could feel was irritation at every song. He watched a young couple across from him fall asleep while leaning on each other’s shoulders, hands intertwined. 

“Hungry?” Jonghyun’s voice came from behind him, and a chocolate croissant appeared in front of his face. “I bought breakfast.”

Jinki nodded awkwardly, feeling like this was some sort of truce as their hands brushed when he reached for it. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Jonghyun replied, and a smile tried to reach his eyes. “Got coffee too,” he said as he plopped an iced americano down in the cup holder on the side of the chair.

“That’s nice, thanks,” Jinki flashed an appreciative grin before turning to the pastry in his lap, buttery pieces flaking off and sticking to his thumb. 

It was a normal gesture, Jonghyun buying food for both of them, but Jinki’s insides were screaming at how innocuous it was. He wanted to blurt out something entirely inappropriate, to ask what last night meant to Jonghyun, and if he was thinking about it now like Jinki was. 

But they sipped their coffee in silence as they waited for their flight, Jonghyun with his headphones in and staring off into the distance with a blank, completely unreadable look. 

While boarding the plane, Jonghyun’s arm seemed to bump Jinki’s more times than it ever had, and as he tried to get comfortable in the middle seat and Jinki nestled himself by the window, their knees knocked. As quick as they came together, they separated, and Jinki’s heart raced. It was just like before, when he’d been getting used to Jonghyun’s presence again. He was hyper-aware of every movement, of the distance between their bodies. 

He leaned against the window and watched the clouds while Jonghyun unpacked his notebook and began his fervent scribbles. Jinki analyzed and replayed every second of the night before, how Jonghyun had sounded and felt, the exact words they said to one another. His stomach twisted up in knots as he came to a shattering realization.

Jonghyun was lonely, and Jinki was familiar. He probably needed the comfort of a warm body by his side that he knew and trusted, and Jinki was the one he’d sought out. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself and unable to look at him. He couldn’t find another explanation for the awkwardness stewing between them, and he knew how impulsive Jonghyun could be. The moment had been right, a perfect meeting of two bodies who needed something from one another. It just hadn’t been the same something. 

Jinki’s head swam, realizing how he’d misread every clue, how much he’d let his own wishes overshadow everything. He heard the swift scratch of Jonghyun’s pen, felt the overwhelming existence of him so close that Jinki could see the slope of his nose from the corner of his eye. His chest tightened, heart locked in its unrelenting cage. 

When they touched down at Gimpo, Jinki felt shaky as they exited, as he watched the fabric of Jonghyun’s sweatpants swish back and forth in front of him on the way through security and to the terminal. They had been whisked back to reality, to the bustling metropolis that stopped for no one, to the overcast sky that loomed ahead in dull gray. Jinki realized with a pang that he had to work the next morning. 

While they waited for the train to take them into the city, Jinki looked at Jonghyun. He recalled the places he’d kissed and where his hands had held him. The memory felt weak, like he could barely conjure it up, but he knew it was there. He knew he had tasted the inside of his mouth, had smelled the saltiness of his sweat, had touched the silky skin between his thighs. He would never forget it, but he decided he would accept it. 

If all he could have of Jonghyun was one night, he would hold it close in the center of his heart. If he needed someone to be a place of comfort, or frenzied pleasure and lust, Jinki would be that. He would rather take any little piece of Jonghyun he was willing to offer, than lose him completely. 

He bumped their shoulders as the train car pulled up. Jonghyun’s eyes widened, pulled out of his daze. 

“Get some rest today,” Jinki said. “Traveling is tiring.”

Jonghyun smiled, and it seemed more like his usual. “You too. You deserve it.”

They glanced between each other and the floor, and Jinki wondered how okay they could ever be again. 

“Let me know if you’re free next weekend?” Jonghyun asked, voice raised in the most innocent hopefulness. Jinki looked away. 

“Yeah…” he said, watching the train as it rushed towards them. “I definitely will.”

Jonghyun smiled again, but his eyes kept darting around, fingers toying with the wire of his headphones sitting limply in his hand. “I’ll text you.”

“Perfect,” Jinki said, and didn’t let his smile falter. 

They sat next to each other for the ride, and Jonghyun kept his knees to himself. Jinki swallowed his frustrations, watched the rain trickle down the train car’s windows. He resented the weather and the way he felt like it was mocking him. Jonghyun’s eyes stayed closed until they reached the Hongik University stop where Jinki would get off. Jinki stood as the train slowed down. He came up with a million different things to say. 

“See you around, Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun said instead, looking up at him with his big, pretty eyes. His hair was ruffled and unstyled, soft and fluffy on top of his head. He was wearing two blemish patches on his chin, and his shirt was too big for him. Jinki wondered what would happen if they kissed in front of everyone. 

“See you around,” he said back, and when he stepped off the train he practically sprinted to the nearest bathroom. Inside the stall he laid his forehead on the cool plastic of the door, and counted each thump of his heartbeat until it slowed. He breathed slowly and evenly, and didn’t think about what he was running from.  


  
\---

  


In Taemin’s kitchen, Jinki swirled his spoon around in the bowl of dried pollack soup that Kibum had made. Four days had passed since Jinki and Jonghyun had parted ways at the airport, and Jinki had been avoiding him expertly. It was reminiscent of high school, when he got overwhelmed by his feelings for Jonghyun and hid in his room so he wouldn’t have to think about him. Their lives seemed to carry on in a flat circle, familiar moments recurring again and again with only the contexts changing. 

The noise of Taemin’s slurping was deafening as he hunched over his soup bowl. Kibum shot him an annoyed glare as he joined the two of them at the table, sliding a plate of freshly made pajeon across it. Kibum looked frustrated as he spooned out a bowl of soup for himself and started eating. They were quiet as the minutes ticked by, as Jinki zoned out and his food got cold. 

“Do you remember what I said about him?” Kibum broke the silence, gaze fixated on Jinki and pinning him to his seat. 

Jinki thought back to the night they’d been to dinner together, how Jonghyun had laughed with Youngbae and Jinki had tried to work past his jealousy. It seemed like so long ago. “How I’ll always want to know more,” Jinki recalled. He felt Taemin’s eyes on him. “I guess it was a bad thing after all. I wanted to know too much.”

Kibum gave him a sad smile. It seemed reluctant as it moved over his face, like he’d been hiding it and didn’t want it to be true. “There’s something about childhood friends,” he mused, looking out the window with brows furrowed. “They’re always dangerous.”

“I think I really messed it up,” Jinki admitted, watching the pieces of fish float around in his soup broth. 

“What if he also thinks he messed it up?” Taemin suddenly said, face concentrated like it got when he was in the middle of a match, or when he practicied choreography until his feet hurt. “What if he’s afraid that he wanted to know too much, too?”

Jinki averted his eyes, always thrown off balance by Taemin’s eerie intuition. 

“I don’t know, maybe,” he concluded. In the back of his mind, it felt like it was true, but the vulnerability that he’d shown Jonghyun had scared him back into the place he had been before. Jeju had been an anomaly, the only time Jinki could’ve grasped at the courage to reveal his heart, and it had passed him by. 

“I think you should talk to him,” Kibum advised with a stern, resolute expression. “But first, eat your dinner.”

  


  
\---

  


realjonghyun90: are you free on friday? 8:30?  
realjonghyun90: i wanna go out  
realjonghyun90: i’ll pay

dlstmxkakwldrl: the usual place?

realjonghyun90: always

  


  
\---

  


Their first dinner here had been peaceful, warm and inviting and one of the early steps to the rekindling of their friendship. As they sat across from each other now, Jinki’s stomach felt weighed down by a rock. 

Jonghyun looked like he’d put more thought into his outfit than usual, with a crisp white dress shirt tucked into tight black pants. Jinki was self-conscious in his plain t-shirt, and inevitably their knees bumped under the low tables. The lights felt too bright this time, emanating sharp and sterile instead of the calm orangey glow that Jinki remembered. Jonghyun took a long gulp of beer, and Jinki caught sight of the spot on his collarbone where a red patch was still fading, the site of one of many kisses.

“I wrote a lot of lyrics and poetry on our trip,” Jonghyun offered, trying to start some kind of conversation. “And this week I started coming up with some music to go with them.”

Jinki smiled, trying to feel excited for him, trying to ignore the words he wanted to say that burned in the back of his throat. He would try to find normalcy again, if only to make Jonghyun happy. 

“That’s great,” he said. “Keep doing what you’re doing and one day you’ll be a celebrity.”

Jonghyun laughed, a surprised sound that felt too loud to Jinki’s ears. Jonghyun seemed to think so too, as he blushed and looked into his beer glass. “I don’t want that kind of life.”

Jinki took a sip of his drink, noticing the way Jonghyun sat with shoulders slightly deflated. Dark circles colored the skin under his eyes, and Jinki remembered how bad his insomnia was. Worry instantly flooded his brain, and he almost invited him to stay over—if only to help sleep come more easily.

They both reached for a piece of radish kimchi at the same time, the clang of their chopsticks as they collided ringing in Jinki’s ears for longer than normal.

“Ah—”

“Sorry—”

Their voices overlapped, and Jinki felt his face heat up in embarrassment and frustration. Jonghyun gave him a small smile, and pushed the little dish closer to Jinki’s side of the table. 

“Here, you go first.”

“Thanks,” Jinki nodded, and as he reached out to pick up a piece, he bumped Jonghyun’s hand accidentally. His skin was smooth and soft, just like he’d remembered, and he felt that zing of heat shooting up his arm. He couldn’t stand it, the way their bodies found each other without their express permission. He felt the tension sitting between them like a stone wall, impossible to break through or jump over. A moment of agonizing silence passed.

“What kind of life do you want?” He found himself asking, voice shaky at the end of the sentence. He didn’t look Jonghyun in the eyes. 

Jonghyun blinked quickly, looking taken aback and unsure of how to answer. Regret started building in Jinki’s gut—a sick, sad feeling. 

“I just want something simple, that’s all I need,” Jonghyun began, speaking each word carefully like every syllable was important. He fixed Jinki with an expectant look. “It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

He was hinting at something beyond what he’d said, and Jinki was only halfway sure of the meaning. Childhood friends really were dangerous, with how they’d crossed each other’s paths in so many stages of life, and come to know one another but not in the same ways. It would be too messy, Jinki realized. It would be too complicated, to try and forge something serious and long term out of a connection that had been based on pure coincidence in a busy classroom on that first day of middle school. 

“Right,” Jinki said, mouth dry as sandpaper. “Gotta keep sight of the most important things, and not get distracted.”

Something flickered through Jonghyun’s eyes, so quick it was barely noticeable. It was a shift of some kind of understanding, an acceptance of what had been left unsaid. Jinki didn’t know why it was so hard to just admit to what he was thinking out loud, but when he tried to speak his mind went blank. 

“Thanks for coming to dinner,” Jonghyun said with a small smile. “I really cherish our friendship, you know.”

Jinki nodded, biting back the lump in his throat. “Yeah, me too. I would never want to lose it.”

He tried not to look sad, tried to remind himself of what he’d promised; that he would take what he could get just like he always had. It felt like a privilege just to enjoy Jonghyun’s company, but the fact that he’d had that and more would always eat at him. Whenever he saw him, he’d always remember his face up close right before they kissed. 

Jonghyun smiled again, but his eyes were heavy, like he was carrying part of Jinki’s burden. 

“Goodnight,” he said as they exited the restaurant, and he reached his hand out timidly. Jinki caught his breath in his throat, afraid of touching him because he knew he’d never want to let go. 

“Sleep well,” Jinki replied, squeezing his palm. It was warm and safe like Jinki remembered. He remembered it laying on his bare chest, he remembered grasping it while they stood at the top of the world. 

He watched Jonghyun’s retreating back as he headed to the subway station, and it reminded him of the view he’d had of Jonghyun at the airport, walking down the long passage to the security line. He could almost see that scared kid with his bag slung over his shoulder like a storybook adventurer. He could almost see himself too, confession hovering right behind his lips. 

He walked home slowly, taking his time so he wouldn’t have to be alone. The light was on in Taemin’s bedroom, but Jinki didn’t want to admit to him that his theory had been wrong. He unlocked his apartment and made it to his bedroom door before the tear slipped down his cheek. He wiped frantically, refusing to yield until he was inside his room, a place that seemed hidden from everything. 

He laid on his bed and silently let his tears fall.

  


  
\---

  


A week after their dinner, Jinki visited his parents. He hadn’t talked to Jonghyun since that night, burying himself in his projects at work as a way to avoid his feelings. The habit of turning to his bare responsibilities in order to get by had carried over from high school, and even if it wasn’t the best way of dealing with things it was the only way he knew how. 

Once Friday came, though, Jinki felt a pull to go back—to visit one of the sites of all his emotional turmoil. He also wondered if a home-cooked meal would soothe the aches he felt, even if they weren’t physical. 

He slipped through the front gate quickly, taking great care to avoid looking down Jonghyun’s street. His mother had made a big seafood stew, spicy and filling with enough portions to feed Jinki for weeks in the form of leftovers. She fussed over his hair and grumbled at him to shave as she set the table and called for his father. Jinki couldn’t help but smile, the familiarity of the scene resonating with him and lifting his spirits a little. 

“I’m overjoyed that you’re here, but I can’t help wondering what brings my son home,” his mom said with a teasing, but genuinely nosy glint in her eye as she took her first bite. 

Jinki wasn’t sure how to answer, knowing that the truth of the situation couldn’t be easily said, but unable to come up with an excuse that would compensate for it. He helped himself to a big mouthful of rice as a deflection. 

His dad pushed his glasses up further on the bridge of his nose, eyes narrowing in Jinki’s direction. “It’s heartbreak, I can already tell.”

Jinki blushed deep red, almost choking on the rice and quickly trying to swallow so he wouldn’t look suspicious. He downed a huge gulp of water while his mother looked pensive. He fumbled for something to say helplessly, unable to think clearly when he’d just been so blatantly seen.

“It’s Jonghyun, isn’t it?” his mother finally said, a troubled look coming over her face, like she had expected as much. Jinki completely froze.

“W-what?”

“Ever since they were kids,” his dad agreed, talking with his mouth full as he shook his chopsticks animatedly. He turned to Jinki. “Your mother and I were just waiting for the day you two would make it official.”

Jinki couldn’t believe what he was hearing, watching his mom nod in acknowledgement and his dad chew thoughtfully like it was the most casual dinner conversation, like they were simply discussing what they’d seen on the news that day or what Jinki’s cousins were up to lately. 

“I can’t believe it didn’t work out though,” his mom continued, brow furrowed as she lifted another spoonful of soup to her mouth. “You always looked at each other like there was no one else around.”

Jinki blushed, feeling it all the way to the tips of his ears and down the back of his neck. Confusion rolled off of him in waves, followed by a warm sense of relief, of a weight he had forgotten he was carrying being lifted off his shoulders.

“You...knew?” It was all he could think to ask. 

His mother’s eyes went soft with understanding, and she reached over to pat his arm lovingly. “Of course I knew. You’re my only son, after all.”

Jinki kept his eyes on his food, still unable to muster the courage to look up and face his parents. His eyes pricked with warm tears, but they sat still in his lash line. “You’re not mad?”

“Never in a million years.”

Jinki sniffled, glancing over to see his mom smiling wide. He caught his dad’s eyes from across the table, and he gave him a reassuring nod. “It will all work out,” he said, like it was an indisputable fact. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, more grateful than he had the words for. 

His mom smoothed out his hair and rubbed a thumb across his cheek, eyes a little watery as emotions spilled out from all sides of the table. Jinki couldn’t know if his dad was right; if things really would work out the way he wanted. He had already given up hope, but he had to admit that he missed Jonghyun badly. He missed the casual way they touched, he missed when they shared laughter, and all the teasing comments they threw each other’s way. 

He smiled into his bowl, a measure of security settling in his bones. Something about the universe had clicked into place, even if it wasn’t what he’d expected. 

After they finished eating as much as their stomachs could handle, Jinki helped his mom wash dishes and pack up the extra food into containers for him to take back to his apartment. He laughed with a newfound lightness as she told him funny stories of what had been happening with their family members lately, with the people at her job, and the plot of the movie her and his dad had recently gone to see. 

Once the TV started playing the newest drama his mom had been invested in, and she sat glued to the screen while his dad dozed off in the living room chair, Jinki’s feet led him up the stairs to his bedroom. He stood outside the door, less cautious than he’d been before. He hadn’t seen the inside of it in longer than he wanted to admit, but something pushed him forward. 

Everything was as it had always been, his mom having kept up with cleaning it periodically. His desk sat in the corner, an old CSAT study book and some stray pencils perched on the edge. Posters that he hadn’t bothered to bring with him to his new place hung loyally on the walls, and old clothes that hadn’t fit him in years were folded up in his wardrobe. 

He opened it slowly, saw the neat rows of blankets and sheets stacked on top of each other. They smelled fresh, like his mom had washed them every week with the other laundry. He pressed his nose to the softest one, one he remembered using on nights when Jonghyun stayed over. He only imagined that it still smelled like him, memories from the past and the recent present overlapping each other. 

He sat in his desk chair, heard it creak softly with the weight. The curtains on the window were drawn back, showcasing the tops of buildings and the yellow glow of the city’s lights. Jinki rubbed his hands across his desk, feeling the texture of the wood. It felt weird to be in his room, especially when it had barely changed, when his mom had kept up with it so that it stayed as familiar as possible. He wondered, if he had paid regular visits to the space, if it had grown with him and changed the way he had, if it would hold the same eternal quality. 

Memories of his and Jonghyun’s friendship clung to ever corner, but they were warm and untouched by the miscommunications that had plagued them in adulthood. They were innocent in nature, curious and just a little confused like Jinki had been. 

He stood from the chair and walked to the window, looking down at the blinking light of the convenience store that would always be there. He saw a figure standing inside by the door. It was Jonghyun, about to walk outside. Jinki’s heart rate picked up, realizing that he recognized him instantly even from far away. 

He held his breath as Jonghyun walked out. He was holding a bottle of the iced tea he had always loved to drink, and he stopped on the sidewalk to take a sip. Jinki instinctively laid his palm against the window, as if trying to reach out, to find the common ground they had shared before, when things were so much simpler. 

As he screwed the lid back on the bottle, Jonghyun’s eyes inevitably traveled upwards, as if he knew where he wanted to look and could feel Jinki staring. They gazed at each other from across the street. The whole world fell silent around them, and Jonghyun’s eyes were brighter than the convenience store sign as it flickered off and on in its never ending sequence.

They stared at each other until a car passed by, breaking their line of eye contact and cutting the moment short. Jonghyun looked down, then walked the other direction back up the street to his house. Jinki stayed by the window, hand on the glass until it started to feel damp. 

When he pulled it away, it had left a mark, the outlines of his fingerprints fading quickly into nothingness. 

He decided to sleep in his room for the night, pulling the old sheets and mat down from the wardrobe shelf and arranging his bedding on the floor in the routine he knew well. He listened to the sounds of his parents shuffling around downstairs as they turned the lights off in the house and prepared for bed.

As his eyes started to feel heavy, exhaustion dragging his body into sleep, Jinki noticed a dark shape across the room, perched on top of his bookshelf. Sitting in the back corner behind a row of picture frames, was a black hat. It was a black top hat made out of paper with a bright red ribbon wrapped around its brim; the same hat Jonghyun had given him as a birthday present at the end of their first year of middle school.

Jinki wondered if even back then, in a dark corner of his mind, if he had somehow known the truth of his feelings which would go on to grow until they became an ever present weight in his chest.

  


  
\---

  


Jinki woke up early Saturday morning and helped his mom fix breakfast. The clatter of dishes and the low frequency of the kitchen radio were sounds from his childhood that reminded him of every quick meal before school, before he’d dash out the door and down to the bus stop to meet up with Jonghyun.

There was a comfort in knowing his mom still played that radio every day as she shuffled around the kitchen, tossing ingredients into the bubbling soup pot and chopping vegetables with rhythmic precision. Jinki helped where he could, and his father watched the news from the living room. 

As the day waned on, Jinki found reasons to stay. He offered to help his mom vacuum, and folded the clean laundry diligently. He even cleaned the bathroom, scrubbing the sink and toilet and rearranging the toothbrush holder and soap dish. His mother didn’t question him, only smiled warmly at his help and gave him advice on how to get out stubborn stains from his father’s white t-shirts. 

In the evening, Jinki watched TV with his dad while drinking a cup of tea that his mom had made for him. His muscles were worn out from all the movement he’d done, but it was a good kind of exhaustion that made him feel accomplished. It was getting closer to dinnertime, but his mom had told him to relax for a bit while she handled it. Sitting on the couch, he could see through the window above the TV perfectly. It faced Jonghyun’s street, and Jinki’s eyes kept gravitating towards it.

He made himself look away once he realized he’d been getting distracted too frequently. He stared down into his mug of tea, or tried to find something of interest in the evening news that his dad was so engrossed in. 

“Someone’s at the door,” his mom suddenly called from the kitchen. “Can one of you please go answer it?

Jinki jumped at the chance to get up and do something, to keep his body moving so that his mind would have less opportunity to wander. He walked out the front door and down the steps to the gate. He pulled it open slowly, about to let out a timid greeting, when he saw a familiar sharp jawline and a casual sweep of dark hair. 

Jinki hesitated, one hand on the gate ready to push it closed again. Jonghyun waved his fingers in a simple hello.

He took a deep breath, and widened the gap between the two doors until he saw Jonghyun’s entire face, as heart-stopping as ever. They looked at each other for a moment, words still not coming easily. Jonghyun’s t-shirt and sweatpants were loose and comfortable, making Jinki yearn for a simple hug.

“Wanna come over?” Jonghyun asked, smiling timidly as he glanced between Jinki and the sidewalk. He lifted a plastic bag full of bright green soju bottles. “I bought drinks.” The sun was slowly setting behind him, casting a pinkish hue across his profile. The color of romance. 

Standing there after more than a week of avoidance, Jinki staggered at the intensity of the rise in his chest when he saw him, the fluttery excited feeling that hummed under his skin and through his veins. He’d gotten used to the routine of daily life, its humdrum and often monotonous existence. It had been that way when Jonghyun was in America, too. Jinki had settled in the easy pace of the way things had been before. 

“Sure, just let me ask my mom first,” he said—a lighthearted joke to ease the heavy feeling that hung between them, to try and mend what had been bent. Jonghyun laughed, and Jinki hadn’t forgotten how it twinkled like music. 

“I think she’ll be okay with it,” Jonghyun replied, pointing behind Jinki’s head. Jinki turned around to see his mother standing by the window near the front door, smiling wide and giving an enthusiastic wave. 

Jinki shook his head, only a little embarrassed. He and Jonghyun waved back to her at the same time. 

“I ordered chicken too,” Jonghyun said as they walked the short distance down the road to Jonghyun’s house. Their feet hit the ground at the same time, the sound of shoes scuffing softly on pavement. The sky was alive with swaths of color; bright and big and infinite as it stretched ahead of them in pink and orange. 

“Oh, thanks,” Jinki said, pleasantly surprised. “My favorite.”

Jonghyun gave him a quiet smile. “I know.”

He did know. He had known that since middle school, and he would always know that, because Jinki’s favorite food was chicken and Jonghyun’s was any kind of noodle or pasta, and they had known that for so long it was second nature. 

The house was quiet when they walked in, Roo sleeping peacefully on the couch instead of greeting them with her excited bark at the door. Jonghyun’s mom ushered them into the kitchen where the boxes of steaming hot fried chicken had just arrived. Jonghyun gave Sodam a quick look, barely locking eyes for a moment, as he picked up the nearest box and tucked it under his arm. 

Jinki faltered, unsure of what to do as Jonghyun smiled and headed towards his bedroom. Jinki was more than happy to eat with his whole family, but something in Jonghyun’s step was determined and purposeful. Jinki gave a polite bow as he backed out of the room and followed him.

Inside, Jonghyun’s bedding was already rolled out and made on the floor in front of his fireplace, and the candles along its mantle were lit, warm glow making the room feel cozy and safe. Jonghyun pulled a round end table over to a spot next to the bedding, and they huddled around it with their homey meal.

Jinki was surprised at how easy it felt, how his heart beat calm and steady in Jonghyun’s most personal space, sitting close enough that the soles of their feet touched. They passed the soju back and forth, wiping greasy hands on paper towels and smiling at how delicious and satisfying it all was. It was enough, Jinki thought, to be able to share companionable silence and understanding friendship like they always had. 

“It’s nice,” Jinki commented, the first word anyone had spoken since they’d walked into the room. “Eating in here. The candles and the fireplace give it a real ambiance.”

Jonghyun snorted out an amused laugh, leaning on his hands and looking around the room. “You sound like me.”

Jinki tossed his head back after taking another bite of chicken, chuckling in agreement. He held a hand in front of his face to keep from spewing food out of his mouth. “Ambiance...you really would say that.”

“You should start writing all my lyrics for me,” Jonghyun teased. “Now who’s the poet?”

Jinki shook his head, taking another drink. He leaned his elbows on his legs, sitting with them crossed. “Never,” he asserted. “I’m not the best with words.”

Jonghyun’s expression deepened, looking at the floor in thought. “Me neither. Not always, anyway.”

A silence stretched on that Jinki filled by finishing off their first bottle, tossing it triumphantly in the open bag sitting near them. “One down,” he smiled. 

Jonghyun rolled his eyes in playful annoyance. “I can’t keep up...I’ve already had too much.”

Jinki laughed, noticing the tell-tale pink color of his cheeks. The chicken was almost gone, only the smallest pieces left at the bottom of the box that Jinki was tempted to nibble on, but he had already had more than enough to feel full and content. The sun had fully set outside, leaving Jonghyun’s candles as the immediate point of light in the room. He liked how Jonghyun looked in front of them, backlit by their flickering flames that moved in every direction, never completely still but always burning. 

The night held some kind of resolution. They had met back up in the most characteristic way, sharing food in a place of comfort and throwing easy banter back and forth. The fell back into step together, inevitably like the passage of time. 

Jinki laid down, hands on his stomach and looking at the ceiling. “I’m stuffed,” he said, pleasant low buzz coming on. Jonghyun hummed in agreement, and Jinki heard the sound of his body shifting on the floor as he pushed the table away and scooted near Jinki to sit cross-legged. Jinki turned to lay on his side, looking up at Jonghyun with a smile. 

Jonghyun’s hair looked like it had just been washed, and his eyes were tired but happy, full of a comfortable warmth that Jinki knew well. They stared at each other for a moment, and Jinki wasn’t afraid to do it. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the way the night moved around them, but he wasn’t scared to look into his eyes and hold his gaze, even if it revealed too much.

“Jinki—” he started.

“Yes?”

Jonghyun blushed, glancing down for a moment where he was picking at the skin around his fingernails. “Can I play you a song I’ve been working on?”

Jinki’s heart stopped. He’d been quiet about it, letting Jonghyun work at his own pace and not prying for sneak peeks at lyrics or snippets of melodies, even when he mentioned being busy writing them. It felt like crossing the most important milestone. 

“I’d love that.”

“Really?” Jonghyun asked, face lighting up in relief and delight. Jinki was practically shaking with giddy anticipation. He sat up quickly, ready to give his full attention.

“Of course. I’m so excited,” he said. Jonghyun smiled shyly and stood up, walking over to the mic stand in his recording booth corner. He fiddled with some dials on the soundboard, and adjusted the microphone nervously. Jinki waited patiently on the floor.

“I really hope you’ll like it,” Jonghyun said, and there was a hint of doubt in his eyes, like there was a real chance that Jinki wouldn’t.

“I know I will,” he said, a promise. 

Jonghyun smiled, still shy and unsure, but as always he knew himself. He knew what he wanted to show, and when. He pressed a button on the soundboard, and a few seconds of silence passed as the backtrack was queued to start. Jonghyun took a deep breath and Jinki waited.

The familiar strum of a guitar, light and easy. 

_Baby, when I’m with you  
I don’t care if we do nothing._

An opening line that brought Jinki back to high school, to a crowded gymnasium on a crisp October day when Jonghyun stood shaking in his t-shirt but looked on with the determined line of his jaw and his tight grasp on a microphone. 

_So comfortable, I fall over with laughter  
Over nothing._

Jonghyun’s voice was smoother, deeper and more sure of itself than the day of the school festival that lived behind them in faint memory. The instrumentals were more dynamic, layers of new sounds that Jinki hadn’t heard back then when all Jonghyun had was Youngbae with his faithful guitar. The lyrics had matured in their structure and delivery, Jonghyun’s tone sensual and soft like velvet. Everything had grown up like the two of them had, but it was still that same first song. 

_I don’t even know how my days are passing_  
The moment I open my eyes, to when I close them,  
I’m filled with you.

Jonghyun looked at him, holding his gaze across the space in-between. Jinki looked back, grasped onto the line that had just been sung, gently tossed across the room from Jonghyun’s mouth to Jinki’s ears. He held his breath, heart hammering in a hopeful stutter. Time slowed down, his vision tunneled, until there was only Jonghyun and the lilting of his sweet voice—soft like spring rain and warm like the summer sun.

_(In my dark room, your white legs)_  
Stretch them out baby, get comfortable baby.  
(In my dark room, your white legs)  
When I hold you in my arms  
Then I know.

Jinki blushed, and a teasing smirk drew up the side of Jonghyun’s face. It was too cheesy, but always charming, and the most comforting sight in the world. 

_Love is so nice.  
Love is so nice._

Jinki held his breath in the middle of his throat, and his heart in the palm of his hand, as everything clicked into place. Jonghyun’s smile wasn’t nervous and shy anymore. It was confident and bright, blinding with its beauty. He closed his eyes again, losing himself in the comfortable, happy melody of the song. It was easy, honest and sweet just like everything about them. It was innocent, but still teased at something beyond playful flirtation, at possibilities brimming under the surface. Jinki remembered Jonghyun’s whisper in the dark, asking for a kiss. 

The moon was visible from the window, high in the sky and shining with a hazy yellow glow. Jinki listened to Jonghyun, felt the lyrics spreading through the room and filling it with the same lively spirit that the song harbored. 

_Wherever I go, whoever I meet, in the end,  
I’m on my way to see you._

Jonghyun sang like it was as natural as walking, as eating and laughing and touching and sleeping next to Jinki when his brain was in overdrive and the oasis of sleep didn’t bring calm. Jinki decided he would never have to worry about sleeping through the night again. 

The last line; a request. It was the simplest of questions that had only ever had one answer. 

_Baby stay with me._

The song ended on a whisper, and Jonghyun stepped out from behind the microphone. They stared at each other, took a tentative breath, and then Jonghyun crossed the distance with arms outstretched. 

They crashed into each other, Jonghyun’s arms around Jinki’s waist catapulting them back onto the soft cushion of his bedding. He buried his face in Jinki’s neck and they laid there together, listening to their hearts beating in sync.

“I told you I’d show you an improved version,” Jonghyun whispered into his hair. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

Jinki laughed, surprise and disbelief and sheer happiness tumbling out in an unstoppable wave of emotion. He laughed. He stroked Jonghyun’s hair. He held the material of his t-shirt in his hands. He smelled his perfume and the way it mixed with his skin. 

“You…” he said. It was the only thing he was thinking. It was only Jonghyun. 

Jonghyun lifted his head, tears welling up in his eyes. Jinki wiped them as they started to fall, holding the side of his face, gentle and sure as he pulled him close. Their lips touched and it was tender and curious, just like their first kiss had been. Jonghyun sniffled quietly, and Jinki smiled against it, their teeth clacking and rhythm faltering as the tears became laughter that shook his shoulders and made them pull away from each other.

“The song was about you. Even from the beginning,” Jonghyun said quietly. “I just had to figure that out.”

Jinki brushed Jonghyun’s hair out of his face, heart pounding at the statement, at the realization that this had been building for Jonghyun the same way it had been building for him. 

“All this time…” he mused, forehead wrinkling in frustration, still unable to come up with the words he wanted to say.

“It was always you.”

Jinki closed his eyes, felt the gravity of the truth at the very core of his being. The night had promised some kind of resolution, from the moment Jonghyun had showed up at his door with that irresistible soft smile. 

“I loved you before I even knew it,” Jinki said. 

Jonghyun’s eyes filled with tears again, face crumpling in overwhelmed emotion as he sobbed into Jinki’s shirt, holding on tight like he would never let go. With their arms around each other, nothing could stop it, the unrelenting force of their feelings that had been growing and growing until they overflowed like a flood. Jinki kissed his cheek.

“Everything you say, even now, you still manage to surprise me.” Jonghyun’s voice was muffled by the fabric of Jinki’s shirt, but Jinki could feel every word reverberating through his chest. 

He held Jonghyun’s face in both hands and kissed him again, quiet and slow so he could savor every second. Jonghyun pressed forward with eagerness, and the soft sound of their lips touching was the only noise in the room. Jonghyun shifted up for a better angle, hands slipping into Jinki’s hair and carding through it in slow strokes. Jinki trailed down Jonghyun’s back, holding him in place at the dip in his waist, feeling the warmth of his skin through his shirt. 

They kissed like that, tender but with no reservations, humming into each other’s mouths and letting the world slow down around them. It was familiar like the first time, but less urgent. There was no plane ride in the morning, no drastic break in reality or the scary confrontation of messy feelings. There was only the glow of the candlelight and the way Jonghyun pressed into him, solid and right and real.

Jonghyun let out a soft moan, muffled and surprised as Jinki’s teeth caught on his bottom lip. He sighed and kissed harder, their hips connecting and moving in experimental short circles. It was unhurried, wanting nothing more than to relish in each other’s touch. They pulled apart, then collided again with pleased noises of gradually building pleasure. Jinki slipped his hand up the back of Jonghyun’s shirt and rested his fingers on the line of his spine, gently scratching up and down.

Jonghyun arched into it, encouraging Jinki to pause at the waistband of his sweatpants and draw little circles on the skin there, teasing him with such light touches. Jonghyun squirmed, whiny noises escaping. They parted in shared laughter, breathless and thrumming with steadily building anticipation.

“I want you so much,” Jonghyun whispered, heated and unashamed. “I thought about you everyday, how I could show you my heart.”

Jinki took a deep breath, still in awe that his feelings were reciprocated even when they moved together so naturally that it felt inevitable to end up here. “I think you tried in Jeju,” Jinki said with a self-critical smile. “It felt too good to be true.”

Jonghyun laughed, looking away with an embarrassed blush. “My attempt at seduction,” he said with a smirk. “Flying you out on a romantic vacation and renting a place with only one bedroom...ah, really. It was too much.”

“It was exactly what you would do though,” Jinki said with a teasing grin, casually slipping his hand further down the small of Jonghyun’s back and under his waistband. “I was too busy trying to comprehend seeing you shirtless to realize what was going on.”

He slowly pushed Jonghyun’s pants down as he talked, taking the opportunity to grab his ass and just hold him there, not touching with any other goal in mind. Jonghyun still let out a little gasp, pushing back into Jinki’s hand and moving his hips in a subtle roll. 

“You’ve seen all that before, though,” he teased, cheeks still pink. “Nothing special.”

Jinki shook his head and ran his thumb along the side of Jonghyun’s face, clutching him by the back of his head. “No, not like that,” he said. He realized he could say everything he’d ever thought about Jonghyun now, and it would be more than welcome. “You’re _sexy._”

“Stop!” Jonghyun giggled, scrunching up his nose in mock disgust. “You can’t be cheesy too!”

Jinki laughed, slipping both hands down the back of Jonghyun’s pants and pulling them even further down, tugging him forward with both hands on him. “You know you are, you were showing off!”

Jonghyun’s eyelids fluttered as Jinki’s touch became more suggestive, running his hands in between his legs and back up to his waist. It didn’t keep him from giving one of his mischievous smirks, a streak of pride and self-awareness coming out. “Maybe I was…” he admitted. “I just wanted your attention.”

Jinki blushed, Jonghyun’s voice dipped low as he lazily rutted against him in unfocused circles. His dick was pressing against the waistband of his underwear that Jinki had pulled halfway down, and all the layers between them were added sites of friction that sent excited sparks through Jinki’s skin.

“You have it,” he whispered, one hand going up Jonghyun’s back and scratching some teasing lines. He shuddered. “You always have.”

“Come here,” Jonghyun insisted as he surged forward and grabbed Jinki’s face, mouth hot and trembling as he pulled him into another kiss. Jinki gasped and kissed back, letting Jonghyun press him down into the blankets with his hips.

Jonghyun was strong, hands clutching him and body squirming back and forth with growing desperation. Jinki moaned when Jonghyun sucked on his bottom lip, teeth catching and sending a jolt of heat up his spine. Their simmering desire continued to build into a roaring fire. Jonghyun gasped as he pulled away, and Jinki laid under him with cheeks warm and pink. 

Jonghyun pulled his shirt over his head and stood up so he could fully take off his pants. He was half-hard and flushed down his neck to his chest, candlelight playing off the ridges of all his muscles. Jinki hurried to undress himself too, kicking his clothes to the side in a frenzy.

Jonghyun kneeled down, crawling to bracket Jinki with his thighs and run his hands across his chest. For a moment, they were still. They looked at each other again, eyes exploring the way they had before. Jinki didn’t know how it was possible, but Jonghyun was even more beautiful the second time around. Jinki trailed a hand up his thigh and he leaned into it. 

“You know, I was really jealous of all those other people you slept with,” Jonghyun admitted with a soft smile. “I kept thinking about how lucky they were, and they probably didn’t even know it.”

“I’m glad they didn’t,” Jinki said. “I might not be here with you.”

Jonghyun shook his head. He trailed his hand down Jinki’s stomach to the curls of his pubic hair, lightly touching. “Don’t say that, I’m still emotionally fragile from confessing.”

Jinki laughed, belly shaking with the sound. Jonghyun gave him another knowing smirk, finally taking hold of Jinki’s dick fully and giving it a tug. He moaned appreciatively, arching into the movement. Jonghyun stroked slowly, watching each scrunch of Jinki’s eyes and the shake of his full lips when he let out a moan.

Steadily, Jonghyun leaned down, knees slipping back with a practiced ease and face coming closer to his hand. Jinki gasped in realization, hips involuntarily kicking up at the thought of Jonghyun’s mouth around him. 

“You want that?” Jonghyun’s voice was low and coaxing and Jinki’s head swam with how much he liked it. He nodded shamelessly. 

“Yes…” he admitted, breathless and unable to form a more coherent reply. Jonghyun just laughed warmly. 

He kept his eyes on Jinki as he sank down, tip of his dick slipping between his lips. Jinki shuddered and tried to control how badly he immediately wanted to press in. Jonghyun moaned around him, hardly sparing a moment before taking him deeper. Jinki’s eyes rolled back, pleasure shooting through him in rolling waves as Jonghyun moved up and down. 

Jonghyun had one hand wrapped around the base, thumb rubbing in slow circles while his mouth took care of the rest—wet slide beckoning Jinki to respond with thrusting hips. He hummed in appreciation when Jinki complied, losing himself in the friction and grip that Jonghyun had on him. 

Jonghyun’s pace was sure and firm, slow movements downward with his tongue hot and heavy on the underside. He bobbed his head up quick as soon as he came in contact with his hand, the wetness of his mouth and the build up of spit sticking to Jinki’s cock and making each sensation all the more overwhelming. 

“Ah..” Jinki sighed, breathy moans slipping out of him as Jonghyun teased him at the head with little licks followed by the agonizing touch of his fingers coming up from the base and rubbing with lazy, careful strokes. 

He pulled away after licking up the side one last time, eyes locked with Jinki’s and knowing he would hate to look away, hate to miss it. He smirked as he sat back, Jinki properly brought to the edge and aching for more. 

He stretched his body out on top of him, making sure Jinki felt the hard line of his cock against his, a shiver passing through their bodies when they touched. Jonghyun’s gaze was heavy and full of a deep unrelenting desire. He grasped Jinki by the back of the head and pulled their faces together until their noses touched. 

“What do you want?” he asked, breathing hard and drunk off the rush of tasting Jinki for the first time, sweat glistening on his collarbones. “I’ll give you anything.”

Jinki gasped into his mouth, sharing his breath and grabbing at his back, pent up feelings and frustrations all spilling out and making it easy to get lost in him. They rutted against each other with feverish, desperate kicks of their hips. It would’ve been too easy to get off like that, just moving with each other and using the heat between their bodies as the driving force. Jinki’s mind was foggy with his longing, and he wanted Jonghyun as close as they could get.

“I wanna feel you,” he whispered, catching his lips in a shaking kiss. Jonghyun moaned from just hearing Jinki say it, hanging his head on his shoulder and sucking a mark on the collarbone, unable to pull away, to stop touching him for the smallest moment. 

“Mmm, yes,” Jonghyun gasped, practically delirious. “Anything, anything.” He pulled away with wild eyes, grasping Jinki’s shoulders and giving them a squeeze before he hopped off his lap. He crossed the room in quick strides, rummaging around the mess on his writing desk. Jinki couldn’t help but laugh out loud. 

“You just have that stuff laying out in the open like that?” 

Jonghyun stilled with his hand by the bottle of lube that Jinki recognized from their trip. “Of course I do, where else am I gonna put it?”

Jinki felt his heart rising in his chest, like it was floating on a cloud. Jonghyun was so ridiculous. He was cheesy and goofy and wild. He was stubborn and moody and ruled by his emotions. He was self-conscious, but proud. Deeply passionate, and perfectly sweet. He was the kind of person who saw the sensitivity of every situation; who wore his heart on his sleeve. He planned elaborate trips just to show how much he cared. He wrote songs to say the simplest things that were too difficult to put into words. 

He left his lube and condoms in the same place where he kept his love poems. 

“I’m so in love with you,” Jinki said. 

Jonghyun paused, unsure of what had prompted Jinki to say it. He walked over to him slowly with a smile curving up the side of his face. “I’m so in love with you too.”

Jinki’s heart fluttered, all his affection swelling in him so full he wanted to scream from the rooftops with how much he felt. Jonghyun kneeled down beside him and they kissed, sweet and tender. When he pulled away, his eyes were shining with the same all-consuming feelings that Jinki knew were inside him too. 

He opened his legs as Jonghyun sat between them, pumping out lube on his fingers and giving Jinki an expectant look. “Ready?”

Jinki nodded, more sure of this than anything. “Always.”

Jonghyun grinned and nudged Jinki’s thighs further apart with his hand, wet fingers making Jinki shiver. The sensitive skin twitched under Jonghyun’s touch, and he pressed in gently. A low groan came from Jinki’s throat and tumbled out of his lips. He immediately shifted to meet Jonghyun’s slow thrust. He rubbed soothing circles along the inside of Jinki’s thigh, humming in appreciation of how much Jinki liked it. 

“You’re perfect,” he gushed, finger crooking up and coaxing Jinki open. “So perfect.”

Jinki blushed, at his most vulnerable. “Don’t—”

“I would never lie to you,” Jonghyun interrupted, voice soft and reassuring. Jinki smiled and arched into his touch. 

He worked him open with just one in slow, patient strokes, waiting for Jinki’s body to relax and get used to the stretch. When his cheeks were flushed pink and his hips picked up in more needy thrusts, Jonghyun nudged a second finger in next to the first. The room was quiet except for the sound of Jinki’s breathy moans and whines. He responded to each press of Jonghyun’s fingers with a push forward, shivering at the feeling of being slowly filled. 

The feverish heat of their desire had settled down, simmering in the space between them. Jinki was happy to experience the build up again, to enjoy the anticipation tingling in his fingertips and down his legs. He fell into the rhythm of Jonghyun’s touches, losing himself slowly and surprising himself when he whined for more. Jonghyun chuckled. 

“I can’t wait either,” he said, eyes twinkling. “But you’re so hot like this.”

Jinki blushed, thrown between Jonghyun’s sweet comments and dirty ones. He squirmed again, riding his hand with uneven thrusts. “You’re driving me crazy.”

Jonghyun smirked, but Jinki felt the careful entry of a third finger, and his eyes rolled back in ecstasy. Jonghyun leaned forward, deepening his angle as Jinki opened up around him, basking in the drag of his fingers. Jonghyun continued like that, alternating between pushing in with thick strokes and keeping his fingers pressed to one spot, letting Jinki find his own rhythm. 

Jonghyun swallowed, looking wild again and shaking with his own building need. “You want me? Want my cock?” He teased, voice all honeyed and smooth. 

Jinki instinctively let out a quiet moan, but covered his eyes in embarrassment. “How can you even say that!” He said, face bright red while his entire body responded to Jonghyun’s question for him, arching into his touch helplessly.

“You like it!” Jonghyun accused, eyes widening in disbelief, the expression he always had when Jinki’s teasing got to him too easily. “Look at you!” 

Their laughter echoed each other, spilling out uncontrollably as they realized how happy they were to be together, to share this moment and so many others. Jinki’s cheeks hurt from smiling so big and wide, and Jonghyun’s eyes shone with all the brightness of every star in the sky. 

“Maybe I do,” Jinki sighed, hands coming to rest on his chest as Jonghyun nudged his fingers in further. Jinki quieted down, falling back into the rhythm of being stretched. He gave Jonghyun a suggestive eyebrow raise. “So give it to me, then.”

Jonghyun’s movement stopped, a huff of surprise escaping his lips as he met Jinki’s eyes with a flirtatious smirk of his own. He pulled his fingers out slowly and Jinki shuddered, unable to keep from whining at the loss of something inside him. Jonghyun’s smirk widened as he put the condom on, then pumped more lube in his palm. He gave himself a quick, placating stroke, and widened the space between Jinki’s thighs. 

“How are you so demanding?” he teased, lining himself up. 

“I’ve been waiting for years,” Jinki said, and it was true in a different respect. Jonghyun’s face went soft and he started to push in. 

“Me too.”

Jinki felt it from the top of his head to the soles of his feet as Jonghyun inched inside, the wet sound of lube making a loud noise with each movement. He placed his free hand on Jinki’s knee while his other one helped to nudge himself in, going slow so Jinki could get used to it. 

“Ohh…” he sighed, delirious with pleasure when he was more than halfway, laying his face on top of the hand on Jinki’s knee. Jinki responded by shifting forward, taking more of him until he was almost completely full. 

“Come on,” Jinki said, wriggling his hips again. “I want all of you.”

Jonghyun smiled, already looking spent with his hair in disarray, eyes glassy and face pink. He moved closer, bottomed out and then pulled back a little, before pressing in hard again. Jinki moaned, instantly meeting his thrusts. Jonghyun lunged forward, wrapping his arms around his neck as he started moving. 

“I really love you,” he whispered in his ear. “I’ll never stop saying it.”

Jinki clawed his hands down Jonghyun’s back, gripping him tight and keeping their bodies touching at every point. They shook against each other, thrusts matching up in perfect harmony and pulling near-simultaneous noises from their lips. Jonghyun leaned up on his elbows to look at Jinki, to watch the way his eyebrows furrowed and his eyelashes fluttered when he moaned for more. They were lost in the miraculous feeling of each other, the physical sensations that lit up every nerve ending, and the emotional high of sharing intimacy, of loving someone wholeheartedly. 

All the teasing from Jonghyun earlier had already brought Jinki close to the edge, and each bump of his stomach against his leaking cock pulled him closer. Jonghyun’s thrusts increased in speed and decreased in their precision, needy whines accentuating every snap of his hips as he panted for breath and sweat shone on his forehead. Jinki practically begged for him every time Jonghyun pulled out almost all the way and then pushed back in. He chased every thrust with his own, and the uncontrollable jump of his cock rubbing the softness of Jonghyun’s stomach. They shared a messy kiss, as if to give each other one more thing to hold onto, to bring them both shuddering closer to the edge. 

Jinki gasped when they pulled apart, foreheads touching and breath ghosting each other’s faces. “Make me come,” Jinki begged, knowing his request would never be denied. Jonghyun moaned, way too loud for the fact that he didn’t live alone but Jinki couldn’t care. He slowed down to fuck Jinki with hard, determined strokes and Jinki felt his vision blurring and the tightness of his release reaching its peak. He cried out as he shook around Jonghyun’s cock, clenching up as his hips jolted forward incessantly and his cum shot out on Jonghyun’s stomach.

Jonghyun’s noises became louder and more frequent as he felt Jinki’s tightening up around him. He held him steadfastly by the sides of his head and kissed him deep as his hips stuttered and he groaned out, gasping into Jinki’s mouth and whispering his name fervently, like the most urgent plea. 

They came down slow, skin cooling and the euphoria washing over them in calming waves that settled around the room in a pleasant hum. Jonghyun fell into his arms, still buried inside. Jinki stroked his hair and couldn’t keep the smile from his face. 

They were sticky with sweat and cum, but Jinki never wanted to get up. He would lie there until the end of time, with Jonghyun’s quiet steadying breath landing in puffs on his shoulder. It was nothing like the moment after in Jeju. There was no uncertainty, just peace. 

“Will you sleep over tonight?” Jonghyun whispered, and Jinki laughed warmly. 

“Every night.” 

Jonghyun turned his head to look at him, resting a cheek on his chest. Their breaths echoed each other, neither one making a move to pull away. “You mean that?”

Jinki brushed a piece of hair from his face. He was so lovely; dark brows and pretty eyelashes, with the most expressive eyes. The softest skin, full lips, kissable nose, and a smile that would always take Jinki’s breath away. He would never get tired of looking at him. 

“I’ve had more than enough time to think about it,” he assured him. 

Jonghyun’s eyes crinkled. He kissed Jinki again, just because he could. He reluctantly pulled out and flopped on his back next to him, and they clasped hands. Staring at the ceiling together, Jinki was content. Their lives had branched down various pathways, but in the end they found themselves at the same destination. 

“Will you write me another song?” He asked, still replaying the tune of the last one on a loop in his head. 

Jonghyun grinned. “As many as you want.” 

Jinki smiled and squeezed Jonghyun’s hand tight, thinking that it must be true happiness to share a love like theirs, that had been nurtured for years until it needed no more help, no more quiet prodding. It had only needed the hope that things would fall gently into place, just as they always had.

  


\---

  


  


The midday sun crept high in the sky on a quiet, unassuming late summer afternoon. Jonghyun sat in his desk chair, with his old bass guitar propped up in his lap. He strummed out an aimless tune, trying to find somewhere for a song to go. Jinki was on the floor, lounging in front of the fireplace, thumbing through the pages of a brand new library book. 

Jonghyun smiled when he looked at him. His heart skipped a beat, just like it had many times before when he’d caught Jinki in his line of sight. The scene was something pulled out of the pages of their high school lives, with Jinki comfortable and quiet, but still sitting near. Jonghyun had sat in the same chair he was in now on countless summer days, trying to stop the shaky feeling in his hands every time he looked Jinki’s way.

That had been then, when Jonghyun was tied up in a flurry of teenage hormones and anger at the world. It had been when Jinki was studiously trying to work his way through life too, putting his steady, calculated mind to every task and solving it like a long-term puzzle. Jonghyun would’ve kicked the puzzle board apart after the first hour. 

Separation had brought it all back to the forefront. Cutting himself off from the place he thought was dragging him down had revealed more than he’d been prepared for. In his cramped room in a New York City apartment, Jonghyun had gazed down streets he didn’t know, and pictured Jinki walking them in a slow, straight line. He’d imagined his nose buried in a book at Jonghyun’s favorite bench in Washington Square Park. He’d seen him in every male customer’s face at the Korean restaurant where he washed dishes, on the corner by the subway station. 

He’d tried to put pen to paper, but come up blank, eyes glossing over and brain fogging up if he stared at the white page for too long. Jonghyun had done everything he could to stop the roaring in his chest, the ache for something else that he didn’t already have. He had chased that feeling down long highways, down winding city streets, all the way back to an airport and a road in front of a humble house in a little neighborhood somewhere in the middle of Seoul. 

The light from the sun hit Jinki’s face at just the perfect angle, and the ideal lyric struck Jonghyun in the center of his brain. 

“I want to place you in my eyes, just as you are.”

Jinki lowered his book, expression blank. “What did you say?”

Jonghyun took a deep breath. “I just realized something.”

Jinki sat up, and his hair was ruffled from where his head had been lying on the floor for so long. He smiled. That smile, it was as pure as morning light and as safe and familiar as his mother’s cooking or the distinctive smell of his childhood home that no other place could carry. 

“Every song I’ve written. All the poetry in Jeju…” Jonghyun began, heart beating frantically like a drum. “I didn’t understand it, it just kept flowing out, and at the most random times.”

“I know, you pulled out your notebook in the middle of dinner that one night,” Jinki teased. 

Jonghyun grinned, sheepish, but he jumped up from his chair, crossing the distance to sit next to Jinki on the floor. His hands were shaking. “They were all about you.”

Jinki blinked. 

Jonghyun looked at Jinki, with his kind face and his youthful soul, his silly jokes and his ability to remain completely clueless and be the smartest person Jonghyun had ever known at the same time. He looked at Jinki, who he loved with all of his heart, and who had been the absolute constant through everything. 

“They were all about growing up, about my family, about home, and about you.”

“‘Will you write me another song’?” Jinki quoted himself from just a few nights ago.

“I already did.”

Jinki blushed, and Jonghyun’s fingers found his on the corner of the blanket. They touched, and it was what Jonghyun had been missing. They looked at each other, two kids who had met by chance, paired up in the same middle school class on the very first day of forever.

They touched, and two hearts fluttered gently in perfect time.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: as always, I do a lot of research while I'm writing in order to portray aspects of Korean culture as accurately as possible. However, I've never been to Korea, and I'm not Korean so if there's any flaws please don't hesitate to let me know!
> 
> Thank you so much if you read all the way to the end. Please let me know what you thought about it in the comments. <3
> 
> You can follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/charmlesstrans), and [tumblr](https://replaydebut.tumblr.com/) as well if you'd like!


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